Rosie Reviews: Ew. A girl just got booted off The Bachelor for not being maternal enough.

By ROSIE WATERLAND

Well, this is the third episode in a row we haven’t opened on Bachie doing an every day thing minus his shirt. I was really looking forward to some contemplative working out/beach gazing/basketballing/getting ready for a business day because he is a business man shots. Perhaps the reign of topless Bachie is over. Or maybe he crushed Osher inside one of his biceps and is now having him surgically removed, one chocolately brown hair at a time. Oh, the mystery of what goes on behind the scenes.

Once again, we open on the ladies just casually sitting around casually being casual at Ridge Forrester’s house. It’s important we know that there are only ten girls left, so the girls spend some time congratulating themselves on being the last ten girls left. And you know what? They deserve it. They are dating a man who has narrowed them down from 24 to 10 by forcing them to compete in mechanical bull contests and sequinned fights to the death. On national television. Pats on the back all round.

OH MY GLOB AUDREY DAY-KNIGHT GOT THE SINGLE DATE THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST EPISODE EVAAAA.

Planes. Airport. Sky. Brown leather bomber jacket. Bachie awkwardly reading some flying-related puns off a cue card about wanting to get to know Audrey Day Knight.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a sky-diving date.

Oh glob. These two are actually the two most awkward small-talkers in the whole competition. This is amazing.

Me. Excited.

But. You. Scared?

Yes. Scared. Heights.

Me. Not.

Let’s. Go. Now. Plane.

They go up in the plane. Bachie is scared. Audrey Day-Knight isn’t scared. That is literally the whole date. Until this. THIS OH MY GLOBBITY GLOB THIS:

I think we can all agree that it wouldn’t matter if the show ended at this moment.

But wait!

Audrey Day-Knight officially gives zero fucks about the fact she is currently skydiving. Starts fixing hair:

I love her. I love her so much.

They land. Lots of hugging/Can’t believe we did that/You were so brave!/No you were!/This must be love! etc etc etc. Based on this one activity, both are now certain they have the solid foundation it takes to spend a life together. Even when the balls go wrinkly and the vagina goes grey.

The skydiving prophesied their love.

Bachie takes Audrey Day-Knight to his Bachelor Pad so they can calm down after their love jump. I feel like it may be Osher’s house because from the outside it looks like a tiny Hobbit cottage. I’m surprised Bachie doesn’t have to bend over to make it through the door.

Bachie shakes cocktails. Audrey freshens up. He gives her a rose. They kiss. No sign of Osher. Although nobody checked between the couch cushions so maybe we just didn’t see him.

Audrey Day-Knight returns to Ridge Forrester’s house victorious, but traumatised from having had nature touch her face. She cries as she tells the girls of her horrific ordeal involving strange things called ‘wind’ and ‘rain’. Her hair tie came loose you guys. HER GOD DAMN HAIR TIE. Poor Bogan Robot. The other girls don’t understand what she’s been through. THEY DON’T KNOW HER PAIN. They weren’t there, man. They weren’t there.

Group date time!

Today’s group date is at a preschool, because all little boys and girls need to see six women competing for one man while surrounded by the smell of face paint and desperation.

Just a few questions:

1) What kind of massive pay-out/obscure tax rebate was promised to these guys?

2) What exactly did the parents think they were agreeing to when they signed a permission slip that said “Strange muscly man who sounds like Richard Mercer will be bringing his six girlfriends to play with your kids tomorrow”?

3) Is this play-date part of a larger unit of study on the benefits of polygamy?

The girls walk in to see Bachie surrounded by adoring children, begging him for rides on his Osher-crushing biceps. Like a muscly Jesus:

Ovaries spontaneously combust all-round.

So it turns out this date is purely a way for Bachie to determine which girls have the sprightly womb powers that he deems sufficient for marriage. Womb adequacy is measured by the amount of crap the girls allow the kids to do to them.

Gushica commits to the system early by allowing her entire body to be spewed on with face paint. Alana refuses to let any paint touch her face, and is thus verified as a monster who obviously feeds on the souls of babies. Her time is clearly running out.

Meanwhile, not sure if anyone is watching this kid:

During story time, Sam gets confused and talks about the time she dropped acid and debated philosophy with trolls. Canadian Killer Horse Girl, playing the role of Troll Queen #1, casts a ‘disappearing spell’ on Gushica. Bachie doesn’t understand why the girls he is forcing to compete for his love are competing for his love. He just wants everyone to get along and play nicely.

“Is that too much to ask?”

YES IT’S FUCKING IS TOO MUCH TO ASK. These women are locked in a house at your discretion, and are only allowed out on day-release to partake in humiliating contests that will determine the legitimacy of their love for you. GIVE THEM A FUCKING BREAK AND LET THEM BE BITCHES.

Rose ceremony time!

Blake arrives sans tie. Shirt unbuttoned. Much squealing ensues.

Chantal is doing that thing again where she gets annoyed if someone doesn’t say they’re in love. You’ve each spent 20 minutes with the guy, sweetie. None of you are in love.

There are lots of shots of Alana talking about how much she wants to stay, which means she’s definitely going. Plus, she wouldn’t let the kids wrestle her to the ground in a puddle of face paint, so she is clearly damaged goods with a malfunctioning womb. Un-marriageable.

Bachie agrees. Alana goes. Should have let the kids spew paint on your face, Alana.

Osher tells Alana she is the loser and Alana is taken away in the loser car for losers. Bye Alana.

And… That’s it. Wait, what? That’s IT? No post-rose ceremony drama? No tantrum from Canadian Killer Horse Girl? No Chantal narrating the action while Osher cries in his trailer?

This episode felt a bit… Nothing. I wish I had more to offer you. I feel bad. Here, take a look at this again and please accept my apologies:

Tomorrow night: NEW GIRLS INFILTRATE THE HOUSE. And Bachie Wiggum hosts a cooking/cleaning contest. With sequins.

Follow @RosieWaterland

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