Mamamia recaps The Bachelors: One Bachelor is BRUTALLY rejected on the first date.

January 8, 2023

Welcome back to your regular scheduled programming, friends.

Here we are at the beginning of our "journey" together, where we will discover if having three bachelors instead of one will be a tremendous success... or if it will sink into the depths like that heart of the ocean necklace in the Titanic movie.

We open the very first episode of The Bachelors with a montage of previous seasons of The Bachelor. Everyone looks so young and shiny! Look at baby Osher with his very nondescript, non-bouffy hair.

Osher's hair was so de-bouffed in season 1.

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There's the original Bachelor (and the best, in my very humble opinion) Tim Robards with his now-wife Anna Heinrich, there's Blake Garvey (urk) and Sam Frost, Sam Wood and now-wife Snezana Markoski, Richie Strahan and Alex Nation in their infamous chocolate bath, Matty J and now-wife Laura Byrne, Nick Cummins and, er, yeah, moving on, there's Matt Agnew and Chelsie McLeod, Locky Gilbert and now-fiance Irena Srbinovski, and Jimmy Nicholson and now-fiance Holly Kingston.

Then Osher's mellifluous voice says, "Tonight, everything changes."

Well, we bloody hope so, OshKosh B'gosh. The past few seasons have been kind of boring, you know.

Osher welcomes us to the Gold Coast, where filming will now take place. Fare thee well, Sydney. The men will be staying in the "Bach Pad", a stunning penthouse at the top of a glorious, somewhat phallic tower.

The women will be staying at the Bachelor Mansion, which this year is a beautiful open plan house right by the water. Already, things feel fresher and more modern - and that's just the housing.

Hello Osher! You're looking dapper as always. And your hair is perfectly bouff.

Bring on the bachelors! First up, we meet 25-year-old professional drummer and songwriter Jed McIntosh... who has all his clothes on and is not staring wistfully out at the horizon at sunset while recanting how much he wants to find love.

Osher wasn't kidding - everything HAS changed.

When Jed was first revealed as one of the bachelors, most people - me included - were quick to point out that he bore a passing resemblance to musician Machine Gun Kelly, and we made some (probably unkind) assumptions based on that.

This is Jed. He is NOT Machine Gun Kelly.

But that's where the similarity ends because Jed says he is a "farm-boy at heart" and that he grew up with religion being a big part of his life. After being bashed and bullied when he was younger for wearing nail polish and eyeliner, Jed says he would tell his 12-year-old self that people do accept you for who you are, and "there are some girls who actually like you." Aww, Jed.

Next we meet 27-year-old ex-basketballer turned businessman Felix Von Hofe. Like Jed, he has all his clothes on and everything! Felix has very white teeth and tells us that he has always been focused on physical attractiveness and has never been in a proper relationship. Same, Felix, same.

This is Felix. He has very white teeth.

Our last bachelor is Italian stallion, health and wellness guru Thomas Mallucedi. Thomas tells us he used to lead an unhealthy "rockstar" lifestyle - which haven't we all - and is now focused on being the best version of himself.

Then we're treated to a shirtless Thomas and his fabulous pecs. I guess we haven't strayed too far from the formula, eh.

This is Thomas.

This is also Thomas.

It's nighttime now, and the three men synchronise their watches so they can exit in timed perfection out of their individual cars. They could definitely have fit in one car but the budget is bigger this year because, let's be real, renting out a Gold Coast mansion is way cheaper than even a run-down shack in Sydney.

Then they slo-mo down a hallway to meet Osher.

Slo-mo: The only way to walk.

Osher greets the bachelors and gives a ring to each of them... oh my god, is Osher going to propose?! What a plot twist!

Ah, nope, he's just providing them with engagement rings to give to their chosen ones at the end. Osher tells the men they will be going on a number of blind dates and that whoever they connect with, they can give a rose. The catch is they only have 10 roses each to give out. Oooh, this is very different. No more women in ballgowns getting out of limousines and having awkward conversations with the bachelor on a red carpet! Instead, they'll just have awkward blind date conversations!

We meet psychology graduate Catelyn first, who tells us she doesn't look like your typical psychology graduate and it's a "secret talent". I don't know what psychology graduates are supposed to look like, but apparently not this:

Psychology students don't look like this, you know.

I feel that is a slight to psychology graduates everywhere but let's leave the over-analysing to the psychology graduates.

Anyhoo, Jed and Catelyn do some hardcore bantering, and everything is going really, really well, so Jed hands over a coveted rose and says those immortal words, "Catelyn, will you accept this rose?"

"Um, so, it has been lovely getting to know you," she replies. Wait, is she... ? "But unfortunately I'm not going to accept this rose."

OMG, SHE DID.

Thank you, but no thank you.

"I feel a definite friendship and a huge level of comfort between us. But I'm not quite sure that it's romantic," she continues. "I wish the best for you and I hope that you meet someone. I'd love to stay friends and stay in contact."

This is Jed's face:

"Get me out of here."

"Please don't hate me!" Catelyn calls out as Jed leaves.

OK, I'm calling it. The Bachelors is fantastic. The show is definitely not pulling any punches because that was BRUTAL.

"Am I not hot enough or something?"

Felix's first date is with Krystal, who tells us she hopes the bachelor is not your "typical" bachelor and that he is funny with a big d*ck. This is a vibe.

She and Felix do body-painting, because of course.

This might be NSFW.

Thomas's first date is so awkward that I have to run away to the bathroom and when I return it's over, thank god.

His next date involves getting his shirt off - again - so he's much more comfortable, of course.

Thomas, AGAIN?

Jed is feeling really rattled after the absolute car crash that was his first date. Therefore, he blitzes through his next dates with a barista, a woman who hangs around in parks, a pizza maker, a woman who likes mojitos, a woman who gave him wine, a woman wearing a jacket, a woman in a green dress, a woman in red pants...

Meanwhile, Felix can't give away his roses fast enough.

Then Jed meets Jasmine. They do... some sort of tantric yoga together? And FINALLY, Jed gives away a rose.

Sweating all over each other, how romantic.

As the day progresses, the bachelors get more comfortable. Inevitably, kissing happens.

A LOT of kissing.

Kiss kiss.

More kisses.

One of Jed's dates is with Tash, a woman who wears high heels in the park and pushes her pet pooches in a pram. "My standards are like my high-heels. They're high," she tells us.

I can already tell that Tash will be quality entertainment and that she must be protected at all costs.

Protect Tash and her heels.

Thomas and Leah go for a boat ride and we can practically see the cartoon birds flying above their heads. Thomas actually starts crying with emotion. These two will surely end up together at the end, right? Right?

Bets on these two lasting till the end.

Felix's last date is with Abigail, who is a self-confessed cat lady. She brings along her cat, Mini, on the date. As a cat lover and cat lady myself, I approve wholeheartedly and I hope Felix gives her a rose. It's a great date. Alas, Felix does not have any roses left. WTF Felix.

Fortunately, Felix knows someone who DOES have extra roses... Jed. In true bachelor-manship, Jed gives his rose to Felix.

Felix is pretty chuffed.

With all the roses gone, the chosen ladies gather at the Bachelor Mansion. They start to notice that there are A LOT of women.

And still, the women keep coming.

And coming.

Krystal, who you may remember wanted a non-typical bachelor who was funny with a big d*ck, says there's "like a hundred girls in here" and that the producers should "one thousand per cent" get rid of some of the girls.