Wait, why is everyone suddenly 'toxic'?

Just like the phrases 'problematic', 'do better' and 'cancel culture', another term has burrowed its way into the zeitgeist. And it's the word 'toxic'.

In today's world, many things can be considered toxic – a workplace, an idea, a relationship (platonic or romantic), a situation and now even a person. 

When you scroll through TikTok, you will see thousands upon thousands of Gen Z and Millennial users sharing their 'toxic' experiences. Many suggest their friends are toxic. Others hint that films and lyrics to old songs are toxic. And many spurt advice on how to cut out – once and for all – the toxic influences in your life. 

But have we begun to rely on this word too much? And is it time to unpack the complexities behind it?

This week on Mamamia Out Loud, the hosts shared their thoughts about the term in relation to a new article in The Atlantic titled 'That's It. You're Dead to Me. Suddenly everyone is toxic.'

Because while the word 'toxic' has helped a lot of people – particularly women – find the vocabulary to articulate what they have experienced, some wonder whether the pendulum has swung too far.

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First and foremost, here's the context behind the definition. 

It's widely accepted as pertaining to other words like poisonous, manipulative, harmful, malicious or dangerous. Simply put, it's a negative connotation. But there isn't a whole lot of nuance to it – none in fact.

Because as soon as a person labels another person 'toxic', it's incredibly difficult for the receiver to come back from that. They have little room to defend themselves from such a sweeping statement.

For Mia Freedman, she feels as though it's one of the most awful words you can call a person.

"I think you can use it about a dynamic – 'this friendship is toxic' or 'our relationship feels toxic at the moment'. But to call a person toxic is so completely obliterating. It literally means they're poisonous," she noted on Mamamia Out Loud.

"I have banged on a lot about how the way we have lost all ability to feel discomfort in any aspect of our life. It starts early with our kids who get participation awards because heaven forbid they feel disappointed. We helicopter over them so that they don't feel any negative emotion. They start to feel that negative emotions are quite shocking and not just a part of life."

Mia felt that within this era of little resilience for discomfort, perhaps we have begun to clutch onto grandiose words too quickly to shield from the negativity.

"Someone can be having a bad day, be assertive, say something cutting or just not be your person – but to immediately call them toxic – I think it's counterproductive."

Listen to the women discuss this topic on Mamamia Out Loud. Post continues after audio.

On the other hand, the term toxic is something many people can relate to – people who have experienced terrible behaviour and circumstances. And when they see the word 'toxic', they feel seen and heard, because for them, it encapsulates what they have experienced and why they deserve better.

Research currently suggests that a growing percentage of families have experienced a familial estrangement of some sort – and the same goes among friendship circles. 

If you're an avid Instagram or TikTok user, your feed would likely be flooded with videos declaring 'How to cut out toxic people in your life' and 'toxic red flags to never ignore'. Even the hashtag #allmyfriendsaretoxic has trended at one point.  

As noted in The Atlantic, social media is rife with ruthless mantras: "There is no better self-care than cutting off people who are toxic for you."

For Holly Wainwright, she felt as though it's been a very helpful term – although perhaps now we lean on it too much.

"I actually think that if you put aside the overuse, it's a very helpful definition of something that so many of us have felt but didn't have a word before to use. In my mind I have a very clear definition of what 'toxic' is. I ask myself 'do I feel bad after I spend time with that person or in that environment?'"

Of course, Holly noted that throwing labels such as toxic shouldn't come from just a single uncomfortable encounter. It's a pattern. 

"If there's a person in my life who every time I engage with them – whether at obligatory family occasions, work functions, or a friendship setting – and I know that spending time in that environment will make me feel upset, s**tty about myself and anxious – that for me is the definition of toxic," she said on Mamamia Out Loud.

"I think it's really helpful to recognise that being around that certain person is poisoning you and you can cut that loose." 

With the example of family dynamics, many people can relate to the idea 'you love family, but doesn't mean you like them all the time'. Sometimes people are irritating. Sometimes people are rude. 

But as Holly said, there are some relationships – familial, platonic or romantic – that are completely synonymous with toxicity. We can't ignore the benefits of being able to put words around dangerous, damaging domestic violence relationships. 

Of course, this discussion of the word 'toxic' in the context of abusive situations is separate – and victim-survivors should have the autonomy to use whatever language they wish. 

Rather, the debate is specific to when the word 'toxic' is used in an everyday sense.

It's the spread and casual way that the word is thrown around without thought that needs unpacking. 

Professor of Social Psychology at Macquarie University, Julie Fitness, has conducted years of research into relationships. In her academic experience, the term 'toxic' hasn't particularly featured in academic work or thought, rather it's been brought to surface via popular culture.

"There is some psychological literature on toxic stress and its negative impacts, but the idea of toxic people is seldom. Just as we stay away from arsenic because it's bad for us, people are taking the same approach to their relationships. If someone is consistently behaving in ways that are destructive and abusive, the term toxic may feel completely valid," Professor Fitness noted.

"More generally speaking, everyone behaves badly sometimes and we'll all be hurt occasionally by a friend or loved who is being careless. If we were to cancel absolutely everyone who ever hurt us, we would end up pretty lonely. It's a very interesting topic."

So where do we go from here?

Perhaps it's about giving space to those directly impacted by toxic traits to use the word – while also reserving room for nuanced discussions. Because we don't exist in a vacuum, and neither do our words. 

Feature Image: Canva/Mamamia.