No.
It’s Tammy Hembrow.
She has a new bikini, and like a five-year-old who just got their hands on a pair of those runners that light up when you walk, she’d like to show her fans:
There’s just a few small, insignificant little problems:
– public nudity is illegal
– the RRP of $189 is too much money for what appears to be literally a piece of string
– no one (including Tammy Hembrow) actually looks like Tammy Hembrow
The ‘splendour’ suit makes the recent trend of invisible bikini bottoms look like goddamn board shorts, and it’s terrifying for me but mostly my flaps.
What’s particularly strange about the image and the response to it, however, is that not that many of the comments are making jokes about it.
A majority of the comments are… serious. There’s fire emojis. Love heart eyes. Phrases like ‘yesss need’ and ‘perfection’ and ‘gym goals’.
Watch: Just another problematic swimsuit. Post continues after video.
One woman tagged a friend and wrote ‘this is what we’ll look like after maternity leave’ and WHAT.
Others responded that they were ‘excited’ and ‘can’t wait’ for the swimsuit to drop next week and does that mean you’re going to buy it?????? Because you shouldn’t, okay???
There’s just so many questions to be asked about a pair of swimmers so small they can hardly be seen from the back. So – given the lack of conversation, here are 31 questions I have about Tammy Hembrow’s latest… contraption, presented without question marks, because they do not require answers.
1. Does this seriously count as full-piece swimwear, given it doesn’t cover the vagina
2. You have no body hair. Comment.
3. What if you need to fart
4. Does it break the string
5. What about when the waves come. What then
6. What
7. Is
8. The
9. Purpose
10. Of
11. This
12. Does this count as soft core porn y/n
13. What about your genitals
14. What difference does the colour make when you can’t see it
15. Do you need a sarong
16. How do you know whether it fits
17. Is anyone seriously going to buy this swimsuit
18. If so, do you want to buy it from me
19. I'll sell you a piece of string for $100
20. I'll even throw in a complimentary ball of wool
21. Na but seriously where do you buy it from
22. Some place called the Minimale Animale, allegedly
23. Omg they also sell this
24. Can I have it
25. Please. For no reason except that it made me lol
26. OK back to the swimmers
27. What's the point in the straps
28. What if you have your period
29. How do you know which string is which
30. Does everyone realise the manufacturer behind these is having a field day
31. The markup is literally 3000%
I believe with every ounce of my being that Tammy Hembrow is trolling us all with swimwear that is not, by any definition, actually swimwear.
And somehow, she and a clothing company are making unthinkable amounts of money from it.
