The Circle: A personal story of loss

by NATALIE KAPLAN

This time last week, I was told that my ten week old pregnancy was no longer.  I was prepared for the news, as after miscarrying in May this year I had been very, very anxious counting down the weeks this time round.  When I started spotting on Tuesday, I had an inkling of the way it was going to go.  The scan on Thursday confirmed the worst.

I went to work on Friday feeling ok.  In fact, better than ok.  I felt like a weight had been taken off my shoulders.   While I grieved for the baby that wouldn’t be joining us in February, I felt like it was easier to let go of than the one that would have arrived at Christmas.  My anxiety had lifted and I was excited, in fact almost elated, about the next six months and what they would entail.  The night prior, after debriefing with my husband, we’d decided to leave it alone for the time being.  We already have two divine girls that we are so grateful for.   Gorgeous, spirited little ladies that drive us mad and make us laugh in equal parts.  And, I had just been promoted into my dream position at work.  Four weeks prior I became a segment producer at The Circle.

So  it is now that I am in mourning.  Sad, angry and uncertain about what lies ahead. I know there have been things written in the media this week about The Circle and the team I work with.  And every word is true.  Truer than true.  I have never worked in a more inclusive, creative and inspiring environment.  The last twelve months here have been a joy. “You’ll get another job,” family and friend say in support.  But like a toddler, I am defiant.  I don’t want another job, I want this one. And I have only been here a year – there are people who have worked on the show since its inception, and people who came years, many years before.

We sat around in tears yesterday as our “resident psychologist” Sabina Read gave us an impromptu counselling session after her last segment on our show.  She talked to us about grief.  About loss.  And she validated what we had all been feeling.  That we have lost something very special.  That this was unlike any other workplace she had experienced.  And while that the ‘powers that be’ can dismantle everything we have worked very hard to build, they cannot dismantle the connections we have made with each other.  That we can take these connections with us wherever we end up.  That the love and support we show each other cannot be diminished.

We are a talented bunch.  We are experienced, creative, funny, smart and generous.  I know, that although it may take time, we will all end up in a great place.  But this does not make the grieving process any easier at this point.

In our final days we are pitching in and leaning on each other.  We are putting together a ripper of a final show and we will go out with a bang.  But I think what makes this so hard to swallow, is that we have all lost something unique.  This loss, like a miscarriage, is permanent.   Because, even though I may have a subsequent pregnancy, the baby won’t be the same.  And like grieving the loss of an unborn child once you know the personalities these little beings become, I am grieving the loss of a workplace that I know cannot be replicated.  And that just makes me sad.

Natalie Kaplan is a television producer, publicist and parent.  She has worked for The Circle, Offspring and Neighbours. She is presently procrastinating.