'The best tip I got as a new dad? Treat them like the fourth born.'

When my wife and I first found out we were expecting our first child, after high-fiving and hugging, now known in the Steele household as 'High Fugging', I remember my arms dropping by my sides as I thought, "But... I don’t know anything about anything."

To rattle off a couple of the small ticket items that ran through my head, I began thinking about:

1. 'How do you raise kids?'

2. 'What the hell is this swaddling thing?'

3. 'What do you do when they are sick?'

4. 'How do you survive on no sleep?'

Just a few small items to consider.

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Then the baby came.

While I was going through the rainbow of emotions that is the first three days of parenthood, I received one of the greatest pieces of parenting advice from my mother-in-law. Like all worthwhile pieces of advice it is short and sweet.

"Treat them like the fourth-born."

Granted, when I first heard this, I wasn’t in the right headspace. Surviving through the first couple of nights of snuffling, screaming, wheezing, dinosaur newborn noises didn’t allow me to process this properly.

I simply did what I usually do with all unsolicited advice: smile AND nod.

The tricky part for me is that my brilliant second mum knows me well and had thought this through. She casually dropped this advice into conversation numerous times over the next couple of weeks.

I knew it had sunk in when we were halfway through packing the car for our very first family holiday... 13 days after our daughter’s birth. 

While cramming a bassinet into the back of the car (and balancing not snapping it in half and freaking out about the upcoming car trip with a newborn), I heard myself saying, "Yeah, but if she was the fourth born, she’d just have to get involved in the family holiday."*

If our daughter was our fourth-born, there really wouldn’t be much choice.

It was midway through the school holidays, so our three imaginary kids would be going nuts trapped within the confines of our home. They’d need a break.

More importantly, we’d need a break.

Which would lead to our first daughter enjoying her first family holiday... we’d just skipped ahead a few years (and a few kids).

That’s the thing - since first taking on this advice five years ago, it works in just about every situation.

Going out for dinner and leaving her with our parents a week after birth? Yep.

Letting others hold and cuddle her? Definitely. (Pre-COVID days... so, ah, this might look a little different for, um, a little while).

Taking her for an adventure to a recently opened establishment for her Dad’s birthday afternoon festivities? Sure thing. (Thank you, no more lockdowns!).

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Of course, not every effort is a success.

Like that time we successfully managed to ruin our local farmer’s market. (Yes, we were trying our best to embrace the organically inclined hipster lifestyle). 

I think people’s ears may have nearly started bleeding after all the high-pitched shrieking that took place... after a certain type of explosion in a nappy, which certainly tested out all those hipsters' nonchalance.

It’s safe to say we won’t be welcome back for quite a while.

But you know what? That certainly won’t stop us (mainly because there are more markets) because it’s the effort that counts and how we learn from our mistakes.

Whenever possible, remind yourself that if they were your fourth child, they’d already be sucked into family adventures. 

Even though sometimes it can feel daunting to go out and about, especially right now, think about what you’d do if they were your fourth born. 

Then, give yourself a pass to make mistakes, give it a bloody good effort, and lean into doing the thing.

Then celebrate the successes, big or SMALL, with some High Fugging.

I’d love to hear your stories and successes - so feel free to reach out to share them!

*This was said in between much swearing and muttering at a range of inanimate objects that wouldn’t read my mind and move themselves into appropriate places in the back of the car.

Dan Steele is an assistant principal, teaching coach and dad of two with a Masters in educational leadership. If you're interested in more posts by Daniel, head to his blog Upgrade Think Learn or at Instagram @upgradethinklearn.

Feature Image: Getty.