Dear men, we need to talk about your need for 'spontaneous sex'.

This article was written by Karen Brody

If I had a dollar for every time a client told me he wanted more spontaneous sex, I could use it to build a monument.

Hands down, spontaneous sex is the most common desire of men that I coach.

They dream about it. They wax on about it. If only they could take their woman in the kitchen, in the backyard, or on the washing machine…

The sad thing is it rarely happens in these ways.

I get that you want to feel that you can be turned on and act on that turn on, without having to reign yourself in every time you have a sexual impulse.

It’s like wanting a piece of pie when it’s piping hot out of the oven and you’re salivating. You don’t want it three days later, when your spouse decides to eat pie. You want pie, and you want to eat that pie, now, while it’s hot and while you’re hungry.

While it makes good sense that a man should be able to be sexually spontaneous and act on his desires while he’s got fire, there are a couple of problems with this working out well – if he’s in love with a woman.

One is the woman herself.

It’s not that women don’t like sex or that we never want spontaneous sex.

Occasionally being taken, fast, after a steamy day at the beach, following an erotic film, or when you’re on vacation– feels good.

But many women tend to think that spontaneous sex is overrated.

Which comes to reason #2.

Great sex, the sex women remember fondly, is often more of an event.

It was planned and delivered well.

Why is this so important to a woman? Well, in some ways we’re control freaks. We like to be clean, shaved and dressed in a way that makes us feel hot. For that, we need notice.

We like the space to feel just right too – soft lighting, candles, warmth and good music.

Taking us over the stove definitely appears hot (in our heads) and many of us want to be oh-so-comfortable with our pants pooling around our knees –bent over that cold, aluminium appliance – but the reality is it looks better than it feels.

(If the flame isn't burning as brightly as it once did... you're not alone. Post continues after audio.)

For many women, it takes longer than men to become aroused and spontaneous sex tends to be fast or rushed.

If you want great sex with a woman, plan for it and get good at planning.

Get over this idea that if it’s not spontaneous, it’s not sexy. Get her accustomed to anticipating being with you, and having really satisfying sex that she is ready for.

Your making plans is a turn on because it says that you’re confident. You don’t have to grab and run. You can build tension and desire, and you can wait. It also says that you want to make it special, and especially good –and that you respect that great sex (for her) takes time.

Then… when and if you decide to take her spontaneously (as you should now and then) she’ll be more open and generally more turned on to you – because the sex you’re having (that is planned and well-orchestrated) has left a lingering good feeling in her body and mind.

Couples who have the least sex are in the spontaneous camp.

They have the least sex because –if they’re a heterosexual couple –the woman gives a lot of push back against being taken wherever and whenever, and the man ultimately stops pushing.

That’s bad for your sexual business!

You can smartly get ahead of the declining sexual curve most long-term couples experience, by planning sex and making it creative, exciting and unforgettable.

This article was written by Karen Brody and originally appeared on The Good Men Project.

For more from the Good Men Project:

• 11 reasons online dating is frustrating after 40.
• Is resentment ruining your marriage?
• Seven things I wish I'd known about men before I married one.