The Twins recap The Bachelor: The silence that killed our dreams.

September 19, 2018

To keep up to date with The Honey Badger, AKA Nick Cummins, and all the best Bachelor 2018 news, cast and roses, check out our Bachelor hub. It’s a blast.

We begin with an enthusiastic knock on the frame of an open door, and SHHHH it’s Osher pls. Not only does he have a date card, but he also has a very important line that he’s been rehearsing for the last 15 minutes.

“This date card may hold the key to your future,” Osher tells the women, and we highly doubt it but okay.

After a great deal of unnecessary suspense, the date goes to Cass, and no human being has ever been as happy as she is in this very moment.

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The other women tell Cass to go get ready - but guys, she's ready.

In all seriousness she turns up to the date wearing exactly what she was wearing in the mansion so she was entirely prepared to go on a date with Nick today.

He picks her up from the middle of nowhere in an American-style school bus, which is both creepy and 100 per cent unrelated to the day's activities.

At one point, Nick throws Cass over his shoulder to put her on the bus and pause. This is a scene that's going to get someone thrown in prison, and for once, it's not going to be Osher, who has been quite well-behaved lately when it comes to his dangerous games.

Oh.

So Nick and Cass' date is at Wet and Wild and we need to talk about it.

As kids, water parks were very fun. But the moment you become an adult, you realise they're just pools of smelly water filled with other people's urine. And also occasionally pubic hair, and band aids.

Spending the day at Wet and Wild Sydney is not the romantic, exclusive, priceless date anyone had in mind when they signed up for The Bachelor.

But Cass didn't sign up for The Bachelor. Well, maybe she did, but she can't remember that now. What's important is that she's here with Nick and they're about to get in a harness and be dropped from 75 metres in the air for no reason.

It turns out they're both terrified of heights, which begs the question, WHY ARE YOU CURRENTLY DOING AN ACTIVITY NEITHER OF YOU HAVE ANY DESIRE TO DO.

Both of them are bothering the people who work on the ride too much with their concerns about heights, and we honestly wouldn't blame anyone at this point for tampering with important equipment.

"Just listen to my f*cking instructions and then maybe you won't f*cking die."

When they get to the top, Nick pranks Cass into thinking his ripcord, which is meant to release them, is broken. But nothing is funny when you're stuck in the air. Nothing. "I felt like we were going to die!" Cass laughs. "Like we were going to freefall to our death!"

Haha - classic.

Meanwhile, Nick's language is super inappropriate for primetime viewing. When he freefalls, he audibly yells, "stick it up your arse you arsehole!" which is a strange phrase to have in one's repertoire... at all.

Nick and Cass then go on the water rides, and Nick would like all the children watching at home with their mums to know it's "a bit chilly on my willy". Cool.

We unpack the funniest moments from the Honey Badger’s latest week in the mansion on our Bach Chat podcast. Post continues after audio.

Concerns we would have during a date at a waterpark include:

boob/s popping out
rogue pubes
a sneaky labia reveal

But Cass is very classy and isn't afflicted by any of these issues.

After their frankly ridiculous theme park date, Nick and Cass sit on a couch in the middle of nowhere, which is randomly surrounded by ankle-deep water. Someone needs to tell Osher there's been a spill, but everyone knows how sensitive he can be when it comes to feedback about his dates.

Their conversation mostly consists of Cass asking Nick if he has feelings for her, and then him laughing in her face and talking about something completely unrelated. Towards the end of their chat, Nick affectionately tells Cass, "You wouldn't hurt a fly," and it occurs to Cass that she should probably take down all those dead flies that look like Nick from her bedroom wall.

IT'S GROUP DATE TIME and immediately there's a problem.

All eight women are meant to be participating in an obstacle course, wearing a 15kg backpack to represent their 'emotional baggage', but no one thought about the issue of Jamie-Lee and her moon boot.

We don't want to point fingers, but it was definitely Osher's responsibility to flag with the lady running the obstacle course that one woman was tackled in a non-contact game a few weeks ago, and sustained a serious injury.

Instead, Jamie-Lee just has to... sit out. Alone. With a horse.

The obstacle course is unnecessarily degrading, and yes, Brooke almost drowns for no reason.

At one stage the woman running the course tries to impart wisdom about how important it is for Nick to ask for help when he needs it, even if he finds it emasculating, and it's almost as though this show thinks it has any chance of meaningfully dismantling gender norms??????

Mr Badger ultimately chooses to spend some alone time with Dasha, and that's when... that's when it happens.

You see, we love Dasha. She's weird. She's rarely in attendance during group dates, which makes us think she has better things to do, and she doesn't appear to be nervous at all in front of Nick/cameras/etc.

But as Nick and Dasha are making small talk about the day, with Dasha being her very direct and confident self, we notice some silence. Silence is fine. Sometimes silence is romantic.

Except this silence isn't that. This silence is horrible and we want to die.

NO ONE'S SPEAKING.

NICK FOR GOD'S SAKE ASK DASHA ABOUT HER SON LEON. IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER THAN YOU CAN'T PRONOUNCE LEON CORRECTLY. JUST ASK.

DASHA. ASK NICK IF HE'S THINKING ABOUT GETTING A HAIR CUT.

ANYTHING.

PLEASE GOD WON'T SOMEBODY SPEAK.

They're both making awkward facial expressions, and there's an occasional 'hmmm', and WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

But we know exactly what's happened. It's the language barrier. Dasha no longer understands one word of what Nick says, and she's not about to learn how to speak Badger right now. She's busy.