How I went from loving to LOATHING star charts

Have you given a star chart a whirl?

Like many parents I have. And there was a time, until very recently, where I loved them. In fact, I wouldn’t hear a bad word about star charts because with one of our children they were wildly effective.

The idea of getting a sticker on the fridge was glorious enough to motivate our eldest child – as a a 2 and 3 year old – to do anything. To use good manners. To eat her vegetables. To go to bed without a fuss. To get dressed easily. To put her toys away. To brush her teeth. It was magic.

Honestly there wasn’t a skerrick of wayward behaviour we couldn’t hone with a star chart. Plus, the promise of a puzzle or a book upon the chart’s completion provided terrific enjoyment along the way. It was a win win for parents and child alike.

With our second daughter, I had a sense – call it parental intuition – that a star chart might have less sway. They are very different kids and I wasn’t convinced a sticker would lure Miss 3 to do – or not do – anything.

But recently she expressed, with some enthusiasm, an interest in having a star chart on the fridge. Her older sister was delighted when I gave it a green light and immediately set to work . After weaving some crafty magic (and by ‘magic’ I mean we drew a few lines on two pieces of coloured cardboard), we picked up some stickers from the newsagent.  It was all boding well, I thought to myself.

She was very excited about all aspects of the exercise and responded happily when we discussed what stars would be awarded for. At her suggestion, we decided that a fuss-free bedtime (or ‘Me no fuss, at bedtime Mummy’ as she said) would be the star winning objective for Miss 3.

We spent the afternoon discussing it and what can I say? I let hope in. I started to believe that this might be a seamless and effective way to deter certain unwelcome behaviour at bedtime.

Like refusing to have her teeth brushed. Or demanding that whichever parent is charged with her bedtime, as generally discussed ahead of time, be swapped for the other. Or requesting water bottles/toys/tissues/icepacks/anything to get a parent back into her room. Or refusing to get out of her sister’s bed. Or protesting loudly well after we’d said goodnight.

Perhaps all of this would be a thing of the past with a few shimmering star stickers, I thought to myself as I listened to our two girls chat over dinner. They were discussing the stars they might be awarded; our eldest for putting plates away and helping to tidy up after dinner and the youngest for bidding us good night without any theatrics.

My dreams were dashed at bedtime.

I sensed there was an outburst of some sort brewing as Miss 3 picked her stories and in a bid to avert it, I asked what colour star she might like to choose in the morning for the good behaviour I was willing her to adopt.

She responded quickly: “Me no want a star, ME WANT A LOLLY!!!”

It got ugly from there and plenty of the behaviour we were seeking to deter was on display in quite epic proportions.

It worsened in the morning when our 5 year old was able to place a star on her chart, because she had behaved accordingly. One member of the household then spent all of breakfast expressing her extreme anger at the injustice of it all.

And that my friends is how I came to see the shortcomings in a star chart. For some kids they’re wonderful, but for others they don’t touch the surface.

Have you got any success stories with star charts? Or any epic fails like me?