OK, no.
There’s a situation about which we must all be alerted.
It’s Tammy Hembrow. She’s in Bali, and she’s shared an Instagram photo of herself sitting beside a pool wearing a bikini that… isn’t a bikini at all.
Of course, I know what you’re thinking.
But that's not the point (also she's a model with like 10 million Instagram followers).
The point is... this.
It's her alleged swimming costume.
From the back, it appears to be less of a bikini and more a single shred of nylon that goes up her butt.
Watch: What happened when I tried Beginning Boutique's viral bikini bottoms. Post continues after video.
The design is such that the straps are transparent plastic, so it looks like Hembrow is entirely naked. Except for the bum strap. Which weirdly looks like a pair of scissors when you zoom in.
It seems like a lot for an average afternoon in Seminyak. Where there might be children about.
Because I'm a real journalist, and can do some investigationing etc, I did some research, and discovered two things:
1. Hembrow owns more than one of the these 'naked' bikinis. It raises the question: why do you need several of a thing that is actually invisible?
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Forever a lil ocean baby ????????♀️ @ohpolly @ohpollyswim
A post shared by ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Tammy ???? (@tammyhembrow) on
2. These nude bikinis are an actual trend.
Essentially, they feature tiny bits of material that cover your vagina and boobs, held together only with untrustworthy plastic.
Look.
I don't know when this started, and who decided it was okay, but these bikini bottoms are surely trolling us and the collective flaps of women all over the world are protesting in unison.
But what's particularly strange about the naked bikini trend is this: everyone seems fine with it.
When I saw Tammy Hembrow's photo, I set myself up on the lounge with some snacks and assumed I'd have a fun hour or so going through the comments and laughing. Surely, women would be giving a detailed commentary of what would happen if they attempted to wear the naked bikini. Rogue labias. Exposed vaginas. Travelling flaps.
But no.
All the comments are... serious.
People are either in the camp of "booty goals and everything goals," or "girl, what are you doing, you have kids" – both of which are objectifying, and neither of which are particularly... funny.
When a friend of mine tagged me in the photo to say she was ordering me the bikini (as a joke... I think), a stranger even RESPONDED, asking where she could buy it.
Ma'am, I take issue with your question.
Another woman tagged her friend in a comment and wrote, "might buy this," which her friend liked, and excuse me stranger but that person is not your friend.
Of course, Hembrow does look good in the bikini, even if it's nearly entirely invisible. But that's because, like Kim Kardashian, she belongs to the 0.0000001 per cent of the population whose body simply defies any laws of gravity and/or science and/or being human.
Which is fine.
But it's worth acknowledging that for most of us, this style of bikini would explicitly display labia and a significant proportion of breast and that's not entirely appropriate when going for a leisurely swim.
Having a look around a few fashion websites, I made another awkward discovery:
This bikini is genuinely popular. People are buying it. They're demanding different colours.
HOW CAN IT BE SO POPULAR WHEN IT IGNORES THE FUNDAMENTAL REALITY OF FEMALE GENITALIA.
Feeling like perhaps I've just lost touch of 'the fashion these days,' I asked a few women what they thought of this... contraption.
Ahem:
"It's like an eye mask but for your vagina."
"What if you get sunburnt on your... labia?"
"It's like a curtain... and the doors are your flaps."
I'm done.
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