Go on, admit you have one of these in your house.

By BERN MORLEY

The third drawer down of shit. We’ve all got one. You know the drawer I’m talking about right? The kitchen drawer that exists in the same capacity in every modern household?

The first drawer is of course for your general cutlery. Knives, spoons, forks, that kind of thing. Although, you may find it difficult to find a teaspoon in our household. They seem to disappear into the same abyss that the pens, hair ties and bobby pins do.

The second drawer down houses the big ticket items such as the egg flipper, the peeler, bamboo skewers, the “good” knife, salad servers, the can opener and a Teflon tube that apparently peels garlic, although no one has ever attempted to use it, nor are they ever likely to.

That brings me to the third drawer. Now the actual drawer number may differ in your house, but I bet every single one of you have one – the third drawer down of shit.

In this drawer are all kinds of miscellaneous paraphernalia. Ours in particular has an overabundance of mismatched nuts and bolts, flat batteries, inappropriate wrapping paper, warranty cards and recipes scrawled on the back of empty envelopes. I only write about this today because last night I was desperately trying to find a recipe for a quiche that is un-screw-upable. It is idiot proof and I knew that the recipe was in that drawer SOMEWHERE.

Third Drawer Down of Shit. Note the double adaptor that would more than likely blow our house up if plugged in. On my way to (not finding it) I did encounter the following:

Yeah, we haven’t owned this Printer for over 2 years. Pretty good chance we won’t need to install it again anytime soon.

Heaven FORBID I just throw out the last two remaining blank Christmas cards. I mean, it’s not like they cost approximately two dollars for an entire pack these days. Plus, I’m pretty sure I haven’t sent Christmas Cards to anyone in over 4 years.

I think I’ve only just discovered the tip of the Allen Key iceberg in this house. I’m sure there are a plenty more in my husband’s trailer or shed or beside him when he sleeps at night. Seriously, you want a flat pack assembled, Phil is your man.

Even though we don’t own a stapler.

I have a feeling that most of these have followed us from house to house, but we are both too frightened to throw them out. Why I don’t know, because we don’t even own those houses anymore and our cars have central locking.

What in the actual fuck is this? I do not know. It lives in my drawer, I did not buy it, yet it made it there somehow. Explanations welcomed.

Hey, clearly I never know when one of us might be called up to some kind of exercise situation that requires not only a sweatband, but also one that requires a handy zipper to keep my pain killers in. Yeah, I can quite honestly say, we do not own anything that is made my TDK. Nor have we since probably circa 2009.

Also to receive a special mention:

Our bank book from January 2001. From a bank account that no longer exists.

A coke bottle label: Apparently we still think we might be the lucky winner of a competition that would send us to London in 2006.

Last but not least, our warranties: We seem to have the enviable ability to keep warranties for each and every Fisher Price toy we’ve ever received (and probably no longer even own), yet I’ll be damned if I can find the receipt for the camera I bought just over a week ago.

So although I didn’t find the recipe I was looking for, I did manage to trip down WTF lane. I’d appreciate knowing that I’m not alone. Go on. Go right now and look in your drawer of shite, whatever level it resides on and share with us the most useless item you find.

What’s in your junk drawer? Do you ever clean it out?