We open on Alesia who is wondering why there are FIVE HUNDRED GIRLS on this show.
Obviously, the ability to greatly exaggerate the number of people in any given room is key to getting on the show. Remember that, future contestants.
Osher arrives at the mansion and is treated to the usual measured and sedate greeting from the women. They are perfectly calm and in control of themselves.
IT'S OSHERRRRRR.
OSHERRRRRRRRR.
OSHERRRRRRRRRRRR.
Bella says she is feeling "a little tingle in her tits" from seeing our illustrious host, and she should definitely get that checked out by a doctor.
Osher informs the women that there are indeed three bachelors. We need to pause for a moment here... did you notice he uses his thumb to gesture the number three? Don't you normally use the three middle fingers, rather than using the thumb?
Am I the only one that finds that weird? Yes? OK, moving on.
Even though most of the ladies had already figured out there was more than one bachelor, some were still surprised.
Bless her.
The bachelors finally make their grand entrance, with Thomas almost stacking it near the door. Have I mentioned how much I love this season's willingness to actually add fun and individuality to their bachelors?
Perfection is out, personality is in.
Some of the women start eyeing the bachelors they were not actually matched with; for instance, Yuri, who is matched with Bachelor Felix, is "definitely keen to get to know Jed."
As Osher tells the ladies, "How do I put this? Here on the Gold Coast, it's important to remember - make sure you go on all the rides at the theme park before you find the one you want to stay on all day."
The bachelors then whip out their engagement rings to show just how serious they are about this entire process. Some of the ladies are happy. Some are... less so.
Put that thing away.
And YES, this is the kind of moment I want to see on reality TV. Because these women aren't just mindless creatures who all think the same way. Some of them believe you don't have to be engaged or married to be happy with someone. They just want to be with someone on their terms.
From here, the episode splits into three stories like some sort of Glass Onion shift in perspective.
Jed spends his night talking to the women about his nail polish, drumming, and how it's OK to have your eyes open when kissing (it's not). High-heels Tash is not happy that Jed kissed anyone - eyes open or not - that was not her.
She says it's "game on, b*tches" and then pashes Jed in front of everyone.
God, I love Tash.
Alesia confronts Jed about his apparent kissing of all the ladies on the blind dates, which he assures her he didn't.
He then takes Alesia outside to pash her, because that's how you reassure people.¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Thomas seems to be a genuine soul looking for love and his happily ever after. He pulls Kiki (Kristen) away for a chat because he took his shirt off in front of her and can't stop thinking about her. I did a screengrab just because I love Kiki's dress so much.
Isn't it fabulous?
Leah and Thomas reconnect again, and seriously they should just leave now together. The End.
"I know we're here to find love, but we're here to have fun as well," Felix tells us. "A whole lot of fun."
Ah, Felix. I can tell you're going to bring the most drama out of all the bachelors.
And yep, there he is, kissing Tilly right in front of everyone.
Ella decides she is not here for it (or Felix), and GOOD FOR HER.
After learning Ella has left the mansion, Felix is obviously upset. So upset that he grabs Tilly again for... comfort. Lots and lots of comfort.
Pass the popcorn.
The next day, Osher tells the ladies that only the women who go on group dates are at risk of going home at the rose ceremony. Those who don't go on group dates are safe.
The women are suitably flabbergasted.
Krystal puts it best when she says the new group dates are "one thousand per cent" way more intense.
Over at the Bach Pad, the bachelors getting ready to welcome their chosen ladies for a pool party in their penthouse. Felix prepares by doing some weights in the pool.
"Make this my Tinder profile pic."
When Bella arrives, she makes a beeline for the oyster bar.
"There are three things I love in my life: champagne, d*ck, oysters," she tells us seriously.
I notice she uses her little finger to gesture the number three. What's going on here? Is this some sort of conspiracy? Why do people not use the three middle fingers to indicate the number three?
Am I the only one finding this weird? Yes? OK, moving on.
Thomas says he is trying to be discreet with his feelings, out of respect for all the women.
Felix, on the other hand...
Dear god, Felix.
High-heels Tash pretends she doesn't know how to play pool so that Jed can spend ages teaching her. She then casually mentions she was actually engaged to "another Bachelor" and it didn't work out.
WHAT? WHO? WHAT? WHO?
Somebody find out who she's talking about, stat!
Later that night, the women who went on the group date line up for the rose ceremony while the ones who didn't sit back on the couch to watch the drama unfold.
This part is always so awkward.
"Ladies, as always, you can choose whether or not you will accept a rose," Osher tells them. "But this season, with three bachelors, that doesn't mean you'll immediately leave the mansion... 'cause I'm guessing you may not want one bachelor's rose in the hopes that one of the others will be the one to offer. That is a risk that you'll have to take."
The bachelors come in and give out their roses. Three women whose names I don't really know end up going home.
"It's a game of survivor," high-heels Tash who was once engaged to another Bachelor says. "Bye, Felicia."
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
The Bachelors Australia continues 7.30pm tomorrow and Sunday, on 10 and 10 Play.
Read The Bachelors episode one recap here.
Feature Image: Network 10.
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