What if toddlers had their own version of the paleo diet…? Oh wait. They do.

Welcome to the White Diet.

It’s the food revolution that’s sweeping the globe, as more and more toddlers embrace the fussy-eating philosophy that has inexplicably sustained human life for thousands of years.

From baby cavemen to modern toddlers, this unhealthy form of eating has never been more popular.

If you haven’t already heard about the White Food Diet, here is everything you need to know.

The White Food diet is an ancient set of dietary recommendations for young homosapiens. Tiny humans have thrived for millennia by wilfully restricting their diet to a small selection of nutrient-deficient “white” foods, whilst strenuously avoiding “coloured” food at all costs.

White foods are low in nutrition and high in salt, sugar, fat and refined carbohydrates. The White diet is not about healthy living or weight loss: it’s about eating for baseline survival.

There is little scientific data to support the evolutionary benefits of restricting nutritional intake at times of peak development, but the results speak for themselves. Millions of irate toddlers can’t be wrong.

What will my toddler eat on the White Food diet?

The list of approved foods for the White diet is short and strictly policed.

Key components of the white-food diet include: plain pasta, noodles, rice crackers, hot chips, chicken nuggets, bread, yoghurt, rice and sugar.

Whilst some of these items don’t look white, there is good reason for that. Deep frying is the preferred method of preparation for the white-food diet. Despite giving food a distinctive golden glow the base ingredients are still considered “white” for the purposes of this dietary regime.

Can my toddler eat things that aren’t white?

No.

Advocates of this eating regime are fanatical and vocal about their dietary choices, and are always keen to engage in arguments about food. White-food toddlers are often sanctimonious about their eating habits and dismissive of coloured-foods, believing them to be harmful and unsavoury.

There is one exception: tomato sauce.

Whilst not strictly a “white” food it does contain unacceptably high levels of sugar and salt (both white), which makes it acceptable to toddlers on the White diet.

Is White Food a fad diet?

No.

Toddlers have subsisted on some version of the white-food diet for two million years. Paleolithic toddlers survived on white root vegetables and the milky flesh of freshwater fish for millennia, until the Neolithic Revolution occurred.

With the birth of agriculture came the cultivation of the rice, grains and refined carbohydrates which make up the bulk of the modern White diet.

Many* historians argue that fussy toddlers were the catalyst for agricultural development, the result of desperate dinner-time experimentation by tribal elders who were tired of endless daily requests for fish and potatoes*.

*Zero

*This is patently untrue pseudo-scientific nonsense.

What is the reasoning behind the White Food diet?

There is no rational basis to the White diet. It contradicts every instinct that human beings have to perpetuate their own survival.

What are the health benefits?

There are no apparent health benefits.

Aren’t coloured foods good sources of fibre, vitamins and minerals?

Yes.

How does my toddler get vital nutrients if they cut coloured foods out of their diet?

They don’t.

Toddlers on the White diet believe that vital nutrients are vastly over-rated, and in some cases harmful.

Should I give vitamin supplements to my toddler?

Vitamin supplements are recommended if you wish to facilitate optional functions like growth, brain development, strong bones, healthy organs and regular bowel movements.

How can my toddler stay White when we eat out?

Please advise waiters that your child has special dietary requirements, to ensure they don’t come into contact with fruits, vegetables, red meat, legumes or other coloured foods. Most cafes and restaurants should have at least one white-food option on the menu, even if it is just bread. It’s a good idea to carry a packet of rice crackers or a vanilla yoghurt squeezie in your handbag, just in case.

We hope this clears up some of the questions you have about the White way of eating. If you can see past the stubborn food refusal and the lack of nutrition and the annoying evangelism and the limited meal-planning potential, it really has a lot to recommend it.

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