Just 9 tips for having meaningful conversations with your teen, according to an expert.

“Just wait until they’re teenagers.” 

If you have kids, you have heard this sentence numerous times. It's spoken knowingly like a warning, almost as if the speaker can see the future, and they know it's grim. 

Often, it comes when your baby or younger child is having a bit of a tough moment. I think it’s supposed to make the parent feel better in the moment… maybe? I don’t know. Personally, I think there’s a big difference between it could be worse and it WILL be worse, and the latter is not reassuring.

If you’re a parent of younger kids reading this and you’ve heard these words, I’m here from the future to tell you that teenagers can be — and regularly are — absolutely delightful, fun and loving.

However, if you remember your own teen years, you’ll know that it can be tough. And, as you probably already know if you’re a parent of a teen, getting more than a shrug, grunt, or one-word response from them can be a challenge.

As tempting as it may be to hide from tough topics, teens really need guidance from those they love and trust in order to navigate the challenges these years bring their way. So, where do you start? What should you be talking about or asking them? And, more importantly, how? 

Mamamia spoke to psychologist Kym Barrett and found out it doesn’t actually take advanced interrogation techniques to have a meaningful conversation with a teen. Here are her recommendations to make the process less... challenging.

PACE yourself

Barrett says a good method to remember, which she uses herself with patients, is PACE: playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy. 

“It's daggy, but when you're having at chat with them, just accepting what they say is important to them, and showing that you are listening — even if you don't think it's important — because from their perspective, it matters,” she says. 

I always think that PACE is a really nice way for parents to have any chat because it moves them away from wanting to fix the child's problem. 

“Listening is better than talking, which is so obvious, but I think adolescents often feel so unheard and unvalued in terms of what they talk about.”

Image: Supplied. 

Think about why they’re telling you things

You’re listening and accepting that what your teen is telling you is important to them, but they’re not always going to be 100 per cent clear on why, so you might need to learn to read between the lines. 

“It's a little bit of that interpretation of why they're choosing to tell you this,” Barrett explains.

“If they're telling you somebody was mean to them at school, they're telling you because they're struggling or they're feeling left out or they're feeling hurt. 

“Ask yourself whether they’re opening a door to a ‘I'm finding something tricky’ or ‘Mum, what did you used to do when…?’ conversation.”

Disagreeing is okay

Barrett says it’s okay if you and your teen are not on the same page about absolutely everything, or they have an opinion that’s not consistent with yours — it doesn’t mean they’re not a good kid. 

“I think parents can sometimes be very quick to tell kids why they're wrong, but part of developing into an autonomous, individuated adult is that you actually develop your own opinions,” she says.

Rather than saying, “you’re an idiot, no one thinks that” (definitely don’t say this), Barrett suggests exploring the conversation by asking questions and being curious. 

“That's an interesting opinion. How did you get it?” or “I'm really uncomfortable with this part of it; where did you learn about that?” are great ways to gently continue the discussion without being dismissive. 

“Don’t trivialise their ideas,” she says.

Image: Supplied. 

Trust that they know themselves

Something Barrett sees in her work is parents telling kids they don’t know who they are becoming, or that they are too young to know X, Y or Z about themselves. 

“Trust that they know where and who they are at that point in their life,” she says. 

“Don't tell them ‘you’re too young’. Don't tell them ‘you don't know yet’. Don't tell them ‘you'll change your mind’ or ‘you were never like that when you were little’.

Be an ally

“We all have knowledge about our inner world that our parents can't know,” Barrett says. 

“And we need them to be an ally. To be prepared, to walk through a door with us. Like, ‘if I do identify as trans, will you come to the clinic with me, Mum?’”

Give them perspective

Even as adults, news and current affairs can be overwhelming and frightening when it’s in our faces all day, every day. And while it can be tempting to avoid talking about certain topics that are making headline, Barrett says you then run the risk that they’ll misinterpret what they see or hear — especially the probability of something happening. 

“They're really bad at probability,” she says. 

“So sometimes it's worth checking in — particularly with social media — to ask, ‘is there anything that you are worried about?’

“I'm a big fan of actually limiting their exposure to some of it, if I'm honest, but it’s about balance. Have those conversations so you can make sure your child isn't fearful and isn't feeling threatened and highly anxious about what they're reading,” Barrett explains.

Image: Supplied. 

Don’t assume they’ll bring their worries to you

On the topic of checking in and focussing on listening, it’s important to remember that your teen might not bring their worries to you for any number of reasons. 

“You need to have ways of checking in, of noticing if they're appearing a little more vulnerable, withdrawn or hurt,” Barrett says. 

Then it is the job of parents to initiate a conversation:

“Hey, are you okay?”

“What have you been watching?”

“What are your friends talking about?”

“Has anything been upsetting you?”

Check your ego if they would prefer to talk to someone else

There’s no denying that it can hurt deeply as a parent if your child doesn’t want to talk to you about their worries, but Barrett says being able to check your ego if they’d rather speak with someone else — be it a teacher, counsellor, psychologist, aunt, the other parent — will help them more than trying to force them to confide in you. 

“I sometimes ask kids ‘who do you talk to?’ in case it's somebody unreliable,” she says. 

“We've got to let kids find as many people as they need — who they're comfortable enough with — to say, ‘here's what I'm thinking’ or ‘here's what I'm feeling’ to. And it would be nice if that was a parent, but it could be someone else. And that's okay.”

Be open to other methods of communication

Being a teenager can feel awkward, and having frank, face-to-face discussions about tricky or embarrassing topics can feel impossible. If your teen would prefer to communicate in another, less confrontational way, encourage it. 

“Things like texts and Snaps (Snapchat) are a very comfortable way of ‘talking’,” Barrett says. 

“In fact, I always check when teens tell me they were talking to a friend because it’s nearly always texts/Snaps. You can always check in/follow up in ‘real life’ later if it’s important.”

Feature Image: Supplied.

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