"Wow, you’re a jerk." A practical guide to staying sane when your toddler isn’t sleeping.

Remember the newborn phase? 

It was expected, almost guaranteed, that you would be sleeping in precious two-to-three-hour chunks. Fellow parents would see your tired eyes and unwashed hair and give you a knowing smile. A little "buck up, it gets better" and a pat on the back (right above the spit up stain). 

But once their first birthday comes around, and they graduate into toddlerhood, isn’t their sleep schedule supposed to right itself? Don’t they magically start taking predicable, 12-hour snooze-fests? It turns out, no, not so much.

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Let me tell you, fatigue builds up. A year of sleep deprivation just hits different. Throw in a job to juggle, a household to keep from collapsing, and approximately 654 new day care viruses to wage war against, and you have yourself a recipe for overwhelm.

So, if you’re drowning in sleep deprivation like this guy (hi, it’s me), please know you’re in fine company. There’s an abundance of zombified toddler-parents walking among us, it’s not just you, and you’re not 'doing it wrong' - I promise.

Here are my practical tips for how to stay sane, and hopefully, on the same team as your likely equally tired partner.

Unite against your child.

I know this one might sound callous on its face but hear me out. If you’re lucky enough to have someone in the trenches with you, it helps to be on the same team, and nothing unites a team more than a common enemy. 

No, not your precious angel. The enemy is the sleep-hating monster that possesses them at sundown. Honestly, after months of interrupted sleep, you have to have a laugh. 

Give yourself full permission to use words like "jerk", "sleep terrorist", or "gremlin" to describe them. I actually heard myself say, "Wow, you’re a dickhead" to my 15-month-old at 2am this morning, and I meant it. I’m not proud of this mind you, but it was shamefully satisfying.

Remember, sleep deprivation is a torture technique.

Feeling irrationally angry? Weirdly irritable? Did you cry when your coffee was made with almond milk instead of oat? Fair enough, girl. 

It is a miracle that you’re able to pretend to be human today, let alone keep your rogue emotions in check. You shouldn’t be able to function on little to no sleep, we’re not designed to. 

So, if your toddler is doing a better job at emotional regulation than you, just know it’s because he gets to nap during the day, and you don’t.

Don’t ask how other people’s toddlers are sleeping.

Honestly, it’s best not to know. You will feel like everyone’s child is sleeping better than yours, regardless of whether it’s true or not. Comparison is the thief of joy, and while it’s good to know there are others out there suffering as you are, you’re just as likely to happen upon people whose babies were born sleeping 12 hours a night and have kept it up into toddlerhood (insert world’s biggest eye roll here).

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If a friend or family member offers to take them for the night, say YES! 

We are all guilty of thinking our little one might be 'too much' for someone else to handle. They don’t understand their little quirks and weird tantrum triggers, it’ll just be too much for them. I’ve certainly found myself saying, "Oh thank you, but we’ll do it once his sleep is back on track, I don’t want you to have a hellish night!"

No. Stop right there. Turn around, walk back, and say, "Actually, thank you, that would be fantastic". I can’t put into words what a night off can do for your sanity. One disrupted night is nothing for those who care about you, they will gladly sacrifice the Z’s if it means restoring some of yours. 

Please, please, PLEASE don’t blame yourself. 

Is it because I still have him on two naps a day instead of one? Am I not stimulating him enough during the day? Am I coddling him too much at night? Maybe, probably not, who the hell knows? If there’s one thing you mustn’t do, it’s turn on yourself. You are an absolute warrior and when it comes to the complexities of your child’s sleep patterns; you are not the culprit. 

Yes, there’s professional support out there and yes it’s wonderful when it works, but please know that a lot of it comes down to luck. Some people are just better sleepers than others and this can be the case from birth. 

You don’t get to choose what kind of kid you have, and chances are, you have a pretty incredible one. Your child is happy and thriving because you’re doing everything you should be to facilitate that miraculous life you created from scratch. 

Hang in there. Sleep will come, eventually, I promise.

Hannah Vanderheide is a writer, actor, and voice artist with a beautiful new baby boy. She's also a body-neutral trainer, eating disorder survivor, and wellness industry sceptic who loves to write about the sensible side of health.

Feature Image: Supplied.