'I was in denial about my marriage breakdown. There was a telltale sign I shouldn't have ignored.'

As told to Ann DeGrey

Lily* and I became best friends almost ten years ago, after meeting at our sons' soccer match and we clicked right away. We had both "survived" the advertising industry, so we had a lot in common aside from our kids.

But it didn't take long for me to realise that behind her smile, Lily was struggling. She was in an abusive marriage, something I only began to understand properly after a couple of years of knowing her.

About five years ago, I tried to help her leave. I staged a kind of intervention with a few close friends. We sat her down and told her she had options, that she didn't have to stay. It took a long time for her to finally walk away. When she did, it was messy and she had to take out an AVO against her ex husband. At one stage, she had nowhere to go, so I invited her to stay with us for a while.

My husband Aaron* was fine with her moving in and said she could stay for as long as she needed. I was very proud of him for being so understanding. We'd been married for 14 years, and although things weren't as exciting as they used to be, he was the man I thought I'd grow old with.

At first, having Lily around felt like old times. We cooked dinners together, helped each other with school runs, and stayed up late talking. But after three months, I started to notice that she was becoming very attached to Aaron.

I'd catch her gazing at him, laughing at his dad jokes, cooking special meals she knew he liked. She also started dressing a bit nicer around the house and wearing makeup, which she wouldn't normally do. I'd walk into the kitchen and they'd stop talking. Once, I found them watching TV together in the dark after I'd gone to bed.

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I told myself I was being paranoid. Lily would never cross that line; she knew how much my marriage meant to me. And Aaron just wasn't that kind of man.

Then something happened that I couldn't ignore. I suggested to Aaron that we get away for a weekend, just the two of us. It had been ages since we'd had quality time, so I was hoping it might help us reconnect. But instead of getting excited, he looked quite uneasy.

He said, "I just don't feel right leaving Lily behind." When I asked him what he meant, he said, "It feels wrong to just run off and have fun while she's here on her own. Maybe she could come too?"

I was really shocked — that was the moment the truth hit me. Not only were they spending more time together than I realised, but he was thinking about her when I was trying to focus on us.

Later that night, I told Lily it was time she moved out. I didn't go into detail; I just said I needed some space, and I thought it would be best for everyone. She didn't argue. She moved in with another friend a few days later, and we haven't spoken since. Then, when I told Aaron I'd noticed how close he and Lily had become, I asked him if there was something I needed to know.

He looked me in the eye and said, "I think I want to end our relationship."

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He told me he hadn't technically cheated with Lily, but he admitted that being around her made him realise how disconnected we'd become. He said she made him feel "seen" in a way that he hadn't had from me in a long time. He also said that he doesn't love me the way he should anymore.

It was brutal because there was no emotion behind his words. He wasn't being dramatic, he was just stating what he saw as facts. It was devastating for me. I didn't cry in front of him. I waited until he left the room. Then I sat on the couch by myself and sobbed.

He moved out a few weeks later and we're as amicable as we can be. As far as I know, he is not seeing Lily, but it is very clear to me that my best friend became the trigger for the end of my marriage.

Was it already broken before she arrived? Maybe. But she was the spark that lit the match.

Looking back on my marriage, I realise that I had neglected Aaron for a long time while I focused on the kids. If I ever have another relationship – and that's the last thing on my mind right now! — at least I will know how important it is to nurture the romantic connection before it disappears. As for Lily, she never forgave me for asking her to move out, so I'm just living with the fact that I'm ghosted.

Feature Image: Getty.

*Names have been changed.

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