Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 1: "It's showtime, b*tches." The bride who divides the mansion.

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Sshhhhh pls.

It’s Bach time.

Channel Ten is very sorry about that time they promised us a happy ending and then gave us a small member of the weasel family who talked about roosters a lot and chose precisely no one. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

When Mamamia met The Bachelor. Post continues after video. 

To make it up to us they’ve found us a guy who wears glasses so we know straight off the bat that he’s:

a) smart; and

b) won’t break Osher’s heart.

After approximately 52 minutes of Matt running along a beach shirtless/looking out at the ocean wistfully/wondering why he's still single/making space puns, we finally get to the good bit.

OSHIE.

HE HAS A FANCY NEW BOWTIE AND HE'S VERY EXCITED PLS.

He's done several nervous poos and now he just wants to get to know his new best friend with the glasses so he can show him all the fun games he's made up.

But first, the womens.

Here are the MVPs.

Abbie. Gemini. Doesn't quite understand what an astrophysicist is.

Kristen. Once lived in China. Really likes... Chinese things. Bought the bachelor a 'box'... from China.

Nichole with a H.

Is looking for someone to do "fun shit" with.

Speaks about Nichole in the third person.

Vakoo. A model who likes to BYO her own red carpet ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ .

Emma. Stage Five Clinger. Has already planned the wedding. May lock Matt in her basement.

Rachael. Applied to be Jessika Power on the next season of MAFS and is now very confused as to why Osher's best friend won't marry her.

After not asking Matt any questions - or even learning his name - Jessika Power Rachael walks over and stands on the verandah of the bachie mansion and stares at him... in her wedding dress.

It's at this point that Matt decides to talk to Tonia, the bridesmaid that she brought along.

Rachael doesn't.. like it.

PAUSE.

It's cocktail party time.

Rachael says "It's showtime bitches" and walks into the room in her wedding dress. The other women conclude that it's a "bit much" and then one... burps. Cool.

Knowing that she only has a short amount of time to cement herself as this year's villain, Rachael tells the other contestants she thinks Matt isn't "hot".

Emma disagrees. She says he has "lovely hair" as she strokes a lock of it that she clipped earlier when he wasn't looking.

Osher arrives and the women react... appropriately.

via GIPHY

Once the screaming dies down, Osher tells them he's very excited because he has a Golden Ticket pls.

He explains that the Golden Ticket is the ticket to Matt's hometown of Melbourne and we're pretty sure it's for a tour of a chocolate factory but ok.

The women seem genuinely surprised that they might get to spend some time with the man they came on a reality TV show to marry and they say "Golden Ticket" a lot for the next five minutes which is fun.

Catch up on the latest from the 2019 Bachie Mansion on our Mamamia Recaps Podcast... post continues below

Matt takes Emma for the first chat. She then talks about it for the next five hours while stroking a lock of his hair and counting his toe nail clippings.

The women gather together to try to figure out what an "astrophysicist" is and it's very confusing for them until one of them explains "he counts stars". They all seem satisfied with that answer. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

via GIPHY

EXCUSE US.

It's time for some manufactured drama.

Vakoo gets out her red carpet and Rachael - in her wedding dress - says "Some women will do anything to get camera time" and sweetie... pls.

While Vakoo's still doin' a model, Nichole with a H decides to do a steal of the bachelor.

She takes him for a chat and then yells at him for precisely no reason telling him this isn't "the f*cking bachelorette". She talks to him about "fire signs" and asks him whether he'd like to "live on the Goldie" and Matt looks like he'd very much like Osher to rescue him and gently hold him while he whispers sweet nothings in his ear.

Kristen then remembers that time she lived in China and she needs to tell everyone about it... immediately.

Elly, a nurse from Parkes, gets the Golden Ticket because:

a) She's not wearing a wedding dress.

b) She's never been to China.

c) She probably won't taser him and lock him in her basement.

d) She comes from a town with a famous telescope and we must constantly be reminded that Matt is an astrophysicist.

IT'S TIME FOR THE ROSE CEREMONY and goodness Matt only has 17 roses however will he decide?

Emma gets a rose because ratings and Rachael gets a rose because of her face.

Two random women we've never laid eyes on get sent home and we feel... satisfied.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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