'I'm tired of fighting the "evil stepmum" stereotype.'

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Kris Byrnes remembers the moment she realised the difference between parenting her biological daughter and her stepdaughters. It wasn't dramatic or obvious. It was in the smallest of gestures.

"My daughter has done this since she was a baby. We call it 'tootsie toes' where she pushes her feet between my thighs at night where it's warm," she told Mamamia.

"Sometimes her toenails scratch, and it stings, but I embrace it because it won't last forever."

Her stepdaughters, however, never did tootsie toes.

"There was always a subtle disconnect in the early years," she said. "I'd see their little faces change mid-cuddle, as if they worried it was 'too close'."

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"No one ever said, 'She's not your mum, but she loves you, let her in.' So I walked on eggshells, quietly building trust through other ways. Back tickles, late-night chats on the shower floor."

This invisible line that Byrnes navigated is familiar to countless stepmums across Australia, who find themselves battling not just the complexities of blended family dynamics, but centuries of cultural conditioning that positions them as the villain in their own family story.

The roots of an ancient stereotype.

The evil stepmother archetype has deep roots in global folklore and fairy tales, dating as far back as ancient Rome, where figures like Livia Drusilla were cast as manipulative and power-hungry, laying the groundwork for the trope.

The trope resonated with real-life experiences at the time — high maternal mortality left many children with stepparents — making these stories both cautionary and relatable.

Pop culture remains saturated with iconic evil step mums from Cinderella, Snow White, and Hansel and Gretel.

And in modern movies, like Meredith Blake from The Parent Trap, who is portrayed as a gold-digging stepmother-wannabe eager to send the twins away to boarding school.

For Byrnes, now a mindset and step-parenting expert, these cultural narratives created real barriers in her own family.

"When I became a step-mother, I knew I was one of the lucky ones. My stepdaughters welcomed me with open arms from the very beginning," she said.

"There were no slammed doors or icy silences, but that didn't mean the path was free from challenges.

"The invisible line showed up in micro moments: the uncertainty of how far I could lean in during family holidays, or questioning my place in decisions about boundaries and routines."

The weight of second-guessing.

The difference between biological and step-parenting, Byrnes discovered, wasn't just emotional — it was practical.

"Parenting my own children felt instinctual. I never questioned if I had the right to step in, guide them, or set the rules," she said.

"With my stepdaughters, I second-guessed myself constantly. Was I overstepping? Was it even my place to say something? The boundaries were more delicate, the role less defined, and I had to learn patience in ways I never had to with my biological children."

This constant self-doubt is compounded by a narrative that suggests stepmother love is somehow lesser. "Over the years, I've heard it: 'It's not the same as loving your own.' As if love by choice is less," she said.

"I want to flip that script—love by choice is deeper, more layered, and earned through trust and safety."

For many of Byrnes' clients, the challenges run deeper. "For so many of my clients, the line is much thicker. They are up against biological mums who, often unconsciously, use their children as armour," she said.

"Language slips out like, 'Well, that's nice your dad can afford that,' or, 'Lucky you've got such a good life over there.' What these words really deliver to a child is shame and guilt."

"They create the sense that loving both parents or enjoying life with their stepmum is a betrayal."

Breaking generational patterns.

Byrnes' understanding of these dynamics comes from personal experience. "I know the long-term cost of this because I lived it. I grew up in a divorced home where my own father's words about my mum left invisible scars," she said.

"The criticism, the digs, the emotional distance, they taught me early that words can fracture trust and shape the way a child relates to both parents. It is why I take the 'evil step mum' stereotype so seriously.

"It isn't just a joke or a Disney trope. It is an insidious story that seeps into real families, creating disconnect before a relationship even has a chance to grow."

Despite the challenges and stereotypes, Byrnes found that connection was possible through patience and consistency.

"Over time, I built my relationship with my stepdaughters through small, consistent moments," she said.

"Road trips where we sang too loud in the car, little traditions we created together, and the shared laughter that came from just being in each other's lives.

"Those were the turning points when the role shifted from 'dad's partner' to something deeper, something safe and steady they could trust.

"That is why I have made it my mission to rewrite the narrative. To show that step-parenting, when approached with love and self-awareness, can be one of the most healing and expansive roles a woman ever takes on.

Her approach focuses on practical strategies that acknowledge the unique challenges of step-parenting while building genuine connection.

Expert tips for step-parents.

Mind your energy first. Children pick up on everything. Regulating yourself before you respond creates a sense of safety and stability.

Don't force the bond. Connection doesn't have to look like cuddles or "instant family." Build it slowly through shared moments such as meals, laughter, and inside jokes.

Respect the language. Words matter. What is said in front of children by you, your partner, or the ex leaves a long-term imprint. Choose language that empowers, not divides.

Drop the stereotype. Refuse to play into the "evil stepmum" story. Every time you show up with compassion, boundaries, and consistency, you dismantle it.

For Byrnes, the work of rewriting the stepmother narrative isn't just about individual families—it's about changing a cultural story that has persisted for far too long.

One tootsie toe, one road trip song, one patient conversation at a time.

Image: c/o Walt Disney Pictures / Supplied.

Kris Byrnes is a Personal Development Coach and Master NLP Practitioner. She helps women uncover blind spots, clear limiting beliefs, and take ownership of their lives. You can hear her as the host of the Inside Out with Kris podcast.