The candle, firework or mirror relationship theory predicts if yours is built to last.

I found myself doom-scrolling through Instagram at 11pm (as you do), when I stumbled across an interview with Life Coach Jay Shetty on the Its Me Tinx podcast about the "three types of love" relationship theory.

And I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since.

The concept is simple yet profoundly insightful: throughout our lives, we typically experience three distinct types of love — each serving a different purpose and teaching us different lessons.

They are: The Firework, The Candle, and The Mirror.

So, naturally, I did what any reasonable person would do — I proceeded to psychoanalyse everyone I have ever dated.

The Firework: intoxicating, burns bright but fades quickly.

We've all had that relationship. I've had a few of them if I'm being honest. What can I say? In my youth, I was a moth that couldn't resist the flame.

The one where the chemistry is electric, where the passion is so intense it feels like you might combust.

That's the Firework love.

It's exciting, dramatic, and explosive, but like actual fireworks, it's beautiful while it lasts and then fizzles out quickly — often leaving behind a smoky aftermath of drama and emotional wreckage.

My Firework relationship was with a guy I met when I was in my early twenties. And we weren't even actually officially exclusively dating, because that's what you put up with when you're too young to know better.

Our time together was thrilling, but it was also filled with conflict and drama. In the end, the emotional rollercoaster that once felt exhilarating just left me exhausted. And everyone in my life who had to hear about it.

When it ended (dramatically, of course), I was heartbroken but also somewhat relieved. It was, in hindsight, toxic and was never going to last. The Firework love rarely does.

The Candle: steady but potentially unfulfilling.

The Candle relationship is what many of us settle into after recovering from the burns of The Firework. It's steady, reliable, and offers a warm glow rather than a blinding explosion of light.

A candle burns consistently, providing comfort and illumination. It could potentially burn for a long time, but there's often something missing — that spark, that challenge, that deeper connection.

I feel like we often oscillate between The Firework and The Candle. They can be the antithesis of each other, and initially, that steadiness can feel exactly what you need to recover from The Firework. But then that moth comes out in search of the brightness of the flame.

The Mirror: challenging but transformative.

And then there's the Mirror love — the one Shetty describes as the most profound and potentially lasting of the three.

This relationship reflects back to you all of your strengths, weaknesses, fears, and potential. It shows you exactly who you are, which can be both terrifying and incredibly liberating. Mirror relationships challenge you to grow, to confront your issues, and to become a better version of yourself.

The Mirror relationship isn't always the most comfortable — seeing your flaws reflected back at you rarely is. But it's in this discomfort that real growth happens.

And if you're lucky enough to be in a mirror relationship, with someone strong enough to hold you up. Cherish it.

But my perspective on this is different to Jay Shetty's. As someone who is divorced, what I have come to believe is that we can't get all of our needs from one person, one romantic connection.

The most powerful mirror relationships in my life have been the indestructible bonds I share with girlfriends and family. They are the ones who I turn to when I'm at my worst, my best and reveal my most shameful parts to.

They reflect the mirror, hold it with kindness and compassion but will also be the first to pull me up when I need it.

Expecting one person to be our everything is an impossible burden to place on a relationship. The scaffolding that truly supports us is far more complex, built from various connections that reflect different aspects of ourselves.

There's something profoundly liberating about relationships that don't carry the weight of romantic expectations or the pressure of permanence that society attaches to partnerships.

I sometimes wonder if we've romanticised the idea that one person should be our everything — our lover, best friend, therapist, cheerleader, and truth-teller. Perhaps the healthiest mirror relationships are distributed across a constellation of connections, each reflecting a unique and essential part of who we are.

The truth is, many of us cycle through all three types of relationships throughout our lives, sometimes repeating patterns until we learn what we need from each experience.

The Firework teaches us about passion and chemistry — important components of love, but not enough on their own to sustain a relationship.

The Candle shows us the value of stability and comfort, but also helps us recognise when we're settling for less.

And The Mirror, if we're lucky enough to find them, offers us the chance to truly know ourselves through the eyes of another person who sees us clearly, loves and celebrates all of us.

So, which love are you experiencing right now? And more importantly, is it the love you want?

Feature Image: made with AI / Google Labs.