'I asked Steve Biddulph what we need to teach boys to become good men. There are only two things.'

The Netflix series Adolescence was the conversation starter nobody asked for, but we desperately needed.

It's opened our eyes to how much we need to ensure the boys we are raising today grow up to be good men of the future.

As any mum of boys will know, we worry about the men they'll become. Will they be kind, respectful, trustworthy and emotionally intelligent? Will they know how to navigate a world that's simultaneously asking them to be vulnerable yet strong? And how can we help them? 

On a recent episode of This Glorious Mess, world-renowned parenting expert Steve Biddulph shared his insights on challenging traditional notions of masculinity.

As the bestselling author of The New Manhood and Raising Boys, Biddulph brings decades of experience to what is needed to raise emotionally healthy boys.

When we asked him directly "What do you think makes a good man?", his answer was surprisingly simple.

Watch: Steve Biddulph on This Glorious Mess. Post continues below.

There are only two traits that truly matter.

"I used to get together with 200 mums in a room, mums of boys. And so right at the start, I'd say 'I want you to design the perfect man and call out to me'," Biddulph explained.

"They'd start saying things like 'kind' and 'gentle' and 'sense of humour' and 'caring', and then someone will call out 'reliable', 'trustworthy'. And this thing happens in the room where suddenly the mood changes, because the woman who called out 'reliable', I see her face across the room, and it's got some worry lines on it, and you're thinking, she's saying reliable, because... she's experienced the opposite of that."

It's a moment that hits close to home for many women. We know exactly what we want our boys to be because we've experienced what we don't want.

"And so out comes these words, 'trustworthy', 'honest', 'enduring'. And there are about 50 things on the board now, but they're in two columns," he continued.

"And sure enough, 'loving' and 'kind' is on one side and, on the other side, is 'trustworthy', 'strong'. And it comes down to there are really only two things that make a good man: heart and backbone."

Heart and backbone. So simple, yet so profound.

The balancing act. 

According to Biddulph, heart represents kindness and empathy, while backbone means showing up when you say you will.

"Very often in men of the past, you would get one, but not the other. So some of the women listening could remember dads or even husbands who were a lot of fun, you know, pretty generous and caring, really out there, but just absolutely not reliable."

"And some people who absolutely had a terrible marriage, but the men stuck around and still stayed with it, did what they were supposed to, but they were just so boring and so cold and distant and locked shut down."

How to build both heart and backbone in our sons.

Biddulph outlines three crucial stages of boyhood development where parents can help instil these qualities:

Ages 0-6: The foundation of heart.

"From zero to six, the little boy years, boys are in their mum's domain. Dads can definitely be around, but they are kind of like light entertainment, compared with mums," Biddulph explains.

"Little boys are learning to have heart and to feel, to love life and to love the world, and they get that from their mums, usually, not always, but usually."

Ages 6-14: Building the backbone.

 "At the age of six, there's a thing that happens in boys. It's like they suddenly notice that they're male. They're holding on to mum's hand. They still really want mum, but they're looking at dad, or they're looking at their uncle or their granddad or whoever it is," says Biddulph.

"At six, you are like God to your son. He thinks you are amazing. And so, if you want him to have your values and have the qualities that you want him to have, be around and hang out."

This is where modern parenting often falls short. "We went so badly wrong in the modern world, because we sent everyone off to work. In an agricultural society, a hunter-gatherer society, boys were around men all day, every day, so it was different. They were soaking in how to be a man."

Ages 14-25: Expanding the circle.

The teenage years bring new challenges. "At 14, what happens is, they don't even want to talk to their dad either. A 14-year-old boy will argue with a road sign. They have this very important and natural thing to explode out into the world," he said.

This is when boys need more than just their parents.

"From 14, no dad can be all that his boy needs. What you have to do is you want to have a really broad palette of masculinity around him," Biddulph said.

"If dads and sons go away with other dads and their sons on a camping trip, what you'll find is your boy ends up talking to one of the other dads for hours about model airplanes or fishing, and it's starting to cross-fertilise."

Listen to the full interview with Steve Biddulph. Post continues below.

The mask problem.

When boys don't have proper guidance through these stages, they resort to wearing masks to navigate manhood.

"What's happened in the past with a teenage boy is he hasn't had those stages, so he's getting to 13 or 14, and he can feel manhood coming at him like a train... But he doesn't have the software. He hasn't had a chance to download 'how to be a man'," Biddulph explains.

"So what he does is he thinks, I gotta act fast, and he looks around for a good mask to slap on to carry him through."

One particularly dangerous mask Biddulph identifies is "the fun guy" – especially common in Australia. "The fun guy just makes people laugh. And what might come as a shock is that it's the mask that is highest at risk of suicide. Because nobody has the slightest idea what's really going on, because he was always 'such a fun guy'."

Teaching vulnerability is teaching strength.

So how do we help our sons develop both heart and backbone authentically? Biddulph believes it starts with honesty.

"The best step is to start talking about this stuff and to unpack it and say to your sons, 'Okay, everyone wears masks when they're scared or when they don't know what to do. But what will really work for you, is to be you'."

We need to help them understand that true connection comes from authenticity, not performance. "Being able to say you're nervous, to be able to say you're feeling sad about something, is a real open-heartedness. That's how we connect, is with our hearts. Brene Brown said, 'Nothing good ever happens without vulnerability.'"

As parents, we can model this by being authentic ourselves. "Invest in parenthood, spend a lot of time with your kids, and get over the nervousness around your children, and hang out with them a lot and find your way with that. And show them how to be comfortable in their own skin by being comfortable in your own."

You can find Steve Biddulph's books here and join his Facebook community here.

Feature Image: Getty Images.