Em Rusciano recaps The Voice: "I spun my chair so hard I got pregnant."

As sure as Delta is crumpled delicately somewhere in a corner crying apple cider tears and singing “I Am Beautiful” by Xtina, I am back with my “The Voice” recap numero deux.

Straight in, no faffing about.

Meet Reece and Tino who have never actually sung together but play basketball in the same team so it’s gonna be totally cool, OK? Someone needs to convince their mothers of that too. I feel pretty good about the both of them until they stuff their pre-performance fist bump up!  You had ONE JOB, you guys. The seminal R’n’B hip hop classic “No Diggity” is busted out and we’re all in. Ironically the whitest person on the panel turns around and – boom – our fly guys are in Team Kylie. Kylie will have to dig deep to find her street but I know it’s in her.

Moving on.

The lovely Brittanie appears and tells us that she has bought her grumpy Pa along for the ride. I love him instantly and forgive her for the way she spells her name. Turns out, Britt and Pa are totally BFFs and she lives with him. He tears up with pride, I tear up, Brittanie goes out and kills with a Les Mis classic and I’m all like “JUST PUT THEM BOTH THROUGH”. Brit picks Kylie and Pa is beside himself. I needed a nap after this one.

We’re all the while building up to the Blind Blind auditions, whereby we, the viewers, don’t get to see the contestants unless a judge turns around. Then I get totally distracted by a tweet that flashes up on the screen from last year’s contestant Rachael Leahcar (she is legally blind) “I thought I was the first blind blind audition?! #blindjoke”

Oh well played, Leahcar. Hats of gurrrl. Hats fecking off.

We end up getting to see a surfer jazz dude with severe eyebrows and cork screw curls. He does some mad scatting and Ricky enjoys it, a lot. He wants to rub his perfect face it in, take it to a country where same sex unions are legal and marry it.

Come in India! India has just finished Year 12 at, wait for it… Kylie Minogue’s old school. ZOMFG, you guys! India prayed to Kylie’s head shot everyday, she most definitely had the school nurse hand over any band-aids or stray hairs that may have been found at the school in the 80s when Kylie graduated so that she may clone her very own version of Kylie and sing to her every night.

India had a lovely voice, as she sung she was shooting red hot lasers into the back of Kylie’s chair but lady did not get the memo! I was afraid. India really wanted it… HARD.

Not one chair moved, not even the one she was meditating on. She took the rejection with such dignity and grace I feel bad for the entire paragraph just gone. India, you are a credit to your parents. Keep at it. That being said, I bet her Kylie action figure tasted the fire when she got home.

Johanna Aguilera fronts up and she is cute as a button. A wholesome button who reads Dolly Doctor and owns every can of Impulse, even the Spice Girls one that smells like Emma Bunton’s tears. Mum and Dad are delicious also, they came here from the Philippines where Mum was a Karaoke queen. Johanna manages to sing Florence and the Machine pretty well and everyone wants her. Will wins in the end ’cause he knows the President of the Philippines (naturally) and his best mate apl.de.ap FROM HIS BAND THE BLACK EYED PEAS is from there too. Represent.

I have glimpsed into the eyes of true love and staring back at me was a couple named Harry and Lois. Harry is a more “experienced musician” – a totally silver fox. He and Lois are so into each other it almost warms the blackened, bitter heart-shaped hole in my chest. He goes out and sings their wedding song and kills it. He ends up on team Joel. I hope Joel doesn’t actually try to “coach” him. Dude is 50-something. He’s got this.

Then there is nothing but Johnny Rollins who is a stone cold sex fox. He has a Ben-Harper-meets-Lionel-Ritchie-circa-1974 vibe about him and I say yes. I spun my chair so hard I got pregnant. Yes that works, don’t think about it too hard. He is a drummer-cum-lead singer-cum-heart thief and ends up on Team Kylie because lady ain’t no fool.

Last but not least we meet the second best Karaoke singer in the world: Candice. Candice is wearing a drop dead fabulous frock, sings like a Goddamn diva and has tone for days. She ends up on team Kylie and I say our smallest pop star has won the night. Will tried valiantly to get Candice on his business plane, she was having none of it.

That is that, not much Ricky action tonight I’m afraid. He is really keeping it on the down low. I’m watching him through, from afar… With my headlights on low so he can’t see my car.

Here are a few of our favourite moments from The Voice:

Were you watching last night?