The Celebrity Apprentice recap: Guess who's back?

It’s a doozy.

“I’m really sad Geoff’s gone. He was kind of like this wise old Yoda that didn’t really do much,” says a disembodied voice that could be Sophie Monk.

Oh no wait, it’s Tim Dormer! And so begins episode four of the critically acclaimed and much-lauded third season of Celebrity Apprentice (missed a recap? Sort it out here: Ep 1, Ep 2, Ep 3).

Sideshow Dormer goes on to proclaim that he’s not going to let Richard Reid’s bullshit affect him today. I wish you the greatest of luck with that, my curly-haired friend.

This week, my sweet, misunderstood Esther is out to prove she’s really a boss-lady, but there’s a spanner in the works: Gina Liano, arguably the strongest, or at least the bossiest, member of the ladies’ team, has called one in.

Royal Prank DJ Mel Greig helpfully informs us that Liano is known to have a weak bowel.

“Even though Gina wasn’t the project manager in all three challenges, she clearly WAS the project manager in all three challenges,” Muscles Cooper observes sagely.

All celebrities arrive in a park, for no discernible reason. Mr Mark Bouris arrives with his stilettoed henchwomen, whose heels must be sinking right into that grass.

Bouris tells our celebrities that this challenge is personal. This is because it directly affects his bank account business and possibly his self-esteem. Their task this week is to launch Bouris’s own new financial product called “Guru”.

What, pray, is Guru? Well, dear audience, you will be left in no doubt as to the benefits of this very necessary and useful product by the end of the show.

“It gives Australians a look into the future on the day they retire,” Daddy Warbucks tells the celebrities. He is both a wizard and a businessman.

Daddy Warbucks is going to decide who wins this challenge based on product knowledge, product communication, and how many Channel 10 viewers customers the celebrities sign up.

Sweet, misunderstood Esther believes this is a challenge which lends itself to her skills: communicating one-on-one.

I’M BETTER ONE-ON-ONE TOO ESTHER! Groups give me hives.

Bouris and his hench-ladies stalk off after plucking their heels from the soil, leaving our overdressed celebrities standing gormlessly in the park.

The groups head to nondescript meeting rooms to hatch their plans. “Oi don’t understand what we’re selling,” says Monk, something that will become something of a theme for this episode and presumably Monk’s day-to-day life.

Royal Prank DJ says she had income protection which saved her following that disastrous prank call that resulted in tragedy and left her virtually untouchable. By contrast, her co-host Mike Christian was awarded Southern Cross Austereo’s Next Top Jock award.

RPDJ goes on: she had to write out her will because of threats against her life; she flew to the UK to attend the inquest on her own dime.

This is all actually fascinating, but aren’t you guys supposed to be shilling for Bouris right now?

Oh wait, I get it, this is RPDJ’s pitch for project manager.

However, sweet, misunderstood Esther’s determined to show her worth in this week’s challenge after last week when no one supported her prancercise. I thought it was charming, you colourful unicorn!

Esther’s pitch: her dad’s 90 years old and only just retiring because he couldn’t afford to stop working. Wait, how old is my darling angel Esther? Perhaps her father should have reconsidered continuing to procreate well into his dotage? Esther, as is her wont, gets teary; is promptly made project manager.

James is unanimously named the boys’ project manager. I mean, just look what he’s doing to keep food on the table. Do you think this is a walk in the park? Well, admittedly, yes, there was some strolling in the park earlier. But for real, no one understands financial hardship better than this guy. #PrayForJames.

The phone rings; it’s Gina. The girls are praying she’s feeling better because let’s face it, Muscles Cooper was right. She’s the meat in this sandwich. She’s the Beyonce in this Destiny’s Child.

Alas, it’s bad news. “With my history” — that’s one of weak bowels, remember — “you can’t ignore [the pain]… so I rang my surgeon.”

Long story short: Gina’s not coming back because she’s sick and in hospital. If she can remain in hospital till the final week she could easily take this thing out. Another chapter for her well-known memoir Fearless! Perhaps for the next reprint?

Oh God, now Miss Universe Australia isn’t feeling well either. Is it sympathetic bowel syndrome? Or are they just trying to discredit sweet, misunderstood Esther in her glory week?

Miss Universe Australia clutches her stomach and runs from the room. This is just like the time I ate street meat in South America and threw up in a bin. Go well, MUA! Use your sash if you need to.

Daddy Warbucks gathers Mel, James, Richard and Esther together and has a really dull financial type explain what Guru is to them. I tuned out for that bit so cannot elaborate.

All celebrities look on blankly.

The Guru gurus are informed that they will carry out their important work at a “suburban shopping mall”.

Cut to a slow-motion Bouris striding into a super secret squirrel surveillance van, from which he will be creepily spying on all the celebrities. TWIST: THEY WON’T KNOW!!!!!!

The Rouse Hill shopping mall could be the most suburban nightmare in all of Sydney. Fortunately, it is prime Kyle and Jackie O territory. Monk gets on air to spruik her presence in Sydney’s west and lo, they go to her.

Over to the boys, and Richard wants to “go with fear” as a tactic. “Have you thought about your financial future?” is a question that is just a little too real for James.

Meanwhile, sweet, misunderstood Esther has some very sweet ideas that could possibly be misunderstood.

“What about a fairy? Because it’s still dress-up, you know, um, a little bit — fairy? So we’re like fairies…” she gabbles at Royal Prank DJ, whose response is:

James appears to have listened diligently to that boring financial guy and proceeds to explain the ins and outs of Guru like a fervent convert. Could it be that he’ll secure his financial future this easily?

MUA returns from the toilets in time to listen to sweet, misunderstood Esther explain to the team what Guru is. Again, I tune out.

Sophie informs us that she doesn’t “like learning, in general” which makes it hard for her to “exhorb” information.

“Oh, and also, we’re going to be dressed as fairies!” charming ethereal fairy Esther adds.

She’s even hired a balloon fairy, but she went to the wrong stall.

And so the cold selling begins.

Sweet sparkle Esther dreamed up a line about being “financial fairies to grant financial wishes”, but when used in context it just sounds like she’s going to give money away.

Muscles Cooper seems to think all he has to do is shake hands with people and say his own name.

“If you ever want any advice with the Miss World stuff, walking, talking, etikwat, eliquette, being eli…. eliquent, um, knowing how to talk on camera,” Miss Universe Australia tells a young woman. She seems to have erm, misplaced her sash, so this makes even less sense, coming as it is from a random in fairy wings at Rouse Hill shopping centre.

Monk’s call-out to the Kyle and Jackie O’s audience has resulted in a lot of selfies, but it’s not clear if anyone’s actually signing up for Daddy Warbucks’s financial product.

Monk simply reads the Guru tagline from posters.

Blonde henchwoman no.2 is not impressed.

Richard Reid thinks he is being extremely productive but believes the boring financial people, the people from Guru who are actually helping customers, are moving too slowly.

For some reason, he tests this theory with Sideshow Dormer, who thinks he is an enormous knob. Dormer disagrees with Richard’s appraisal of the situation, which results in Reid being hugely passive aggressive.

Dormer calls him on it, which is the best thing to do with bullies. Y’hear, kids? Call them out on what they’re doing. They’ll totally go to water.

A loud and juvenile argument ensues.

“I was just trying to have a little fun and he turned on me,” Richard whines to James, who cuddles him like my pre-school teacher when I peed my pants during show-and-tell.

All think they’re hustling.

“Us girls can work the street,” Monk says, with just the right amount of sass to conjure a 1980s prostitute with a heart of gold.

Daddy Warbucks is so disgusted at the celebrities’ efforts that he throws off his headphones and leaves his stalker van.

To the boardroom, you awful morons!

Cue serious music and that intimidating bitchy-resting-faced receptionist.

“I really stepped up as project manager,” sweet, lovable fairy Esther says. “There’s no way I deserve to be fired today,” which is something she says each and every week.

“I’d like to see Tim go,” Richard bitches, predictably.

The receptionist calls the celebrities and Bouris makes his dramatic entrance from behind a silhouette screen. He is loving himself sick tonight.

Gina has sent a video message from her hospital bed, from where she looks like Sigourney Weaver’s character in Working Girl after she broke her leg.

The bad news? Liano must now forfeit the competition. The good news?

She’s wearing her tail and everything.

The girls are so pleased with this development.

Reid has to put in his two cents.

“You all better watch your backs!” he informs the girls. “You pushed her under a bus and she’s going to remember that!”

Oooooooooh weeee, producers, please hear my call. Bring Blake back. Richard Reid’s tanty will make such a good promo. Imagine the GIFs!

Gabi, safe for now, stalks off, tail swishing, to glug Champagne alone and await her prey team members.

Now, the judges speak. KAK gives James a high score for communicating.

James says he divided the teams so that he and Muscles Cooper were separated, essentially because Sideshow Dormer and Richard Reid need adult supervision.

Bouris calls them “horny bucks”, which makes me feel unclean. Get back in your stalker van, Daddy Warbucks!

Richard denies creating drama, while simultaneously creating drama. It’s like when my brother yells at me that he’s not yelling at me.

“You are the one who is insecure and gets your feelings hurt. That’s why you’re manifesting this added drama,” points out Sideshow Dormer, M.D. (psych).

“Don’t tell me how I am!” Reid is about to run into his room, slam the door and scream that he hates Dormer, then apply dramatic eye make-up in the mirror while crying to Boys Don’t Cry.

The argument continues, painfully. Veins begin popping out on Richard’s head.

Muscles Coops tries to calm everyone down, and everyone listens to him because sports and muscles.

KAK puts on her own psychiatrist’s hat (she and Dormer were roomies at med school!) and says Reid is volatile, which can make him vulnerable to Dormer’s poking the bear.

They’re saying that Dormer has deliberately riled Reid, but I disagree. He is simply behaving the same way he has the whole way through: like a slow-witted but very sly high school queen bee.

“Tim has been pushing me and now I feel played!” Richard seizes the idea joyously. “I’m a fool! I’m a fool! I didn’t realise I was being played!” he wails.

Moving on, Mr Bouris informs fragrant rose Esther that he really didn’t dig the fairy theme.

He asks Sophie to explain what Guru is but she can’t because she’s sweated the pen notes from her hand all over the back of Mel’s chair.

OK, stop the recriminations, you loathsome creeps! It’s time to decide a winner.

Girls: signed up 160 people.

Boys: signed up 80 people.

Well that’s it then, right? WRONG.

Plot twist! Of the people the girls signed up, very few actually knew what they were signing up for.

Daddy Warbucks snatches my exotic butterfly Esther’s win away and hands it to the boys. He is a cruel, cruel master.

James, as winning team leader, gives $25,000 to Barnardos, which is the only good thing to come out of this pungent turd of an episode.

Meanwhile, at the cocktail party, Sideshow Tim is pleased poor little Geoff’s out of the way.

“This is the first time I’ve seen you up close,” Tim says to Gabi. “You’re actually very beautiful.”

“What do I look like from afar?” she responds. Well, since you ask…

Back in the boardroom, sweet Esther sweetly nominates Sophie as the weakest link. Sophie, less sweetly, blames Esther for not communicating Guru in a way that she could exhorb.

Predictably, RPDJ also nominates Esther, because she and Sophie have clearly struck up a friendship. MUA is the third wheel, but she’d like in on that too, so she also nominates Esther.

RPDJ manages to escape the firing squad and joins the others in the Champagne room.

“I think you’ll be great, I think you deserve another chance!” Mel tells Gabi, much too loudly.

“I’m glad you think so,” says Gabi, grabbing a lock of Mel’s hair and then dropping it. This has the desired effect. Mel laughs, too loudly, and gulps her champers.

In the boardroom, Bouris is torn.

“This is a tough decision for me,” says Bouris. Subtext: “because you’re all really hot.”

He points that nasty finger at my rare and delicate orchid Esther, and she is fired. She was too good for this world.

Go well, my sweet, misunderstood Esther.