Goodness.
We open on the most confusing episode of Baywatch that’s ever been made.
Ali’s in a one piece and she’s walking down the beach in slow motion to prove to us just how far she’s come in this season. But she shan’t be saving any drowning tourists and David Hasselhoff is nowhere to be seen. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
PAUSE.
It's single date time and Ali has chosen Todd for the first single date because he's a cute lil' fella and she'd definitely like to lock him in her basement for a bit.
She's concerned because Todd wants to spend nine months in the police academy and she'd like to have approximately 49565676 babies in the next six days.
She says their timelines don't match up and it's very important that your timeline matches with the person you met on a reality TV series six weeks ago.
Ali picks Todd up in a horse-drawn carriage and calls him her "prince charming" and the horses be embarrassed.
They then do some jousting and we all know that's only a thing that exists in the best Australian movie of all time.
They reenact Darryl Kerrigan's favourite sexual fantasy, then Todd breaks the news to Ali that he cannot be a dad by the end of the week.
After a lot of dramatic staring, they seem to come to some kind of compromise where Ali will lock Todd in a basement and make him her baby-making slave, and Todd will learn about police work by trying to escape from said basement to alert the authorities.
Simples.
EVERYONE SSSSSSHHHHH PLS.
Taite is here and we need to look at his face... and also his body.
Ali sees Taite and almost releases Todd from the basement because of Taite's face... and also his body. Her only concern is that Taite doesn't seem to be able to construct full sentences.
For their single date, Ali takes Taite to an obstacle course so she can see him in some very short shorts pls.
After they finish the obstacle course, which mostly consisted of yucky kissing noises, they get into a jacuzzi because short shorts and also no shirt pls.
Ali straight up asks Taite to say some words and put them into sentences... but he cannot.
He once again seems to be confused as to why the blonde lady keeps talking about her feelings all the time while staring at his face.
The crickets in the background are working overtime and they did not sign up for this shit.
Finally, Taite explains that he can't say he's falling in love with someone he met on a reality TV show six weeks ago, when she's still dating two other men.
Taite pls, of course you can, Osher said so.
Ali decides that if Taite can't tell her his feelings, she'll just have to marry him for his face... and also his body.
PAUSE.
We unpack all the drama from Ali's last week on The Bachelorette on our Bach Chat podcast. Post continues after audio.
Bill, or as he's also known "Amy's boyfriend from the dog park", is running in a park like an excited five-year-old who just spotted a duck.
He sees Ali and realises she's not Amy and is slightly confused. But then he remembers he's in the process of recruiting her for his harem.
They get into a stretch limo because Osher needs to use up all his expense funds before the end of the financial year and there's only 1.5 episodes to go.
In the limo, Bill keeps going on about how great it was when Ali met his friends and fails to acknowledge that one of said friends is a girl named Amy who he met at a dog park and is currently dating. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
They go to a house that looks suspiciously like the bachelor mansion, and sit on a couch that looks very familiar, and it becomes immediately clear that Osher blew all the date money on an unnecessary stretch limo.
Bill says he's falling in love with Ali and that she fitted in really well with her future sister-wife Amy.
When Ali asks whether Bill and Amy have ever dated before, he says they haven't dated but they've "been together", which means they've definitely had the sex.
Ali realises that Bill is a bit of a sneaky sneak and that maybe Charlie was right to point at the f*ckin' door all day, ev'ryday for the past few months.
Bill just sits there, thinkin' about what Amy's doing at the dog park. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Oh.
It's rose ceremony time and we all know what's about to friggin' happen.
After some unnecessary dramatic pauses, Ali sends Bill home to... Amy.
They walk outside together and Ali explains that Bill would make a great husband... if he wasn't already married to Amy.
In the limo, Bill says if Amy is an obstacle for Ali then she's probably not the right woman for him.
Somewhere in the distance, Osher sighs. He'd really like to be a sister-wife pls.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
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Catch up on the recaps here:
Episode 1: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: A kiss leaves the men fuming.
Episode 2: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: One man breaks the bro code.
Episode 3: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: A tug-of-war sparks an epic feud between two men.
Episode 4: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: One man brings up “the stairs” and is shown the door.
Episode 5: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: Two men face off in a double date decider.
Episode 6: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: We need to talk about Robert.
Episode 7: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: A favourite is shown the f*ckin' door.
Episode 8: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: "Cut it out". The physical fight that went too far.
Episode 9: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: We need to talk about that date with Taite.
Episode 10: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: One man is finally shown the f*ckin' door.
