Yesterday morning, I realised something truly terrifying.
I was down to my last roll of toilet paper and somehow I would need to buy some more.
Usually, this was nothing more than a mundane inconvenience but on March 3, 2020… This was catastrophic.
Sorry if this is triggering, but science has settled the great toilet paper debate. So when you can finally buy some, make sure you hang it correctly.
Because you see.
The:
Apocalypse:
Has:
Arrived:
Every human in Australia had decided to hoard rolls and rolls of toilet paper before I even stood a chance, despite all expert advice telling us we don't need to panic buy.
Apparently, everyone is worried about being quarantined inside their homes for two weeks due to COVID-19, which sure, that's somewhat valid, but if that happens... wouldn't your need for food trump your need for... TP?
Sigh.
I started the day wide-eyed and hopeful, as I skipped into the Woolies near the Mamamia office in the morning... And saw nothing but empty shelves.
I, along with multiple other strangers who missed the memo about the world's impending toilet paper-related doom, stood around scratching my head.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Lunchtime saw a trip to Coles, and then a panicked power walk to the IGA around the corner when the toilet paper aisle in Coles contained nothing but a discarded roll of hand towels.
I wasn't that desperate... yet.
Listen to Mamamia Out Loud, where Mia, Holly and Rachel discuss the stockpiling frenzy caused by coronavirus panic and whether our fears are valid. Post continues after.
IGA was a bust, but I did buy (and quickly eat) an Easter egg - even though it's definitely not close enough to Easter to be socially acceptable to do that - because I was STRESSED and it seemed NECESSARY.
I sat back at my desk for the afternoon.
I was tasked with writing a story about reality TV but I just... couldn't. My mind was distracted, thinking about what life must've been like before toilet paper.
I don't want to live in a world without toilet paper. I really, really don't.
The Great Toilet Paper Shortage™ was the talk of the office Slack channel, too.
"Why is everyone buying ALL the toilet paper?? I still don't get it. Diarrhoea isn't a symptom," a colleague said.
She's right. It all makes precisely zero sense, but this is 2020 and who needs sense?
Thankfully, there were other options that didn't involve wrestling Yvonne in Coles for the last Quilton four-pack.
Who Gives A Crap will deliver TP directly to your door.
Phewf!
I clicked on a link and for a moment, I thought I was saved. Rolls of toilet paper were on my screen, ready to be sent my way.
But then, they vanished.
Well, that was my last hope and panic buyers just shit all over it.
The rest of my day was full of dread, until I went to the bathroom at work.
That's when I saw it:
I'd found an abundance of two-ply gold and I was not letting this opportunity pass me by.
Yes, I do now need to quit my job and skip the country.
But at least I survived The Great Toilet Paper Shortage™ of March 2020.
