"Your children are more resilient than you realise." 5 things I learned during my divorce.

Change can be a scary thing. Even something as small as picking something different off the menu at your local can be nerve-wracking.

But if there's one thing I've learned, it's that scary doesn't have to mean something bad. With every new dish you try, there's always that possibility that it might become your favourite thing to eat. 

Let's be real, though. Trying out a new meal isn't exactly the same thing as a change in marital status (talk about monumental). 

Despite the anxiety attached to this new stage of life, after my own divorce, I realised that in the process of losing someone — or something — you once thought was for forever, you find something more valuable.

Here's what I learned after going through my own divorce.

1. Child custody and child support agreements are separate from each other.

When I left my ex-husband just over a year ago, in the middle of lockdown, I was terrified of what my future would look like with two little kids in tow. 

Although I was fortunate enough to move back to my parents’ while I found my feet, the pandemic restrictions meant that I had both kids off daycare and I was off work. In that moment, I didn’t know if I was ever going to be able to rebuild myself.

I knew that while the waters were still relatively calm, I had to get my child custody affairs in order. 

I learned quickly that child custody and child support agreements are separate from one another, and most importantly did NOT go hand in hand with a divorce. Who knew? I genuinely thought getting a divorce would automatically put all these affairs in order.

2. The financial burden of a divorce weighs just as heavy as the emotional one. 

I still remember how stressed I was this time last year, trying to figure out how I was going to afford a lawyer to protect the kids and myself. I was emotionally drained from parenting 24/7 while dealing with the emotional rollercoaster that happens when you separate.

Had I had the emotional capacity to do some research, I would've benefitted from knowing options like Plenti legal fee loans exist, which would’ve taken a huge weight off of my shoulders and let me focus on my kids and myself, while also ensuring that I had the means to pay for any necessary legal support during the process.

Plenti has helped many women across Australia who are going through a divorce. They help ensure women can access their choice of legal representation by providing access to the financial support they need throughout the process. Often, women can access a legal loan even if they're not currently working. 

They also aim to relieve any stress during this process by eliminating any anxiety about repayment. In most cases, no repayments are required on the loan until after a settlement is reached, and each loan is based on the approximated settlement outcome, meaning each woman can focus on their family during this difficult time. 

Knowing a service like this existed would have changed my approach to funding my legal proceedings and given me more confidence throughout the process — which ultimately turned out to be lengthy and less than amicable, causing months of emotional and financial turmoil.

Image: Supplied. 

3. Your children are more resilient than you realise.

When I decided to leave my marriage, one of the things that worried me most was how my kids were going to cope. 

I knew the decision I made didn’t just impact my life, but the lives of my children as well.

My eldest was four at the time and a daddy’s girl. I had no idea how seeing her father a few times a fortnight was going to affect her. 

To my surprise, it only took a few months for her to find her feet in the new routine. She still has her moments where she wishes we could live with daddy, which is understandable, but for the most part she knows this is our life now.

4. It's important to take the time to rediscover yourself.

Before my divorce, I was coasting through life. I felt like I was only a mum and a wife (note how I don’t mention another title there), and I was going through the motions of going to work, in a job I wasn’t passionate about, all while trying to find a work/life balance.

After my divorce, I began to see life through a new lens. 

I realised I had not only lost myself when I became a mum and wife, I had also lost my ambition and drive. 

I didn’t know what I wanted, what I liked or who I was. This became abundantly clear when I jumped onto dating apps and I couldn’t answer the question, “what do you like to do when you’re not working?”

I made it a point to rediscover myself. I went back to things I loved before becoming a mum, tried new things; I got to know the new me. 

A year on I can confidently say I know who I am and what I want. There’s still a lot to learn but I’ve got the foundations to build on.

Image: Supplied. 

5. Being a single parent means a whole new level of organisation.

Although I carried the brunt of the parenting duties when I was with my ex, I knew becoming a single parent would mean some changes. 

Luckily for me, I’ve always prided myself on being organised (#virgo), but being a single parent meant being a whole new level of organised. That meant after the kids are in bed, I would prep things for the next day so morning Maggie would have an easier time as she wrangled two kids and herself, attempting to get out the door on time for school drop off.

Other changes included my parenting style which went from helicopter mum to the polar opposite where I let my kids do their thing, encouraging independence despite my eye twitching as they attempt to pour milk into their own cups.

I have also learnt to communicate better and become more in tune with my emotions since becoming a single parent. I don’t have the luxury to tag team another adult when my emotional tank in running low, nor do I have that teammate to play good cop/bad cop when stuck in a hostage negotiation with a 5-year-old. 

Most importantly though, I’ve learnt to be more kind to myself when mum guilt hits me like a tonne of bricks, remembering I’m doing the best I can and that I am human too.

So, for those preparing to embark on this journey or for those in the thick of it, know that a lot of positive things can come from something so painful. 

I may have lost that dream of my ex-husband being my forever person but I found something so much more valuable: myself.

Plenti legal loans empower women to feel confident during their divorce settlement by providing financial support to seek the best legal representation possible.

Loan applications are evaluated based on the expected outcome of the matter, and no repayments are due until a settlement has been reached. 

Read the TDM to consider if this product is right for you. Terms and conditions, and credit criteria apply. Plenti RE Limited ABN 57 166 646 635 holds Australian financial services licence number 449176 and Australian credit licence number 449176.

Feature Image: Supplied.