Mamamia recaps The Golden Bachelor: Everyone is crying or taking their tops off.

The Golden Bachelor is back for another week! Can I get a yee-haw?

After meeting Bear and the Goldies last week, Bear and host Sammy arrive by horse! Not the same horse. Different horses. Don't be silly.

They are having a group horse riding date because of this nonsensical reason: "If these girls can control a wild horse, they should be able to umm… control, errr tame a bear!" our Bachie not-so-confidently declares. Alrighty!

The women are standing in an empty paddock when Bear and Sammy roll in to take the women on 'the ride of a lifetime!' before Bianca announces she is 'pooing her pants'. Sounds like quite the ride!

Bear shares some Canadian wisdom: "I think riding a horse is like riding a horse!"

He should start a self-help podcast.

One girl is going to win the horse riding date and La Ren (the Olympic horse lady icymi) thinks she is going to nail it. But Kim and Bear's horses are practically married and this Goldie has to make a big move to get his attention.

She decides to take the bareback riding theme literally by riding topless in a bikini. This is a bold, innovative strategy that I fully embrace.

The Paris Olympics could never! Image: Nine.

The women attempt to wrangle cattle into a pen, as Bianca shouts indiscriminate noises at the confused cows.

By the end of it, Bianca shouts 'I give up!' to the heavens above. Huge mood.

"Kim is up the front talking to Bear, Lauren has her tits out and I've barely said a word to him all day," Bianca says in her confessional. Iconic.

I think The Golden Bachelor has found its season narrator! In Bianca, we trust.

Back at the mansion, Sunny is forcing the women to learn golf.

"Two legs on the ground!" she advises. Thanks Sunny! Got to remember that tip!

She gives up as quickly as she started. "They are very awful," Sunny swiftly decides.

'Have you tried being better??' Image: Nine.

The winner of the group date is not La Ren (the Olympic horse lady icymi) because Bear selects Bianca. He thanks her for her "adventurous spirit". Umm, that's one bland word for it.

Bear hopes to see a more serious side to Bianca. "Who is Bianca?" he asks. Ummm, she's sitting right next to you. That's her. That is Bianca.

Bear tells her that she's 'very special' and idk this date is giving grandad takes his daughter out to dinner. Anyways, grandaddy gives Bianca a rose.

When they kiss, I feel uncomfy!!!

Next, he's going to ask her to bring him a jar of boiled sweeties when they meet again and he'll slip her a shilling.

'A special rose for my special girl!' Image: Nine.

Real estate queen Gera is selected for a solo date. After years of prioritising her career over love, she is ready to put herself out there.

Their big romantic date? Puppy yoga. This is vintage Bachie vibes but I'm not sensing much romantic vibes between these two.

I reckon Gera had more sparks with that cavoodle she was frenching (I'm sorry but dog people are weird).

I GUESS THIS IS FINE. Image: Nine.

Gera spoke about her decision not to have children in her 40s. They share an orange juice and he gives her a rose. Moving on!

Host Sammy pops in to bring up all the Goldies' past trauma. Terri tearfully described the devastation she felt when her ex-husband introduced their kids to his new partner; Jan admits she endured an unfaithful marriage; Sunny's relationship ended when her partner abandoned her after her mother got dementia.

Sammy says she empathises with the women's stories and 'she wears her grief like a badge of honour'.

Just some fun girly chit-chat! But for real, it's a beautiful and refreshingly raw conversation.

It's not all bad either: Katrina got some new boobs out of her marriage and Laura got her daughter, living, breathing icon, Abbie Chatfield.

'Cheers to that, babes. Her TikToks are amazing!' Image: Nine.

It's cocktail party time! Gera is telling the women about her date and La Ren is seething with jealousy. But she keeps her top on this time, don't worry!

In a sweet moment, Sunny and Bear have their deepest convo yet about the death of her mother.

Bear grabs Katrina for a chat, but sadly, she forgets how to talk. There they sit and not a sentence is spoken. She eventually remembers some words but I don't have high hopes for these two.

At the rose ceremony, it's tits out for La Ren — she gets a rose!

Sadly, the same can't be said for Hamidah, who umm… only spoke for the first time on tonight's ep. Sorry, darls.

Okay, I can confidently say The Golden Bachelor is CHAOS and if you don't jump on the train, you'll be left at the station. Choo-choo, let's ride!

Feature image: Nine.