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Sweet Jesus.
Osher has no time for bullsh*t tonight.
We open on Matt having a topless think.
Unable to decide whether to go with what Big Matt or Little Matt is thinking, Matt defers to his nipples.
They too are conflicted about the big decision that lies ahead of them.
It's hard for them.
Matt's first final date is with Chelsie.
He gets very excited when Chelsie tells him her last name, which seems like something he should already know about someone he's deciding whether to propose to on national telly but ok. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
For shits and gigs, Matt has devised a code that Chelsie has to crack to get to his heart and JESUS CHRIST OSH THIS IS A LOT.
After a lot of unnecessary maths, Chelsie cracks the code and unlocks a literal safe that contains a necklace with the chemical formula for oxytocin on it.
Honestly, I could not make this sh*t up.
They sit on a couch and talk about their feelings and Chelsie tells Matt she's falling in love with him which is nice and all but we've been promised some BEACH HUMPIN' and we want it now pls.
Ooohhhh.
It's beach humpin' time.
Abbie stares out at the water for a long period of time to remind us about all the instances when she's humped Matt in and around bodies of water.
Matt says he likes how Abbie makes him feel and sweetie - we know - she makes you feel good in your special spot.
Matt and Abbie decide to re-enact The Notebook which is a terrible idea because all it does is rain in that movie and then that old lady dies in the end and it's sad for us.
While innocently collecting some shells on the beach, Matt asks Abbie how she feels. She tells him she would very much like to have the sex with him now because she's very horny.
True.
Abbie and Matt continue their theme of making out/humping/conceiving a bachelor baby in and around bodies of water.
They then get on a super yacht because it's almost the end of the season and Osher has some leftover budget to spend.
Abbies does a weird whisper and tells Matt "I think I'm in love". She may also have said "I think I'm a dove" or "a wink and an oven glove".
She then says "it feels like it's just you and me" yes sweetie it is just the two of you... plus Matt's two other girlfriends... and Osher... and Rachael's plan b... and possibly Emma hiding in the bushes somewhere. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
PAUSE.
It's time for Helena's date.
Matt decides to drive Helena in an English car to an Argentina-themed lunch.
Once they arrived Matt decides to remind Helena about that time she dumped him on national telly before taking him back and then dumping him again.
It was a weird time for all of us.
Helena tells Matt that she was testing him which makes him mad because precisely only him and his good mate Osher are allowed to put people through a series of challenges and silly games to decide whether they're worth proposing to on national telly.
This is a disgrace to Osher and that time he made the women dress up as brides and chop each other's bouquets up.
At the end of the date Matt is unclear whether Helena wants to be with him or whether she'd just like to have a nap pls.
Mamamia recaps The Bachelor finale. Post continues after podcast.
SSSSSSSSSSHHHH.
It's rose ceremony time.
Osher walks in, does a little count, has a whisper and leaves.
Matt gives his first rose to Abbie. That be a win for Little Matt.
It's then down to Chelsie and Helena.
In a twist absolutely everyone saw coming - including Helena - Matt gives his final rose to Chelsie.
Helena yawns and gets into the limo.
Pretty sure she made the driver hit up the Macca's drivethru on the way home. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
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