The three questions that will tell you if you're ready for divorce.

"How do I know if it's truly over?"

It was a question posed by a listener on Mamamia's MID podcast.

She and her partner had been together for six years. It was her first same-sex relationship after years of being single, "or in mismatched situationships with men."

"I adore her and I feel like we've been so happy, but over the past year she's become distant and difficult," the listener continued.

"For the past few months, she's been saying she's not sure if this is what she wants long term — that she loves me, but she wants to spend some time apart to see if we should stay together."

Her partner had moved out, but still called her every day.

"My family and friends are all telling me that it's over, that she must be seeing someone else. She says she isn't, and I want to believe her. I feel like I should know better, but also completely on the back foot.

"Oh man, how do you know if it's truly over?"

Watch: How to support someone going through a separation or divorce. Post continues after video.

If you've ever stared down the barrel of a divorce, you've probably had the same thought: How do you know when to fight for it … and when to walk away?

According to divorce lawyer Cassandra Kalpaxis, who's helped hundreds of women navigate separation, there are three questions that can give you real clarity: before, during, and after divorce.

Here, we have broken things down into three phases.

Phase one: Before the conversation.

The first question: Am I staying for the right reasons?

"In my experience, some of the most common wrong reasons people stay in marriages are: for the children; for the right time; hoping for a change; hoping that the other person will wake up and be a different person; hoping that with enough pleading that they will change; thinking they can't leave because they need more access to financial resources; and feeling like they can't function without the other person," Kalpaxis said.

The next step is working out whether what you're going through is just a rough patch, or if the relationship has really run its course.

"A rough patch is difficult, but if both parties are committed to improvement, jointly and separately, they will do the work, and they will be empathetic," Kalpaxis continued.

"A marriage that is over is often met without any action for change, blame, resentment and being stuck in the past."

Your toolkit for before:

• Money goggles on: Get access to the financial documents. Know where your money is. Speak with the accountant. Figure out your borrowing capacity.

• Conversation prep: Think about the words you'd actually use. A script like "I feel ignored and my needs aren't being met" is a lot more effective than "You never listen and you don't care."

• Safety check: If things are high-conflict, Kalpaxis said to "always speak with a lawyer. Understand what high conflict means. How does your partner deal with stress. What safety measures need to be put in place? Who are the safe people? Are there any important documents you need access to? Are there considerations that need to be put in place for what happens when you leave, or the children are re-housed?"

You should break things down into three phases. Image: Getty.

Phase two: During separation.

The second question: How do I have "the conversation?"

Kalpaxis' answer: "If it's safe to do so, with empathy. Honesty and vulnerability. Using language that is not accusatory or inflammatory. Being safe enough to say that they are feeling ignored, and their needs are not being met. Sometimes using a third party mediator or counsellor can help."

Your toolkit for during:

• Logistics squad: If needed, utilise a mediator, a psychologist, a counsellor. Add a financial advisor and accountant, and make sure they actually talk to each other.

• Emotional survival kit: Lean on your friends who'll pour the wine, the therapist who'll hold you together, and your sister who'll text "you've got this" when you're sitting in the lawyer's waiting room.

Listen to 'I want a divorce but I can't afford it.' Post continues below.

Phase three: After divorce.

The last question: How do I rebuild when I feel like I've just been dismantled?

According to Kalpaxis, this phase is where the emotions hit hardest. "Feelings of hopelessness. Anxiety for the future. Feeling disconnected. Feeling like they are second guessing themselves."

Her advice? "Get access to a psychologist and work with them. Get some great support through friends and family. Prioritise self-care. Make sure you are connected to nature and pour into your own cup."

Your toolkit for after:

• Support systems: Mediator, counsellor, psychologist, therapist for kids, financial advisor, accountant (yes, you still need them).

• Healing kit: Nature walks. A journal. Yoga. Screaming into a pillow. Whatever fills your cup back up.

"Staying in a marriage or a relationship where you are unfulfilled and your needs are not being met is a waste of your precious life," said Kalpaxis.

"More often than not, the women I see have been doing it all on their own for many years. Taking the step to live a life where you are celebrated, loved and desired sets an example for your children about the relationships that they should be pursuing for themselves."

Feature Image: Getty