'No one thought what my ex was doing was illegal. Then he tried to kill me.'

This story includes descriptions of sexual assault/domestic violence that may be distressing to some readers.

Megan* still remembers the sound of her daughter's frantic whisper on the other end of the phone. She was at an appointment with her psychologist when the 14-year-old called, crying and hiding in the garden as she watched strangers move through the family home.

A neighbour later told police they had spoken to Megan's husband — the subject of a Domestic Violence Order (DVO) — who had admitted to sending people into the house.

"My daughter was hysterical. She told me she was terrified," Megan told Mamamia.

Megan reported the incident to police as one of many breaches of a DVO that was supposed to keep her and her children safe. On another occasion, Megan's husband turned up at her daughter's workplace. Another time, he followed them through Coles. He rang Megan and the children late at night, slipped onto calls made through relatives, and eventually, hacked Megan's phone. Megan reported every breach to police, and supplied evidence each time, including phone logs, screenshots, and even CCTV footage.

Watch: Coercive control is a deliberate pattern of abuse. Post continues after video.

Some arrests were made, but charges were dropped. Other times, officers refused to charge at all; the breaches were deemed too minor.

"He knew how to play the system. He escalated because nobody stopped him."

To some people, an unwanted call or a supermarket sighting might sound trivial, but for Megan and her children, every incident was terrifying. Each breach was a proclamation that he would not be stopped.

"We lived in a terrified state. The children had nightmares, I struggled to sleep, I couldn't work."

Eventually, the breaches did escalate into violence. Megan's husband attacked her in her home. He was later charged with strangulation and multiple counts of assault.

"I didn't feel safe in my own home until he was sentenced for the criminal offences in February. I still fear that he may retaliate."

The 'Grey' breach.

"What might be dismissed as a technical or 'grey' breach is often part of a deliberate pattern of coercive control," said Monash University's Professor Kate Fitz-Gibbon, a globally renowned academic who specialises in the prevention of violence against women and children.

She said that what police often dismiss as small incidents may be serious warning signs.

"When the justice system downplays these incidents, it sends a dangerous message to victim-survivors that their safety is negotiable," Fitz-Gibbon told Mamamia.

Professor Fitz-Gibbon also warned that these breaches are rarely committed in isolation.

"When breaches are minimised, the system fails to recognise how small acts of intimidation, monitoring or contact build into an escalating pattern of abuse. We know from domestic homicide reviews that so-called minor breaches can precede the most serious acts of intimate partner violence."

Breaches of any kind, she said, are just one piece of the puzzle in a broader campaign of coercive control, where abusers seek to instil fear, undermine independence, and erode safety.

"If we only respond to the most blatant or violent incidents, we are missing the red flags that tell us danger is escalating."

Megan has seen it first-hand.

"Every breach, no matter how small, instils fear. Every time they get away with it, they are empowered to continue. The offending becomes more serious as it continues."

When breaches lead to murder.

Megan survived being strangled and assaulted by her husband, despite repeated breaches of a DVO. Many women do not.

In Brisbane in 2025, nurse Carra Luke was fatally stabbed allegedly by her estranged husband despite an active DVO. In 2020, Hannah Clarke and her three children were murdered by Hannah's estranged husband, after repeated breaches of an order.

Newcastle woman Mackenzie Anderson had an AVO when she was allegedly stabbed to death in 2022, just days after her husband's release on parole. And in Perth, Jennifer Petelczyc and her teenage daughter Gretl were shot dead by the husband of Jennifer's friend, despite repeated warnings to police about his guns and risk of violence.

These tragedies reveal the stakes of minimising DVOs and so-called "grey" or "minor" breaches and offences.

"Inconsistent enforcement of protection orders reflects both systemic gaps and cultural attitudes that trivialise women's experiences," Professor Fitz-Gibbon said,

"When police or courts see breaches as inconsequential, it undermines trust in the system and emboldens perpetrators. A protection order is only as effective as the system that stands behind it."

After years of repeated DVO breaches, Megan and her children felt trapped in a constant state of fear. Psychologist Amanda Gordon said this is common.

"Repeated breaches can cause the victim to potentially behave in one of two ways. One is that they and their children become hypervigilant, always looking over their shoulders in case something bad is about to happen," she told Mamamia.

"The other possibility is that the victim could become worn down, start accepting that this is their lot and that life can never change. This leads to allowing other traumatising events to occur, and not fighting back."

And when authorities fail to respond, the damage deepens.

"When a victim-survivor is heard and responded to, they can begin to learn to trust, and that is the beginning of building a true sense of self. If people in authority let one down, it becomes even harder to make sense of a world and see that there can be control."

For children, the impacts can be lifelong.

"Children who live in traumatic circumstances often fail to thrive in other basic ways. They may become hypervigilant and not manage to focus on anything else, especially things like social engagement that is a core developmental need of children," Gordon said.

"Where there is evidence, charges should be laid."

After years of unanswered breaches, Megan's trust in the justice system is fractured.

"I did everything I was supposed to do," she said. "I got the order. I reported every breach. And still, he was allowed to hurt me, and to traumatise my kids."

For Megan, survival has turned into purpose. Today, she is the founder of HerStory Revolution and works as an advocate, mentor, counsellor, and speaker.

"I work as a private advocate; I attend police stations to report with victims. The attitudes of those on the front line need to change, many don't seem to understand the associated risks," she says.

"Repeated breaches are an indication of high risk. There needs to be less discretion. Where there is evidence, charges should be laid."

*Name has been changed to protect identity.

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service.

Mamamia is a charity partner of RizeUp Australia, a national organisation that helps women, children and families move on after the devastation of domestic and family violence. Their mission is to deliver life-changing and practical support to these families when they need it most. If you would like to support their mission you can donate here. 

Feature image: Getty.