Australian gays rejoice! "Study" finds lettuce and rural life can make you straight.

There I was, twiddling my gay thumbs in gay peace, when a story about some new research came into my news feed.

It seems a woman named Rita Strakosha has self-published a ‘study‘ that links poor diet, poor sleep and city living to homosexuality.

Strakosha believes a few chicky nuggies, a long nap and a refurbished terrace can make anyone gay.

My first thought was to call Margaret Court and warn her. I reached for my phone but my hand cramped under the weight of my imaginary wedding ring.

Down but not defeated, I continued reading.

The 'study' begins by linking high calorie foods to those pesky gay Romans.

“Access to a high calorie diet and alcoholic drinks was limited to the social elite circles in the past. Homosexuality as well appears to have been more frequent among that group," she writes.

Food + booze + money = gay?

Even though I was very excited to learn I was secretly rich, I kept reading. Strakosha was just getting to the good parts.

Strakosha was about to hit me with some FACTS.

FACT 1:

Strakosha says there has been an increase in people who identify as homosexual.

True: however, the rise of people who identify as queer might be more to do with how coming out no longer carries a death sentence.

FACT 2:

Strakosha says a lot of modern people have a poor diet.

True: the average diet has been affected by how cheaply companies can produce poor quality food en masse. Many families resort to purchasing this food because it is cheap and easily accessible.

True facts. Cannot dispute.

Unfortunately, Strakosha's piss-poor reasoning hits a wall when she suggests the cure to homosexuality lies in: naps under 30 minutes, a raw food diet and moving to the countryside.

"In Australia, according to the Second Australian Study of Health and Relationships, homosexuality is related to living in a big city," the author writes.

Has she not seen Brokeback Mountain?

If the countryside can make cowboys gay then what hope do the rest of us have?

Her second "cure" is to eat raw food as it will allegedly maintain gender differences.

I should at this point explain how the author believes all lesbians are some kind of race of she-hulks and all gay men have the feminine grace of Parisian ballerinas.

Obviously she's never paid for a Netflix subscription, trained at the Kings Cross Fitness First or opened her eyes.

Want the truth about a homosexual lifestyle? Listen to the heartwarming story of how two dads brought their son into the world.

Her final cure was to sleep better by going to bed at sundown and avoiding naps over 30 minutes.

"In general one should sleep until satiety and preferably go to sleep near sunset," she writes.

I'm not even sure where to begin with this one. I'm not sure if her 'study' is a paid advertisement for the Amish lifestyle or if she's simply confusing gays and lesbians for vampires.

Anyway, I better go now. It's nearly sundown and I'm still 13 celery sticks away from heterosexual glory.