Shall I tell you about my near-death experience with a saltwater crocodile?
It was the year 2000 BC (Before Children) and Jim and I took a scuba diving holiday in the Solomon Islands. It was heaven.
Except for one day.
The skipper took us to a small island, split by a wedge-shaped crevasse – imagine a jagged sliver missing from a cake. The idea of the dive is you swim along the bottom of the crevasse, then ascend into a lagoon surrounded by rainforest alive with lorikeets; much like the island in Barbie, Island Princess.
Jim is a more experienced diver than me, so he led the way. There wasn’t much room; if I stretched my arms, I could touch the rock on either side. We were in about 10 metres of water – not deep in diving terms and I was enjoying myself – we were a day and a half from any town and a million miles from home.
When we reached the lagoon, Jim stopped, and being the cautious type, looked up before he ascended. Directly above us was a three metre saltwater crocodile, sunning himself on the surface. Apparently our bubbles bounced off its belly. I can’t say for sure; I never saw it. Before I had a chance to look up, Jim was telling me, in underwater sign language, to turn around and get the f*ck out of there. Naturally, I was annoyed – I’d swum all this way and I wanted to see the lorikeets. Jim didn’t want to tell me there was a croc above my head (international diving signal for a crocodile is a chomping motion made with both arms moving in scissors fashion) because he rightly assumed I would panic.