Tonight we’re promised a dramatic cocktail party which is ridiculous because this whole show is a cocktail party.

Wise (the Fijian bartender forced to serve white people drinks against his will) is manning the bar always even at 7am and Davey is definitely there ordering an alcoholic beverage for breakfast.

He confides in Wise that at the beginning Florence belonged to Jake. He had the receipt, so Davey had to respect that, and chose Leah for his date instead. But Davey doesn’t want Leah anymore so returned her, then purchased one Florence from the shop, and NOW Jake went and did a steal right under his nose. Wise understands.

Meanwhile, Florence and Jake are walking to a romantic waterfall but the path is literally infested with snakes and FFS Osher someone is going to get bitten and you missed your First Aid course because you were too busy decorating the bungalows.

They sit beside a lagoon that definitely has leeches in it, and pop a bottle of champagne which the locals would surely be appalled by... given that the cork 100 per cent goes into the air and takes out on innocent native bird.

Jake asks Florence if she can swim and you'd f*cking hope so if she's on an island, in her bikini, ready to jump into a lagoon.

Florence is still worried about how everyone on the Gold Coast has a 'Jake Ellis' story and look we're going to say it once and once only: Jake has an STI. And no. Florence does not want it.

We dissect all the biggest talking points from the first week of this ridiculous show. Post continues after. 

But Florence's options are slim, because the other edge of her love triangle, Davey, is wearing a Survivor necklace for no reason and it looks hideous.

Everyone is laying around, mostly undercover because they're now violently peeling, when Sam 'I compliment women on their cans' Cochrane walks in with a man bun that the native birds are planning to nest in.

Speaking of native birds, for some reason one bird gets a subtitle for his squawk, and we think it's Channel 10's attempt at being funny? But pls this is a very serious show about people finding love we don't know why they feel the need to make light of it.

"I believe I'm single because I have a high expectation and a high understanding of what I bring to a relationship," Sam says and, oh, um, we don't think that's why you're single but okay.

He says he wants someone who accepts him "warts and all" and FFS enough with the STIs it's 8pm on a Monday.

Michael starts to develop a nervous tic because of how badly he wants to brush his hair and honestly fair enough.

"I'm in trouble because I'm fresh," Sam says to Keira in regards to getting a rose, and oh, um, we don't think that's why you're in trouble.

Meanwhile, Flo and Jake return from their date, and Flo says, "it's really easy to just forget what he did to me and just be normal again." WHAT DID HE DO TO YOU.

PLS.

TELL US.

The overwhelming problem with this show is that we feel like we're lacking a significant amount of context that's crucial to the storyline, and it's stressful.

But you know what's never lacking context? Keira.

She's mad that she's been left with the dregs, which is true, so she goes for a walk with Sam. He asks who the bachelor was on her season and EUGH DON'T PRETEND YOU DIDN'T STUDY. You all know exactly who each other are because of a) Instagram, and b) Wikipedia, but no one knows who Brett is, because he has never before appeared on television.

Speaking of Brett, everyone's angry that he's on the show when he has a girlfriend on the 'outside' (you've been here two days... it's Australia. He has a girlfriend in Australia).

So, to be clear, there are two prerequisites to be on this show.

Firstly, that you are single and secondly, that you've been on reality television before. This Brett person ticks neither box and everyone is incredibly bamboozled.

Most of all, Tara, who is friends with Brett's girlfriend, and was certain when she left they were still together.

She gets overwhelmed by the whole thing so starts crying and saying she wants to leave, but a producer encourages forces her to confront him about it.

It's hard to get a straight answer, because yes he still has a girlfriend but no the producers can't know that or they'll be pissed.

You see, Brett is expecting his girlfriend Steph, who is also an ex-Bach contestant, to join the show, which begs the question...

If you already have a girlfriend, Mr. Brett, why don't you just go on a f*cking holiday to Fiji and leave us out of it? 

At this point, one producer who is clearly too hot and has had enough of Brett's shit, breaks the fourth wall and starts asking, "DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND OR NOT. DO NOT MAKE A MOCKERY OF THIS SHOW WHERE EX-REALITY TV PEOPLE GET DRUNK IN FIJI FOR FOUR WEEKS AND OSH WEARS A DIFFERENT HAWAIIAN SHIRT EVERY DAY. DON'T YOU DARE MAKE FOOLS OUT OF US."

Brett still refuses to answer, at which point everyone decides their investment in him is so low they'll let it slide. He continues refusing to speak to women which is precisely the point of the show he bizarrely signed up for.

Moments later, Brett comments to Luke that Lisa has the best rig out of all the girls and SHUT THE HELL UP BRETT you don't even go here.

SHHH SHUT UP NOW.

Laurina's here, and she firmly believes in her heart that she is The Bachelorette and that's okay.

As soon as she walks in, Blake corners her because all the women thus far have refused to speak to him. She agrees to take him on a date for reasons no one can understand, least of all Blake.

When they arrive, they're given a card with instructions about the date, and Blake reads it.

Blake can't read, and that's okay. Laurina has to read it. It says they have to put mud on each other. He understands. Because he is a pig.

STOP PLS it's cocktail party time and the dilemma is simple.

Jake has a toy. That toy is Florence. Davey wanted a turn with the toy and Jake said no. Then when Davey was playing with the toy later, Jake came up and stole it. He wants his toy back.

Davey says, "at the end of the day it's going to be me and Jake, verses Flo," and wait what that's a complete misunderstanding of how the show works. It's Davey vs. Jake, decided by Flo, you idiot.

Jake's strategy is to tell Flo in approximately eight different ways that she looks pretty tonight. Davey's strategy is to steal flowers from the protected wildlife in Fiji and hand them to a woman he could've gone on a date with and chose not to.

Both are flawless.

Brett also has a strategy. To not speak to one woman this whole time and hope that for no reason at all, someone chooses to keep him.

It's time for the rose ceremony, and Osher explains that there are seven roses and nine men and seven women and six bungalows and three birds and one Fiji and also one Wise.

It's confusing for him.

Ultimately, Florence is left with the final rose, and she has to choose between a) the f*ck boy who had already f*cked her over, b) the f*ck boy who hadn't f*cked her over yet, and c)...Brett.

She chooses Jake and no. 

Wait.

Why were we rooting for Davey?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

UNTIL MONDAY NIGHT.