BLOG: Lying to your kids: Fess up, we've all done it.

by BERN MORLEY

We’ve all done it. Told a few white lies to our children or made a few empty threats to get our children to behave.

And I’m not talking about the fabrication of Santa and his band of deceptive cohorts – no those are your stock standard childhood fallacies told to children to improve their lives.  I’m talking more about the ones you invent to help you, the parent, do your job.

We didn’t own a car as kids so the best my mother could threaten me with was that she’d have the Bus Driver pull over and throw me off the bus. Which of course she never did, she was the empty threat queen.

I on the hand, have used the “Would you like to walk home?” method of discipline many a time.  I’ve of course, never ACTUALLY followed through on it but I have heard of parents that do. The other day there was a situation between my boys in the back seat of the car because the 10 year old was looking out the 6 year old’s window. Yes, you read that correctly.

They argued back and forth progressively getting louder and more ridiculous with each exchange until I slammed on the brakes (adds a certain dramatic flair I find) and asked them if they’d “Like to get out and walk home??”  Sam, the eldest shook his head gravely and said that no, he’d like to continue on in the car thanks. That’s when I heard Jack, the 6 year  old say “Can you pull over at the next servo then?”

As my 10 year old so eloquently put it – “I think you just got owned by a 6 year old Mum.”

I think though the biggest lie I swallowed as a kid (please see what I did there) was to believe I’d grow a watermelon out of my BEHIND if I ate the seeds. I mean really Mum?

Out of my ears wasn’t a terrifying enough prospect for me?  So too bubble-gum. Apparently if I swallowed this, I’d forever blow gum bubbles out of my arse. Sure, she fooled me into never EVER doing either of these two things but at what cost?

I on the other hand don’t really have a plan for the inedible. I do have to remind all three of my children to not put things in their mouth that aren’t food though.

Even the 13 year old who I caught with a miniature seahorse in her mouth the other day.  Jack once ate an entire television remote control so I’m not sure I could scare him off with any bum/bubble-gum scenario even if I tried.

I think though, my favourite ever white lie that my friend was told as a kid, one which I have brought into use in my own parenting world, was the Mr Whippy Van fib. You know Mr Whippy the ice-cream van, the one that comes around at a REALLY inconvenient time, usually *just* as you’ve gotten your baby to sleep, blasting Greensleeves  through his dodgy loudspeakers, that guy?

Well this friend of mine, her parents maintained that if Mr Whippy played that song, he was all out of ice-cream so she never ran out to chase him down and in fact, she never doubted her parents for a second. 

What about those occasions when you are using the upcoming event or occasion as currency by using the whole “If you don’t clean your room, you’re not going to Jessica’s  party next week.”  Or “If you roll your eyes again at me young lady, you won’t be going to Dreamworld for your birthday.”

It’s  complete bullshit of course, they were always going to go to Dreamworld even if they rolled their eyes so hard they passed out.  Doesn’t mean it isn’t BRILLIANT bribe material until the day comes though.

Bern is a Gen X, child of the 80′s. Kept busy being a working mother of 3 children, one with Aspergers, renovating the original money pit and drinking too many coffees in the space of 24 hours. One day she’ll remember to leave the meat out for tea but until then she writes beautiful and amusing posts on her blog which you can find here.

How about you? Do you have any slightly underhanded ways to get your children to do things or stop doing things?  Share for the world to pass down through the generations.