Rosie Reviews: Episode 2 and already touching special places.

By ROSIE WATERLAND

Oh my. We open with our Bachie on a boat because when important business men who wear important business shirts need to relax they do it with a camera crew on the high seas. Lots of pulling on ropes and gazing at the horizon. Love love just realised my wife could be on this show love love etc. Cliffs/seagulls/clouds.

Cut to Ridge Forrester’s house, and Osher’s hair has arrived to give the girls this week’s first date card. He’s wearing regular, non-suit clothes, and it feels wrong. Out of context. Like seeing a clown in a courtroom. Or a classy person in an ugg-boot store. Put on a suit Osher, I’m frightened.

Osher helpfully explains to the girls that the date card he is holding is the date card. But tonight’s episode was running 60 seconds under time so before he leaves it on the bench he’s going to manufacture some drama about whether it’s a (GASP!) group date, or a (GASP!) single date. The answer will be revealed… By looking at the date card. Which he will leave on the bench… Right now.

Time-filler suspense over, the Canadian girl opens the envelope and reveals that Jessica has scored the first date. Cue much confusion as a bunch of girls realise they are on a dating show: “I’m not comfortable with this/I don’t want him to date another girl/This doesn’t feel right” etc etc etc.

Some girl called Kara starts talking and I swear to glob she wasn’t in the last episode. I miss Drunk Emma.

Bachie arrives at the house to take Jessica on their one-on-one. A big deal is made about how generous he is to pick her up. “Old fashioned values are important to me,” he says. “I didn’t want Jess to be meeting me anywhere, I wanted to go and pick her up.” #LOVE, according to Ralph Wiggum.

Audrey Day-Knight answers the door, and gets another one of those fleeting, ‘5-second encounters’ she’s so fond of. Although they do make it hard for Blake to discover the ‘Day-Knight’ part of Audrey Day-Knight, so keeping things short is probably a smart move.

Jessica can’t even deal with the fact Blake has actually come to pick her up. “I didn’t expect him to come and pick me up at all! It’s so like… gallant,” she says, to one of the 19 other women gallant Blake is gallantly dating.

Oh look! A sweet little package about gushy Jessica reveals that she likes jogging in the park and sitting under trees and drinking coffee while staring out of windows. And gushing.

They finally arrive at the date that Jessica didn’t have to hitchhike to because Blake was generous enough to pick her up. And upon being faced with the ‘Frozen meets Passions’ Winter Wonderland theme, Jessica’s gush spasms to some dangerously high gush levels. She has reached peak gush. She shakes violently, sheds her skin, and is reborn as Gushica.

Gushica and Blake ice skate for a while. Then Blake forgets how to do talking: “Ryan Gosling. I am not. But Crazy Stupid Love. I am up for.”

By some gush-filled miracle, Gushica seems to understand what he meant by the the random words he just said in a row, and she skates into his arms and they fall over.

It’s all a bit “Oh no! We’ve fallen over! And now we’re lying next to each other! Oh and our legs are all tangled! Your special place is now very close to my special place! So many G-rated not-at-all sexual LULZ!”

We know that Gushica is a serious contender for Blake’s heart because it’s made very clear that she never even kisses a guy on the first date because she is a good girl and therefore worthy of Bachelor love. There’s only room for one serial-dater in this relationship, and that had better not be the lady.

Gushica puts on a white ball gown that’s been dipped in swan vomit and Blake puts on a suit and they have a very nice dinner because Gushica is a very nice girl.

Gush gush so romantic gush gush gush.

Blake gives her a rose and she gushes and cries and before she can stop herself she’s breaking her first-date vow of chastity and doing some very inappropriate lip kissing. But it’s okay, because there’s no tongue so it doesn’t count. I have a similar rule; just trade the word ‘tongue’ for ‘penetration’.

Sunrise! Water! Clouds in a blue sky! I think an editor wants us to know it’s a new day.

Lots of squealing from the girls as their prize is once again paraded in front of them. The Bachelor skill on display today is the ability to pull off the ‘relaxed look’, which he demonstrates by wearing a suit without a tie. Lots of impressed clapping ensues.

OH MY GLOB the group date is a fantasy photo shoot with a wedding theme. Osher’s hair explains that only four girls will get to be brides – the rest will have to make do as totally unlovable losers bridesmaids.

He names the brides and bolts before Anita has the chance to rip that glorious hair off his glorious head.

Group date highlights:

Diana claiming that “Today is the day Princess Diana will become a bride.” Shit. Halfway through Episode 2 and she still doesn’t know about that whole situation.

Audrey Day-Knight’s name is called for bride duty and nobody claps. But she doesn’t mind because she used to be a model. Did she mention she used to be a model? She’s got this you guys, she used to be a model. Audrey Day-Knight knows how to be in a photo, because she used to be a model. Model.

Diana describes her ultimate wedding and needs to sit down after having a Disney-themed, Mickey Mouse-squeaking orgasm.

Tiaaaaarnaaaaar has a taaaaantrum about her haaaaaaair.

This moment:

Bitchy looks bitchy looks posing posing bitchy looks posing.

Someone called Shiarnar or Liarnar or Briarnar gets an early rose.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME.

Tonight’s Sparkly Hunger Games is fairly uneventful. Although Audrey Day-Knight does let her sexy mysterious guard down to reveal that she had dinner and that dinner was chicken.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME

Osher’s hair arrives to once again explain the complicated maths:

If you have 27 apples and Sally has 14 tennis balls and each of those cars is travelling at 60 miles per hour, how many telephones did the refrigerator win at the carnival?

Two. Two girls will be going home tonight.

OPRAH HAS ANSWERED MY PRAYERS AGAIN: ANITA STAYS.

Audrey Day-Knight stays and someone actually drops an F-Bomb and it’s glorious.

Tiaaaaaarnaaar and some other girl I’ve never seen before are the losers who get booted. Osher explains to the losers that they are losers and that means they need to get off this show immediately. Because The Bachelor is a show for winners.

And that’s it for another wee –

WAIT. WHAT IS HAPPENING? BONUS POST-ROSE DRAMAAAAAAA.

Chantal gets angry at Audrey Day-Knight for crying about something, because she shouldn’t be crying. She should be happy that she just reached the peak moment in her life by making it through episode two of The Bachelor.

And now a glorious conversation is happening that is making me question everything I know about Miss Day-Knight and her robotic face:

Audrey Day-Knight: Like, I don’t even know the guy. I don’t even care. I don’t know him.

Chantal: But you’ll get to know him.

Audrey Day-Knight: Well maybe then I’ll start to care.

Chantal: I find that hard to stomach a little bit. That comment.

Audrey Day-Knight: Well, he’s dating 20 other women, so it’s not like I’m emotionally invested.

STOP IT. Did someone on The Bachelor just say something sensible and emotionally mature? And was that someone Audrey Day-Knight?

Help me Osher! I’m frightened!

Next week: SEA PLANES!!

Follow @RosieWaterland

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