The Voice. Let's talk about last night.

by EM RUSCIANO

The pressure was on last night.

I’ll tell you where the pressure was. The pressure was in MY PANTS when they slow mo’d Keith standing up showing his delicious stomach area again and again- amiright or amiright?! (High fives everyone, then spits.)

Straight to the eliminations, It must be said that host Darren was looking as though he asked the make-up department for the spray tan to be set to Delta such was the un-natural colour of his skin last night  – perhaps it was just the lighting?

A note to the wardrobe department. I am now OFFICIALLY OBSESSED with them having to wear their performance outfits a week later for the elimination. It just looks cheap, sad, weird, smelly and anxiety ridden. Let them keep some dignity, for the love of GOD allow them a wardrobe change.

First up Team Delta. The Public chose to keep Rachael Leahcar and after much clutching of her chest, sad eyes and ALL the reality TV cliches, Delts announced she was saving her back up singer Glenn. We said goodbye to Danni and the sublimely ridiculous Viktoria.

The public allowed Seal to keep Karise and then after he said something something “nurture” something “expose” Seal decided to keep Fatai. So that saw Guy Sebastian’s Brother Chris sent home (did y’all know they were even bros? I know right? They kept that under their hats.) Along with Emma-Louise Birdsall.

Seal looked pretty rad last night, like a sexy pirate, bikie, wizard. His jaunty leather jacket totally worked with his tar tipped fingers, his low slung ebony neck beads skilfully drew our eyes to his pectoral area. Joel was wearing multiple cat prints, at first I got a shock and then as the night progressed I was into it. His hair did look as though a cartoon tiger had met an unfortunate end but I was OK with that.

Onto the singing we go!

First up was Prinnie Stevens. I gotta say she seemed kind of defeated from the start, there were tears in the opening package and she was obviously uncomfortable with the song which was Chris Brown’s “Forever”. I think Joel has done this lady a definite dis service with his song choices. Prinnie can flat out sing, this I know. We needed her to just stand still and deliver an epic belter, instead she was given bubblegum pop RnB. Her jacket/leggings/kicks combo was a bloody winner for me. I may end up in a scrag fight with Ricki-Lee Coulter over this as she expressed interest in Prinnie’s jacket also.

Next up was breasts singing one of my … Oh sorry … Diana Rouvas, singing one of my all time favourite breasts, “I can’t make you love me”. Songs! Obviously I meant songs. Diana had a definite moment here, several in fact. This was my favourite performance of the evening, it was beautifully delivered and she was right inside the lyrics. Her sparkly bosom was a tad distracting but in a good bountiful, fleshy way.

Lakyn took it upon himself to do unusual things to “Friday I’m in love” by The Cure. He did have on a lovely captains hat in the pre-package so every cloud…

Brittany Cairns was given an “edgy” song by Keith. He decided to challenge her with “Straight lines” by Silverchair. Britters came out with heavy black eyeliner, black nails AND black boots. Unfortunately all that black couldn’t help her sing the song with any kind of conviction, stick to the floaty frocks and ballads Urban and you may have a winner there. Special mention to Joel who again abused the audience for booing Delta when she expressed a slight dislike of Brittany’s performance. As someone who would secretly love to abuse many people, I cannot, due to it being a career limiting move- I salute him.

GROUP NUMBER ALERT! What a treat we were given with team Joel and Joel singing his song “Dance Floor Anthem”. Joel had on his special indoor sunnies and his team were obviously thrilled to be on stage with him. Joel was jumping and thrashing and high fiving and pointing and well, I just loved this performance sick.

Next up, the dude I continuously forget even exists -Adam Martin. Every time I see him I exclaim “I don’t know this person, who is this person?!” Yet there he was, on my TV, in his spen’cer singing “Romeo and Juliet” by Dire Straits. Adam is a fine musician, he seems to have too much musical integrity to be on this show. At least I think that is why my brain refuses to commit to him. Seal delivered another classic back hander which went something like “Adam, I am trying to get you. I watch you back stage and you have some sort of presence but I just don’t get you. Who are you? But… Well done.”

To make matters FAR worse for Adam (even as I typed his name my brain screamed WHO IS ADAM?) up in the “social media totally superfluous product placement lounge” Fuzzy asked him who his Juliet would be (that was a reference to his song you lot, keep up) to which he awkwardly replied “mumble, mumble, mumble long walks on the beach kinda guy”. Make it stop Fuzzy, maaaaaake it stooooooop.

Then it happened.. A shock of red hair, a metallic gold top, killer boots and a Whitney song bust from my TV. Sarah De Bono get in my ears, eyes and wardrobe! I think my tweet from last night says enough here:

“@EmRusciano: Sarah De Bono in a GOLD SHIT HOT FROCK singing Whitney? I AM SO IN. Sarah De Boner for my metaphorical musical penis. Oh dear.”

Yes I can quote myself, this is my re-cap!

Next up we all got taken to church to worship at the alter of the honey toned giant – Darren Percival. He smashed the Stevie Wonder classic “I believe” and had us all believing that everything is going to be alright. Seal loved it so much he did a seated high kick and Keith said he felt as though “we all just got baptised.” TESTIFY URBAN. TESTI-FECKING-FY!

Finally Ben Hazlewood. I have to admit this one has grown on me, he dedicated his song “I’m with you” by Avril Lavigne to his brother James who is no  longer with us and sang the arse out of it. He out hottied Laykn 5 to 1 and managed to stay afloat despite the blizzard of dry ice being hurled at him.

GROUP NUMBER ALERT! It was team Keith’s turn singing a song I have never heard before so lets assume it was one of Keith’s. I love his power stance when he sings, I love his slight boot leg jean and I love his gentle lisp. I think the rest of his team were on stage, I can’t guarantee it. It was all about Keith.

For me the best performances were Diana, Darren and Sarah.

The winner, shimmer cream (Yes, I’m referring to Diana’s lady bumps again.)

Until next time my cherubs.

Peace.

Em. x

Em Rusciano appears on Network Ten’s ’The Project’, she also  regularly hosts The Circle. You should follow her on Twitter here (she is Mamamia’s official The Voice tweeter) and take a look at her website here.

Did you watch last night? What did you think?