"Oh look, it's that weird girl trying to tell us there's something wrong with our friendships again."
Wow. That's so mean. But yes, here I am, over-sharing once again.
Today's problem comes from two groups of three. One is a possible misunderstanding and the other is my worst nightmare... let's start with the misunderstanding.
Please look at exhibit A.
Exhibit A. Image source: Instagram/Cynthia Nixon.
A little while back, Sex And The City & And Just Like That stars Cynthia Nixon and Kristin Davis posted a photo together on Instagram with the caption "Girls weekend out". It's something I still think about constantly.
Now... the average person would look at this photo and think "That's nice".
I looked at this photo and completely spiralled.
There is someone missing from this duo — Sarah Jessica Parker. Yep, you were tricked. This isn't a best friend pic, it's actually a three-friend group pic where one of the friends is MIA.
If you're a fan of Sex and the City, you know that these women are not only friends on screen but IRL as well (except for Kim Catrell, but we don't have time to get into that. You can read about the sub-drama here if you're not caught up on your SATC lore).
Now, onto the nightmare…
I need to talk about the three best friends that everyone is talking about right now — Jaclyn, Laurie and Kate. They're the lead character in the third season of comedy-thriller series The White Lotus, played by Michelle Monaghan, Carrie Coon and Leslie Bibb respectively.
If you've been watching the show, you'll know exactly what I mean about the complexities of a three-friend dynamic. These women have been friends for decades, and on the surface, they seem like the perfect trio. But underneath that polished exterior? It's giving passive-aggressive chaos.
Listen to the hosts of Mamamia Out Loud talking about Jaclyn, Laurie and Kate's friendship. Post continues below.
The moment one of them steps away from the group (usually to get another bottle of wine), the other two immediately launch into a carefully crafted critique of their absent friend. It's always disguised as concern, of course. "I'm just worried about her," or "I hope she can relax, she seems so tired." The kind of comments that sound caring but are actually... not.
What makes it even more fascinating (and slightly terrifying) is that they all know it's happening. Each woman is acutely aware that she's probably the topic of conversation when she's not there, but they maintain this elaborate dance of pretending everything's fine when they're together. They're sitting in a landmine of unspoken truths, and my hope for this friendship group is that either they lay it all out on the table and are honest about themselves and, in return, genuinely want to help each other OR they go completely nuclear and blow up (for our own entertainment, of course).
It's like watching my worst friendship fears play out on screen, but with beautiful rich blonde women in designer wear with great hair.
Watch: Horoscopes in a time of crisis. Post continues below.
I'm lucky enough to have a few different groups of friends. Two of my closet friendship groups consist of three people. Me and two others. Due to my vast experience in friendship dynamics, I am a big believer that trio groups are the most challenging friendships to maintain.
That photo of Kristen Davis and Cynthia Nixon together immediately made wonder if SJP felt sad and left out that she wasn't on the girls' weekend away. And then during my lutial phase, when I'm feeling particularly egotistical and vulnerable, I have White Lotus-esque nightmares about my two friends discussing my insecurities over wine… I mean what else could they possibly be talking about!?
I then immediately feel silly for feeling sad about a hypothetical drama between extremely rich Hollywood stars and characters who have no idea I even exist. But... the potential taint in the trio is something that still lingers.
With trio friendships, two of them will always be a tiny bit closer to each other — always. You might not notice, and you might not feel it, but it's definitely there. In my trio friendships, I've always been the one who was the "outlier". Yes, my friends love me and will do anything for me. It's not personal, but the two have always been closer with one another than they are to me.
I'm privileged enough to say that I'm absolutely fine with that. I get the most joy and security out of my friendships, and I don't feel like I'm missing out whenever two of them hang out without me, have more one-on-one conversations with each other, or are just there for each other at a higher frequency.
I get everything I need from my friendships, and I'm grateful just to have such strong friendships that fill my cup.
However, I do often think about what would happen if it was the other way around.
In one of my trios, if the outlier wasn't me, I honestly believe all hell would break loose.
Being the outlier in a trio requires you to be confident and secure in both your friendships and yourself, and to not let jealousy get to you.
You also have to be okay with not taking it personally.
Maybe your two friends are closer because they're in the same life-stage and can relate to each other more. Maybe they could work together, so they see each other daily and have more mutual friends. Maybe they live closer, so they can catch up more regularly.
Your friends being closer doesn't automatically mean that their friendship is better than the friendship they have with you. They also have the responsibility of being the person who gets the extra set of keys in case the other one gets locked out. They have to organise the group birthday present, and they're the one who's on call 24/7 or holding their hair back after a big night out.
Obviously, these things come with the friendship, but the good thing about being the outlier in the trio is that while you might not be their immediate go-to person, they're both your immediate go-to person when you need all those things.
Personally, I'm completely fine with that. I know that not everyone would be, especially if people know you come as a package of three. I've had people ask me straight up, "Are [name] and [name] closer to each other than they are to you?"
In the past, if I was feeling a bit insecure, I would lie. "No, we're all super close," I'd say, because I didn't want people to think I wasn't worthy of a close friendship. However, through talking to my friends and being honest about my feelings, I still feel like they're closer to each other, but I've come to terms with that. They give me everything I need and I give them all that I have. I know that if they needed more than that, I would be disappointing them.
Yes, being the outlier in a friendship trio can suck, but in my opinion, it's also the easiest position to maintain.
Oh, and yes, I'm still wondering what SJP thinks about the girl's weekend away. Comment your theories below.
If you want more culture opinions by Emily Vernem, you can follow her on Instagram @emilyvernem.
Feature image: Fabio Lovino/HBO.
