by EM RUSCIANO
Dear my darling “The Voice” contestants,
I bet you are sitting at home now wondering – what’s next? You were given a short hit of massive media exposure and now you are expected to find your way in this world full of reality TV rejects.
Seal has returned to his palatial home in England, where his man servant Charles is rubbing a soothing infusion of lavender and rosemary into his gleaming scalp.
Delta is busily finishing off her new range of perfume called “Juice De Delta” – where her scientists (all of whom have impossibly thick and healthy manes) have found a way to extract Delta’s very essence and bottle it, so we can all walk around smelling like her. Incidentally, it smells of daisies, honey and cotton.
Keith has been off rescuing orphaned African puppies and wait… I’m just getting news in…. Yes! Yes, I can confirm that Keith has also single-handedly – saved the whales. All of them. You can look for his new range of underwear coming out this spring, “UrBANG” – each pair comes with a detachable snail trail.
Joel is home in his Punk Palace, where he and Nicole wax lyrical about the issues of the world and whether or not feathers in a girl’s hair makes them look chic or cheap. He has been advised by neurosurgeons to lay off the hair dye for a while, as it would seem that some of it has leaked into his frontal lobe. Benji just sits… aaaand waits… his time will come.. Right guys?