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Well, well, well.
If it isn’t every single one of us coming back to see what that Local Councilman Jess gets up to tonight.
We open on the boys discussing the fact that said Jess was the absolute worst last night.
He once again completely overestimates his ability to survive in this show for more than a week while wearing a pretty average plaid shirt.
Timm with two Ms yells a bit about how if he makes it through this episode he won't make it through the next and now we like that man with the unnecessary m even more.
Jess The Local Councilman seems unfazed that the rest of the men in the mansion hate him and that Osher is currently sitting in the corner of the room, sticking pins into a tiny, average-looking plaid-shirt wearing voodoo doll.
PAUSE.
It's time for Angie to meet Carlin (and his face) for their 24 hour date.
BUT FIRST... Jamie needs to whinge about it.
Angie and Carlin go glamping because Oshie spent this week's budget on all the unnecessary fancy dress costumes for the first cocktail party.
After checking out their teepees, Carlin decides it's the perfect time to sit Angie down and tell her that he's... married.
SIR.
WHAT.
WE HAD SO MUCH HOPE FOR YOU AND YOUR FACE.
It's suddenly night and they chat for a little bit and then Angie decides she's fine being one of Carlin's sister wives because of his face and also... his face.
The next morning approximately five minutes after they wake up, a bunch of the other fellas walk up the hill towards them. It turns out Oshie has decided to combine this week's single and group date because BUDGET and COSTUMES and VOODOO DOLLS.
Oooooh. Look out.
It's the most wonderful time of the year. That time of the year when Osher creates a “photoshoot” with the sole aim of getting the mens to stand around in groups b*tchin’ about each other.
We like it a lot.
This year's theme is "animal attraction" which the alpacas at the mansion certainly did not give the okay for.
The first photoshoot involves Matt dressing up as a mermaid king and Timm with two Ms dressing up as lobster and just kind of creepin' in the background.
The next photoshoot is farmyard themed. Some bloke we've literally never seen before allegedly named "WAZZA" is dressed as a chicken.
When Timm with two Ms says "that's not the first time you've had nuts on ya chin, hey Wazza?" Wazza chucks a tanty.
Yep. A grown man in a chicken costume chucks a tanty.
He storms back into the... farmhouse? and asks for the soundy while a goofy looking horse silently judges him.
The rest of the farmyard go on with the photoshoot. Angie milks Carlin while Jamie... stares at her and talks about how playing her husband means "everything to him".
Then the photographer suggests Angie sits on the horse which is made up of some miscellaneous bloke as the head and Jess as the literal horse's arse.
Jess says to Angie "Don't mind me if I get some wandering fingers, alright" and the entire nation CRINGES, THROWS UP IN THEIR MOUTH A LITTLE AND BURNS THEIR OWN HOUSES TO THE GROUND.
Next they line up to take a "family picture" and Jess says "hey, have a look at my view" while crouched down behind Angie.
He then says "beats my last girlfriend" while making biting motions towards Angie.
SIR.
NO.
ANGIE, OSHER AND AUSTRALIA AS A NATION DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.
The last photoshoot involves Jackson and Angie dressing up as penguins and Jess being a dirtbag.
Ssssssshhh.
It's cocktail party time.
WAZZA is wearing a hoodie and WAZZA is telling the guys that WAZZA is leaving because WAZZA has come to realise that WAZZA doesn't want to meet the love of WAZZA'S life while wearing a chicken suit.
Farewell, WAZZA. May you and your back tattoo of your own name have many happy years together.
The boys start discussing the photoshoot and Jess says if he had been Jackson he would have "just grabbed that sweetie and laid one on her".
He then says he's kissed plenty of girls who have turned their heads away and SWEET JESUS we need Osher to come running in to chase him away with the mansion's hose.
Carlin (and his face) sit Angie down and tell her what Jess has been saying about her behind her back. He then tells her that Jess has also been hitting on the female crew members.
Angie calls Jess a "waste of a tank of gas" and never have truer words been spoken.
Some of the guys tell Jess that Angie is going to have a chat to him later and he says "bring it on bitch".
Finally Angie confronts Jess. She says that the one thing she would never allow is a man to come into her life and "f*ck with her sisterhood".
She says if a man can't accept and respect what she's putting down she'd rather be single for the rest of her life.
Dressed in a sad little hoodie, Jess gets in a limo and drives away. He says he's going back to Noosa to find the love of his life in a dingy nightclub.
WHAT A COINCIDENCE.
Every single woman in Noosa and the surrounding area have just spontaneously decided they'd much rather date WAZZA in a chicken suit than go to a nightclub ever again.
Somewhere, in a far off wing of the mansion, Osher is pumping the Lizzo and really feelin' himself.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
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