Mamamia recaps The Golden Bachelor: Nobody puts Cathy in the corner.

Start blasting David Bowie's 'Golden Years' and dust off a sensible, low heel because The Golden Bachelor is back, baby.

That hellfire first night is behind us and it's a brand-new day!

The Goldies are doing downward dog in the garden! Elizete finally found someone to samba with! Sunny is hitting golf balls into unsuspecting passing fishermen! Life is good!

Hostest with the mostest, Sammy, rolls in to hand a solo date card for *drum roll, pls * Janette. The pilates studio owner is chuffed but you know someone who is not chuffed? Catherine.

She says in her confessional that she 'hopes it goes terrible' and doesn't want Janette to return with a rose.

Cathy is not okay.

'I literally hope she gets swept away by the sea! Just kidding! Unless??' Image: Nine.

Ah yes, the cherished Bachie tradition of wishing the worst upon your competition. It's good to be back!

Once again, Bear arrived by boat. I haven't seen this many scenes of a bear on a boat since Paddington in Peru!!

But unlike Paddington Bear, Bachie Bear is still extremely awkward to watch.

Back on another boat — a sailing boat this time — Bear and Janette steer the boat steering wheel (??) together and sparks are flying.

We learn Janette's marriage ended in 2005 but she had regrets over how it ended. "I lost a good man, I don't want to do that again," she admits in her confessional. Could Bear be that other good man?? No spoilers, pls!

They enjoy an obligatory cheeseboard on a cute little beach date. The two share lessons from their past relationships and bond over both having sons. I will say… this chat is very intense and serious, and I would find this kinda blah for a first date. Where are the lols? Where is the soft bullying?? Where is the romance???

Anyways, she gets a rose! Congrats!

But then things get extra weird when Bear makes Janette go swimming in her clothes. She hates every minute of it!

'Get me TF out of here…' Image: Nine.

Back at the mansion, Cathy is still reeling. "Why wasn't it me??" she shouts to the heavens, as she slides another needle into the Janette voodoo doll she keeps under her pillow.

It's group date time! Elizete is hoping that it's 50 Shades of Grey-themed, and she's not totally wrong. It's a photoshoot inspired by love stories on the silver screen.

Sunny naturally casts herself as the leading lady Sandy to play opposite Bear's Danny in Grease. Sunny thinks her role is a little too innocent. "I'd like to go wild and rip his shirt off!" she growls at the camera. She keeps trying to kiss him as they pose. "He won't be your Bear for long!" interjects Gera as man-stealer Cha Cha.

"I'm going to be with him forever," Sunny whispers in a confessional. I believe it.

Cathy finally gets her big moment as Baby in Dirty Dancing. "Nobody puts Catherine in the corner!" she declares.

Nicolette truly got screwed with the role of Penny, as she is instructed to awkwardly dance in the background as Cathy and Bear cuddle, kiss and dry-hump on the floor.

'Go on The Bachelor, they say. It'll be fun, they say.' Image: Nine.

I'm sorry, but why didn't we see the moments when the women decided who got to play who? That's how we'd get to know these women a looooot more tbh.

For a Muriel's Wedding shoot, Elizete and Katrina join Shamse as the bride. But Shamse said in a confessional she feels 'guilty' and speaks about her husband who passed away recently.

She has to take a minute and Sammy consoles her. "I am grieving a lot," she tells her.

I'm crying. This is the reason why this show works. These women come from rich lives and it's captivating viewing to learn about where they came from.

At the cocktail party, Bianca is praising Elizete's great butt and Shamse is sharing her moment of resurfaced trauma. That's called range, folks.

Cathy is hyped over her sexy time with Bear. Lauren is glum because "no one is touching my boobs!" Same girl. Same. The women agree they'd let the ones who had the least amount of time with Bear speak to him first.

I've watched The Bachelor a looong time and all I can say is… sure, Jan!

No, not that Jan. Image: Nine.

Bear immediately grabs Shamse, and she speaks about how the wedding photoshoot triggered her, and Bear admits he felt the same. He gives her a rose. I love Shamse!!!

Anyway, the women prove they're besties with their 'permission to push' rule… well, except Cathy, who grabs Bear despite literally inhaling his face hours earlier.

"She's like a perfumed tarantula," Bianca remarks. Cathy decided she needed to tell Bear she felt a connection. He doesn't know why they're speaking.

This could have been an email, Cathy.

Meanwhile, La Ren has had zero time with him. "Queen Catherine does what is best for Queen Catherine," La Ren notes in confessional.

Petty feuds are back, baby.

Anyways, La Ren nabs a rose and it's Linda and Nicolette who get sent home.

"You take care of my girls!" Nicolette offers as her parting words. Sadly for her, nobody did put Baby in the corner, but Penny had to GTFO.

I can't wait for the sequel!

Feature image: Nine.