How to break up with a toxic man and get him out of your life for good.

A toxic man will maneuver himself quickly to earn your trust and obtain your personal power. This is why you will allow the abuse, he will compromise you and forsake you – because to him that’s what love is.

I think we have all heard that we don’t get to choose who we fall in love with. If that is the case it is no wonder we fall for the wrong people time and time again – including toxic men.

Even if we do believe that we choose who we are attracted to, falling for the wrong person can still happen. The problem is not necessarily our “picker” but having the ability to spot toxic people. They don’t have signs or tags that label them as toxic. They walk among us at work, in our neighborhood, and at the grocery store. They are everywhere in our daily lives. So, by the time we spot one we are usually knee-deep in a seriously unhealthy relationship with them.

It is not as though we want to be involved with toxic men, but it does happen. Though they may not come with signs of their toxicity, the relationship we create with them has clear signs.

6 Ways a Relationship With a Toxic Man Can Impact You.

1. You Forsake Yourself

Toxic men are selfish and insecure so rather than taking accountability for who they are they will put the burden of their happiness on your shoulders. They don’t see happiness as a choice they make for themselves, but the result of your actions. All of your attention is to be focused solely on them. Any attention you give yourself or any recognition that you earn they are quick to accuse you of being selfish or narcissistic. The caveat? They are not responsible for your happiness. This form of manipulation builds guilt within you. You quickly forget how to take care of yourself or feel guilty for doing so as a means of pleasing him.

2. You Compromise Yourself

The toxic man in your life will push you and bully you in his own way to get you to do things you don’t want to do. He will use persuasive traits to coerce you to take on his way of life or his beliefs and opinions. He may even try to push you to do things that you have no inclination for but “if you love him, you will do this for him.” The irony is that he doesn’t have to compromise himself to show you he loves you - he “just does.” He continues to be him while he molds you into the vision he has of you.

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3. You Become Alienated From Friends and Family

Toxic men know in order to control you they must eliminate their competition: your support system. In order for the toxic man to be effective, he needs to be the one and only viable influence in your life. Using his manipulation and charm, he will be able to create doubt in your mind in terms of those who have always been at your side. He, cleverly and cunningly, will drive wedges in the healthy relationships of your life convincing you only he has your best interests at heart.

4. You Become Conditioned to Abuse

Toxic men are mentally and emotionally abusive and by using their impressive power to manipulate they are able to keep you coming back for more. The abuse is so stealth-like you really are not able to recognize it as it occurs. The abuse also doesn’t happen right away, as toxic men are professionals at sucking you in and hold you as an emotional hostage while they re-condition you quickly and re-program you efficiently. Before you know it, you are a willing participant.

5. You Relinquish Your Power

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” She was referencing the personal power that we all have within us. The worst thing about our personal power is that we are we slow to embrace it but very quick to give it away – and usually to the wrong person. A toxic man will maneuver himself quickly to earn your trust and obtain your personal power. This is why you will allow the abuse, will compromise you and forsake you – because to him that what love is.

6. You Become Toxic Too

It might be an unintentional coping mechanism or an unrealised defense but you are likely to become toxic the more time you spend with a toxic lover. This is the ultimate empowerment for the toxic man because now he has what he needs to prove his accusations, justify his abuse and hold you accountable for anything that goes wrong in his life or the relationship. He will use your toxic responses to his toxic attitude as a means of controlling you.

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We typically don’t recognise toxic men until the relationship is over and the hindsight has kicked in. The problem with hindsight is that it is not a cure-all as you heal and grieve the relationship. In fact, it can exasperate the healing process if you focus too much on it. Another hardship, once free of the toxicity, is maintaining distance from him while re-programming yourself through the introduction and rebuilding of healthy relationships in your life.

No matter your mental strength or weakness breaking away from the toxic man takes desire, forgiveness and time. It may be uncomfortable and unfamiliar to take care of you once you pull away from the toxic man but…

You can do it.

This post originally appeared on Divorced Moms and was republished here with full permission.