Rosie Reviews: Where has Osher gone?

By ROSIE WATERLAND

For the second night in a row, we open on the girls casually hanging around the house just casually being totally casual. It doesn’t feel right. How are we supposed to know if Bachie is taking this seriously unless we see him contemplating life while playing some kind of sport without his shirt on? I simply don’t believe he’s thinking seriously about love unless I see his salt-water drenched muscles glistening in the afternoon sun.

The girls are helpfully bringing us up to speed on what this show is, by mentioning that this is a competition called The Bachelor and they are all competing for the love of someone called The Bachelor.

This is boring. I’m sure Osher will come in soon with the date ca –

HOLD UP. Why has Chantal come in with the date card? Why is she doing hosting duties instead of casually hanging out on the couch being casual pretending the cameras aren’t there with the rest of the girls?

Osher, dude, you’ve got one job.

I’m scared. Could they not find him? Has he had some kind of freak hair-dying accident? Did Channel Ten’s love-related wordplay send him into a shame spiral he couldn’t climb out of?

Someone asks Chantal where she found the date card.

“Um…” she replies, nervously. “In a… Secret location.”

Secret location? LIKE A BOWL OF OSHER’S TEARS?

Alright. I guess we can give her a chance…

Chantal narrates that she is about the read the date card.

She reads the date card.

Chantal narrates that there is some bad news on the date card.

She read out the bad news on the date card.

THIS IS NOT THE SAME! Come back Osher! We know you didn’t want to say that thing about the ‘road to love’! We don’t blame you! It’s just not the same with Chantal doing your job. Her hair has too much natural movement.

Tonight’s date is an elimination date – which means two girls go in, but only one girl comes out. It’s like the Thunderdome. With heels. And the two girls competing for the Bachie’s love are…

The identical curly-haired ones. Finally. Someone at Channel Ten has realised that none of us can tell the difference. One of them needs to go.

The date is at the Chinese Garden of Friendship – the perfect backdrop for an epic curly-haired fight to the death.

Bachie greets them both, and that’s when it becomes abundantly clear that he has no idea which of them is which. Within thirty seconds he’s forced each of them to change into different coloured traditional Chinese dresses because:

A) ‘Culture’

and

B) this way the producers can make sure Bachie knows there are actually two different women on this date.

They sit down to dinner, and Blake keeps turning his head suspiciously from side to side. He knows one of these things is not like the other, but he can’t quite solve the puzzle. He’s confused. Kind of like a puppy seeing its reflection for the first time. So, she’s in a red dress… But wait… How did she change so quickly into the blue dress? And if you’re sitting there in a blue dress, how did you get over to that side of the table and into a red dress so quickly?

Oh glob. Bachie is malfunctioning. Blinking is getting slower and slower. His brain is shutting down in defeat.

WHERE THE FUCK IS OSHER WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

Bachie takes Blue Dress for a walk. He thanks her for the drawing she did of him, but doesn’t tell her that he hiked deep into the Amazon jungle to have it burned by a tribal medicine man, before climbing Mount Doom and dropping the ashes into the fires of Mordor.

He then takes Red Dress for a walk, and is about to thank her for the drawing as well, but the producers distract him with something shiny.

He boots Blue Dress. Red Dress gets the rose. Also gets a name – it’s Zoe.

Bachie then adorns Zoe with a special bracelet so that he can always tell her apart from any other blonde curly-haired women they might come across. Also secretly marks her with a texta while she’s not looking, just to be safe.

GROUP DATE TIME.

Osher’s Back! Osher’s back!

He looks good. Refreshed. Maybe he just had dye-poisoning. Whatever it was, don’t ever leave us alone with Chantal again, okay?

Um, so… Someone at Channel Ten must have stuffed up this season’s budget, because today’s date is actually just a bunch of towels laid out next to a pool in someone’s backyard. Osher, the pro that he is, makes it as convincingly exciting as possible:

“Its a… Pool Party!”

Nailed it, Osh. Now get some rest – I don’t want any more absences next week.

Bachie takes his shirt off and all the girls squeal because dignity is dead.

Diana gets an extended chat while sitting in a blow-up swan. This unexpected one-on-one time means she is definitely going home. She tells Bachie about all the Disneylands she’s been to. He almost breaks the news about her Princess namesake, but it’s been about 6 months since Diana fed on the blood of Micky Mouse, so Bachie decides her weak spirit can’t take any bad news.

Lots of splashing/fun in the sun/squeal squeal/Osher’s tears/squeal.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME

Bachie has a one-on-one with Kara. Most interesting thing about her is that she thinks 12pm is at night. Bachie thinks she may be the smartest person he’s ever met.

Anita somehow manages to get Bachie alone. She’s convinced they’re developing a love connection, but Bachie just looks sad. It’s like his little sister’s best friend is begging him to take her to the prom.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME

Osher is wearing a suit which means we’re about to hear some maths.

If 24 girls fight over one man, and the white rose was such a let-down that we’ve never spoken of it again, how many tears did I cry last night while watching old VHS tapes of the first season of Australian Idol?

Two. Two girls are going home. Purple monkey dishwasher.

NOOOOOOOOO! Oprah has betrayed me and my desperate prayers! ANITA GOES. WHY OPRAH WHY? Oh, so does Diana. In my dreams, the two of them will move to an off-brand Disneyland called Gisnepworld, where they will live out their days sharing a cardboard cutout of Bachie wearing Mickey Morse ears.

Next week: STOP. IT. NEW GIRLS COME INTO THE HOUSE. Canadian Killer Horse girl cannot even deal. Tantrums ensue.

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