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YES, WELL.
After watching a man named WAZZA chuck a tantrum in a chicken suit and another man dressed as a horse’s arse make biting motions towards Angie’s butt, we’re not quite sure what to expect this week.
Hopefully it involves Osher dressing up in a bear costume and rubbing honey on the walls of the mansion while he sings "She wore apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur..."
Oooooh.
Osher's got no time for bullsh*t tonight.
We open on Angie having a beach think.
She's decided to take Jackson on a single date because:
a. He's yet to chuck a tanty in a chicken suit
b. He's never made biting motions towards her butt, and
c. His face, more specifically, his... teeth.
Angie says she wants to establish more of a romantic connection with Jackson so they go on a helicopter ride because Osher is nothing if not predictable.
After Angie vomits over the greater Sydney region, they sit down on a couch and chat about their feelings because OSHER and PREDICTABLE.
Angie gives Jackson a rose. His teeth seem pleased.
PAUSE.
It's group date time.
One man allegedly named "Mitch" doesn't even turn up because he's hurt his ankle and would much rather just watch Judge Judy back at the mansion.
Osher is particularly excited because he's been doing a sneaky sneak.
He explains to the lads that they're going to be participating in a dog show and then he yells "RELEASE THE HOUNDS", chases his own tail for approximately 30 seconds, then wees at Angie's feet.
He's a very good boy indeed.
Four good boys and a bald man named Ryan walk towards them. We like them a lot.
Osher explains to the rest of the guys that Ryan is here not only to be a dog expert but also to join the race for Angie's heart.
He also explains that Angie and Ryan kind of know each other a lil' bit and Timm with two Ms says something incomprehensible to the camera.
The doggos feel slightly used but are prepared to stick around for the treats and also the gossip.
Timm and Tom are up first with Abby. Abby... deserves better.
The rest of the miscellaneous men also embarrass their doggo friends who were promised a pat from Osher and also some drama but then had to... work.
Ciarran wins a dog trophy and gets to spend some alone time with Angie and some very good boys.
He tells Angie that he used to strip in a drag club and that also he had a nose job. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
The rest of the guys and Ryan return to the mansion.
At first Carlin is lil' bit rattled but then he remembers his face... and also his face.
Jamie's chill. He just burns down the mansion, rubs the ashes on his face, and performs an ancient ritual to put a curse on both Ryan and Osher's families for centuries to come.
Sssssssh.
It's cocktail party time.
The boys gather around the campfire and set some grounds rules cause they don't want it to turn into a dog fight, aye.
Everyone seems to be on board except for Jamie because he'd like to do a yell and a storm.
His neck is thick and he has some emotions he'd like to express pls.
Ooooh it's Angie and she has a spontaneous fringe.
She immediately takes Ryan for a chat because dogs and... neck tattoo.
Jamie - and the vein in his forehead - pace around in the background and as soon as Angie becomes free, Jamie swoops in.
When he returns to the rest of the guys, a miscellaneous man in glasses calls him out. Jamie calls him a "smug bastard" which is an interesting choice of comeback but ok.
Angie decides to confront "Mitch" about that time he didn't turn up to the group date and instead watched Judge Judy for 10 hours straight back at the mansion.
"Mitch" says he enjoyed becoming more acquainted with the New York small claims court and if Angie doesn't see him being around at the end she shouldn't give him a rose.
This is confusing for Angie cause she's literally never seen this man before in her life.
PAUSE.
It's rose ceremony time.
Ryan gets the first rose because drama and... gossip.
Carlin gets a rose because of his... face.
Timm with two Ms gets a rose because of his extra M.
Jamie - and the vein in his forehead - get a rose.
In a twist that absolutely everyone saw coming, "Mitch" does not get a rose.
Shit Zac Efron also doesn't get a rose because, well, he's a shit Zac Efron.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
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Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette episode 1: Australia just met the creepiest villain in Bachelorette history.
