Look.
I think deep down we all knew this day would come.
It started in the deepest corners of the internet.
Slowly, women everywhere noticed their friends tagging them in a strange comment thread.
‘Read these,’ the notification read. ‘You must read them.’
The comments were in response to a photo. An advertisement, if you will. For bikini bottoms. Except… they looked like this:
The comment thread - growing quickly by the thousands - was rogue.
"I had a less intrusive smear test today," wrote one woman. "I feel like she has quickly shoved her vagina in and pulled them up like I have to with the towels to shut the laundry cupboard before it all quickly falls out," wrote another. Then, a hero emerged:
"Hmm, nice clit hammock. Sell anything for women with vaginas?"
Omg it does look like a clit hammock.
And now the clit hammock, in all its hairless, 'what if you accidentally pop a flap' glory, has made its way onto the red carpet.
At the 2019 BRIT Awards, TV personality Montana Brown arrived in a sheer, nude coloured dress, that was entirely see-through from the waist down.
Below her waist, she was wearing a clit hammock.
Which is fine.
It's just that it would've been approximately 8 degrees at the time. Which is cold (on your clit).
THE PART COVERING HER LABIA AREA IS TINY AND I JUST NEED TO STRESS THAT.
HOW CAN ONE WEAR SUCH LITTLE FABRIC YET STILL HIDE ALL SIGNS OF FEMALE GENITALIA. WHAT IS THE TRICK.
But then... well, then there was the back. Because you're not exactly going to have a clit hammock at the front and boy shorts at the back.
She's wearing a g-string on the red carpet and your grooming is impeccable.
Somehow a full-blown wedgie at the back, and a clit hammock at the front, is 'the look' now and I find it personally victimising.
Because, yes, maybe once I tried it.
And maybe it looked like this.
Which wasn't anyone's intention.
So while Montana Brown looks lovely in her clit hammock, please, please can we vow to not let this go mainstream. For my personal wellbeing. But also for my vagina.
You can see exactly what happened when I tried Beginning Boutique's bikini bottoms here:
Images via Getty.
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