Mamamia recaps The Bachelors finale: What the HELL was he thinking?

Well friends, here we are. The last episode of The Bachelors 2023.

Will Thomas choose his soulmate Leah, like I predicted in the very first episode several hundred years ago, or will he choose the well-suited Lauren, in which case I'll have to eat my hat?

Will Jed choose Alesia, who he has always connected with, or will he choose Angela, who we didn't really get to know until pretty much the final few episodes?

Will Felix choose the amazing cat lady Abigail? Or will he be astronomically stupid and choose Jess along with her conscious conversationalist boyfriend Damien?

Let's find out, shall we? Take my hand. Here we go.

We open on Thomas, who has all his clothes on for once - yay, Thomas! He tells us he's ready, and that he's really calm.

Jed, on the other hand, is not at all calm.

HELP.

But as nervous as Jed is, he says that at least his decision is easier to make than Felix's.

We cut to Felix, who tells us he has "never been this unsure in my entire life." So let me get this straight, Felix. In one corner, you have Abigail, who is beautiful, warm, successful, funny, and, you know, SINGLE, and in the other corner, you have Jess, who is beautiful to be sure, but you know, IS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH DAMIEN AND DOES NOT GET YOUR MUM'S TICK OF APPROVAL.

And still. STILL, you can't decide?

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Anyway, as our three Bachelors congregate, proud dad Osher pops up as he is wont to do. He sits down with his sons and asks them questions about their "journey" and so on and so forth, and, Osher, we love you very much, but would you please stop prattling on so that we can get to the good part? We want to know who your sons have picked as their future wives, dammit.

Felix says he's locked in an eternal battle between the head and the heart, and I truly just think he's battling between his head and his... other head. 

For some reason, Leah and Alesia decide to meet outside in the rain to discuss how they're feeling. Then Jess and Abigail decide to do the same. 

I feel like Abigail is going to start a rendition of Singin' in the Rain.

Jess tells Abigail she's now ready to give all her energy to one person, which confuses our dear cat lady because that's entirely different to what "Jessica Navin" said last time they spoke. Remember how Jess said she wanted to continue a sexual relationship with Damien?

Jess tells us that Abigail "misinterpreted" what she'd said. Then she tells Abigail that she had simply been listing options and if ever she felt her "needs were not being met", she would have a chat with Felix.

"That's ridiculous, get a vibrator!" Abigail says, which is HILARIOUS. We're meant to think she says this to Jessica's face, but since the angle doesn't show Abigail saying the actual words, I am guessing she actually said that in her confessional. 

You can do all the tricks, Bach producers, but we aren't stupid, you know.

"Oh Jess, that's so frustrating! That's so frustrating!" Abigail tells Jess. Yes, Abigail, it is indeed very, very frustrating.

"You have changed your story and what you want 500 times," Abigail continues. "You're only looking out for yourself here, you're not thinking about other people's feelings."

The two have a very testy conversation about Jess's decision-making skills or lack thereof, and leave on bad terms. "I have to trust Felix to choose stability with me over chaos with Jessica," Abigail tells us.

Of course, it wouldn't be the Bach finale without our special guest star, so here, once again, is the man of the moment: DAMIEN.

Jess bursts into tears as soon as she sees him; not fake tears, but real, proper, "I can't stop" sobbing. 

Damien tells her the reason he came back is to "let you talk, let you speak, and hold space for you" which is some new-age touchy-feely stuff that makes me cringe. BUT, as this is the last episode, I will listen rather than writing BLAH BLAH BLAH like I usually do.

After a billion years, the conscious conversation is over, and so are Jess and Damien. It is, from the outside at least, an amicable breakup, with Jess telling him she wants to see where things go with Felix and Damien saying he is proud of her.

Then they do that THING:

It's still weird.

Damien goes to stand by himself in the rain with his eyes closed, likely having a conscious conversation with himself. Let's just leave him there, shall we? Goodbye, Damien. We hope to never, ever, ever see you again.

We cut to Thomas, who is telling Lauren she is NOT the one! OMG GUYS, THAT MEANS HE HAS CHOSEN HIS SOULMATE LEAH! Woohoo! I'm really happy. It was obvious these two matched on a deep level.

Thomas tells us his heart is racing at one million miles an hour, which is a very Krystal-like thing to say. Just as an aside, isn't it great they're not doing that weird stepping out of the car thing they used to do? This is so much more natural.

Anyway, Thomas tells Leah how much he loves her and he says some other lovely things that are mushy and sentimental. I'm crying a bit. God, I'm a sap.

Then he gets down on one knee.

SHE SAID YES.

The producer asks them what's one thing they can't wait to do as a couple. "I'm going to say it - have sex!" Thomas exclaims.

Oh Thomas. You were a fabulous Bachelor. You did not bring the drama, but you definitely brought the gravitas. 

Next up we have Jed, who is waiting in a church. Angela comes to see him first, which means he has chosen Alesia!

But first, he has to break the news to Angela. "I've decided we can't move forward," he tells her.

Angela is not expecting it, AT ALL. It's like that episode of The Simpsons where Lisa breaks Ralph's heart.

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An excruciating conversation takes place where Angela expresses her hurt and confusion. I can't watch. The second-hand embarrassment is killing me. Somebody get her some tequila shots, stat!

Angela does not compute.

Alesia comes to the church next, and Jed tells her he has fallen in love with her. And while he knows that she does not want the proposal, he of course asks her to marry him anyway. Of course, Alesia is completely freaked out. Of course, we cut to an ad break.

When we get back, Alesia is still very much freaked out, but Jed talks her around. He knows she can't say yes to the proposal, but he wants her to still be with him and wear the ring (just not on THAT finger). She tells him she wants to be with him too, and then they kiss for a million years, which may not be entirely appropriate in a church but who cares.

MARRY ME!

Jed, we've never had a Bachelor like you. You have been wonderful - warm, funny, goofy, and kind. And you've even brought some drama - in the form of a certain high-heeled villain. I'm sorry for dismissing you as a Machine Gun Kelly wannabe. You're way, WAY better than MGK. Never change.

And here we are, guys, the one we've ALL been waiting for: Who will Felix pick?

We see Jess walking... and then suddenly a producer yells, "Jess! Drone!" And then an assistant comes running with an orange umbrella to whisk Jess away. Apparently the drone belongs to some pesky paps, trying to get the scoop and ruin the big moment for us Felix.

Anyhoo, they shoot the drone down and stomp on it but pretend it just flew away, and the show continues. I think I hear... Abigail's voice? And I think I see... Abigail?

OMG THAT MEANS FELIX HAS CHOSEN JESS!

SOUND THE ALARM, FOLKS, THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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Felix tells Abigail he hasn't found what he's looking for with her. It's sad, but I know she deserves so much more than Felix. Go home to Minnie, Abigail. She's a better catch any day.

Yeah, what the eff ARE you doing, Felix?

Jess comes over to Felix, and he says they've been through so much together and BLAH BLAH BLAH YADDA YADDA YADDA.

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE HE CHOSE JESS. GIVE ME A MOMENT.

....

....

....

OK. I am calm. 

Jess tells Felix she has broken up with Damien. They tell each other they appreciate one another or something like that. Then Felix says, "Kiss me like you're single," which is urgh.

Eating some face.

The three "rejects" - Abigail, Angela, and Lauren - sit in a room somewhere, drowning their sorrows in wine. It's a vibe and I'm here for it.

Felix, thank you for, uh, well. Thank you for...? Oh, I know! Thank you for bringing your mum, the Chief Interrogation Officer, onto the show! We love her.

And that's that. If you've been with me since these recaps began one thousand years ago, thank you so much. It's been a pleasure to watch with you and recap for you. This series has actually been pretty fantastic, all up, I'd say. In spite of YOU KNOW WHO. And Felix being an idiot.

Till next season, friends!

Feature Image: Network 10.

Read previous The Bachelors recaps below.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 11: DAMIEN JUST CROSSED A MASSIVE LINE.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 10: WE'RE ALL SICK OF HEARING ABOUT GODDAMN DAMIEN.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 9: I CAN'T BELIEVE FELIX SENT [REDACTED] HOME.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 8: WE JUST WITNESSED THE MOST AWKWARD MOMENT IN BACHELOR HISTORY.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 7: Um... did Felix and Tilly just have sex in the pool?

Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 6: YOU CAN'T JUST BRING YOUR BOYFRIEND ONTO THE SHOW.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 5: NO. All the drama just walked out the door.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 4: THIS IS THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 3: One woman's secret leads to total carnage.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 2: SOMEBODY NEEDS TO STOP FELIX.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 1: One Bachelor is BRUTALLY rejected on the first date.