'My husband hid a terrible secret from me. I only found out what it was after he died.'

Content warning: This story includes descriptions of domestic violence that may be distressing to some readers.

When Susan Francis, who appears on this weeks' episode of SBS's Insight, first started dating Wayne, there was an immediate connection.

It felt easy — like the pair were able to slot into one another's lives. They were both living in regional NSW when they met in 2012. Both in their 50s, Susan had a son from a previous relationship. Wayne told Susan that prior to their relationship, he had only had one or two long-term partners. She understandably took this at face value and from there, they only grew closer. 

In 2014, feeling ready to take the plunge, the couple married. 

"I felt like he really had my back. He cared for me like no one else had and that made me feel like I could trust him, which coming from previous experiences of domestic violence, gave me a lot of courage," Susan said to Mamamia. 

Only three years later, Susan discovered the life Wayne had lived before meeting her was completely different to the story he had spun. And the truth has left her reeling ever since.

Watch: Women and violence, the hidden numbers. Post continues below.

In June 2015, Wayne died suddenly while he and Susan were in Portugal. It was incredibly traumatising for Susan. 

"I came into the bedroom and saw his face was the most terrible colour, like purple. He was having a heart attack. I madly tried to translate with people outside the apartment and eventually confirmed an ambulance was coming. But it was too late," Susan said to Mamamia. 

In the midst of grieving her husband, coping with the shock and dealing with the logistical nightmare of a family member dying in a foreign country, Susan received an odd phone call.

It was from a distant relative of Wayne's, and on the phone the man sounded "quite drunk". But it was what he was saying that started to make Susan's stomach churn a little.

"My son had flown to Portugal to be there for me which was really nice. We were in the apartment still trying to compute what had happened and the phone rang. It was three days after Wayne had died. The conversation unravelled really strangely," Susan said.

"It felt like an interrogation once this man introduced himself and who he was. He kept saying 'why did you marry Wayne? Didn't you know what Wayne had done? Didn't Wayne tell you the truth?' He was only speaking in riddles. He said I obviously didn't know my husband very well, and it left me confused and feeling like I had to justify our relationship."

With so much already going on, Susan pushed that phone call to the back of her mind, while she grieved the loss of her husband. Over the coming months, she'd be confronted with the memory of the call, but it was so hard to believe Wayne had ever done anything terrible or been a 'bad guy', she didn't pursue it further. 

Then, in 2017 she discovered the truth. And her entire world crumbled. 

"It was almost two years to the day after Wayne's death that my mother-in-law came to visit me. We were standing in the lounge room and that phone conversation had been weighing on me. So I asked her if she knew what it all meant. She immediately burst into tears," Susan recounted.

It was at this point Susan was told her husband had murdered his first wife. 

"My mother-in-law was really distressed and told me the story — Wayne had spent time in Papua New Guinea and had been accused of murdering his first wife 1979. He was found guilty of manslaughter as the judge at the time had been unable to determine if it was premeditated or not. He spent three years in prison.

"My face was frozen when I heard it. My mother-in-law had to lie down in the bed afterwards due to the emotional state she was in. I went in my car, drove around the corner, parked, sat and tried to process everything with my best friend on the phone."

Susan and her late husband Wayne. Image: Supplied.

For weeks, it was all Susan could talk about with her loved ones. How could this be true? Who had Wayne really been? She did a mountain of research as well and found the court documents about the case, going through it with family members who happened to be ex cops and ex prosecutors. 

The evidence from police showed that Wayne had pushed his first wife down the stairs. One police officer testified in the case to say that he saw Wayne stomp on his wife's head while she lay at the bottom. His defence was that she had fallen. 

"What I read made me want to throw up," Susan said. "The stomping bit was so violent, so intentional. It left me with so many unanswered questions for Wayne. And it felt like a second death — discovering the man I had been with for so long wasn't who I thought he was."

The revelation made Susan look back on her own marriage to Wayne. He had never been violent towards her, and it had been a perfectly good relationship. But there were small things... and she thinks about them a lot now. 

"I never knew he had been in a de facto relationship, which in Papua New Guinea, was called a common-law wife. He'd never told me he had been married before. He never told me about her.

"The last four weeks before his death were the only time he had been a little aggressive towards me. Some say that men can show signs of hostility before they have a heart attack. He once told me that he had a bad temper, I just never knew what he was likely referring to," Susan said. 

Now, around eight years on from learning about her husband's past, Susan says the emotions have changed over the years. Initially there was shock, confusion. Then grief and sadness. Currently, all Susan feels is anger. 

"I struggle to look at the photographs of us together. It just makes me feel angry. I see a man who was too ashamed to tell me the truth. And I can also see the violence that was below the surface. It's a really strange feeling of resentment," Susan explained.

She doesn't feel like her memories have been spoiled though. There were genuinely good times. But it's made her reflect deeply on the issue of intimate partner violence as well. 

"I'd experienced domestic violence before. I always thought of it as physical, but more recently I've come to realise that what Wayne did to me was wrong. By not telling me about what he did [to his first wife], that admission took away my right and my agency to make an informed decision about my future. That was taken away.

"Now I have to live with this for the rest of my life. I don't even have an opportunity to ask him about any of this because he's dead. It's hideous."

But despite it all, there hasn't been one second where Susan has wished she didn't know the full truth.

Although it hurt, it was for the best that she knew. And her loved ones feel the same, helping one another process the revelation.

Susan said writing her book, The Love That Remains, a memoir, was a cathartic process.

Today, there are plenty of things that give Susan joy. She has a great support network around her, loves her teaching job and enjoys travelling. 

"I believe the past is an introduction to the future. The past is who we are just as much as who we are now - you can't discount the past or lie. Healing isn't linear and I'm still dealing with everything," Susan said. 

"I really do believe that he loved me. And I really loved him. But the feelings have changed now. The anger remains."

Listen: Susan Francis shares her story with Mia Freedman on No Filter...

Susan Francis appears on this week's episode of SBS’s Insight on Discovering A Hidden Past, available to stream now on SBS On Demand.

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service.

Feature Image: Supplied.