Modern-day social etiquette you should live and die by.

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Etiquette is something I put on a pedestal.

And I put it on a pedestal for a lot of reasons. At the most superficial, I don't want to gross people out, nor do I enjoy being grossed out. But at the most human level, if you want to navigate this world and leave behind good impressions on the people you interact with, the bare minimum you can do is not be rude.

Watch: There are certain social etiquette rules we all need to agree on this holiday season. Post continues after video.

For the most part, this isn't what you'd find in Kate Spade's book of etiquette or Emily Post's Etiquette — which has come up a lot lately in conversations with friends, especially her rule around asparagus and when it can and cannot be considered a finger food.

Here, we do include some of the basics, and this list goes from the standards of nice manners to progressively more strange and niche, soooo with that… here we go!

Learn how to use a fork and knife.

The top one you would eat with fork and knife because sauce, the bottom you could eat with finger because no sauce. Image: Substack.

The reason we have silverware is so we don't have to use our fingers. At no point in your meal should you use your fingers except for acceptable finger foods; asparagus without sauce, bread, bacon, french fries.

Chew with your mouth closed.

You can wait the few moments to chew your food, before responding to something. No one that you're eating with, needs to see the food in your mouth.

Always pour someone else's water or wine before your own.

Wow look at how impressive it is that I poured all of these wines for people that aren't for myself! Image: Substack.

No explanation needed.

Don't lick your fingers.

That smack of your lips as you're licking your fingers. I'm going to be ill just thinking about it.

If you know the name of a bird or plant while walking outside with friends, share it with the group.

If you were to see this out in the wild, it would be polite to tell your friends that it's a white Old English Game Bantam. Image: Substack.

I suppose if you keep it to yourself, no one will know any different, but it is a really nice thing to know and to share.

Imagine walking down the street and a friend tells you about the migratory patterns of an American Goldfinch as you see it perched up in a tree.

When someone tells a story, ask a follow-up question before telling your own.

A part of etiquette is kind of feigning interest. If someone tells you a story they are clearly passionate about, it is kind and thoughtful to ask a follow-up question to show that you listened.

If you're telling a story and then someone else starts telling their story, don't look at your phone.

I can't believe this is one we (aka me) have to write about.

The amount of times I'm in a conversation and a friend pulls out their phone once they've said their thing is mind-boggling. If you do that, you are signalling that what others have to say, is not as important as what you have to say — WHAT BAD MANNERS YOU HAVE.

Offer to help old people walk up the stairs or across the street.

They have so much to say when they take you up on the offer, and you get to feel the touch of someone with folded satiny skin when they grab your arm.

FYI. I am not including helping people with strollers up and down stairs, or getting up to give your seat to people.

Leave tips for people at hotels.

There is nothing that makes me feel more like Oprah (you get a tip! You get a tip!), than taking out local currency and, on the last day of a trip, individually tipping all the people that made a stay memorable and special. Maybe this is altruism with ulterior motives but it's still net good.

One of my favourite rules from Emily Post: you must never say "pleased to meet you" — the correct response is simply, "how do you do?". Image: Substack.

Leave tips for Uber drivers.

We tip cab drivers — I'd like to think we tip Uber drivers in the same ways because they are out here hustling too.

Have your things charged before you go into public spaces.

There's something so annoying about having to ask a host or waiter to charge your phone and then asking for it back. Or worse, asking 15 minutes into charging it, if you can grab your phone so you can check it, then giving it back to them to keep charging.

Understand the difference between nice questions and nosy questions.

The rudest question is, "what do you do for work?" — you're either the most boring person in the world or sizing someone up.

To be a better conversationalist, understand the intentions behind getting to know someone. If it's based on your insecurity or need to assess others, it's rude and tacky.

If it's based on wanting to learn more about the people or person you're chatting with, then ask away.

Open car doors for girls.

Because girls are cute :) and don't you want to do nice things for cute things?

Don't show up to a house or dinner party empty-handed.

I am dying for a pair of scissors like this. I don't know what I'd use them for, but sometimes it's just nice to receive things that have little to no utility. Image: Substack.

This is in the bucket of quintessential Emily Post Kate Spade rules but get creative if the host doesn't want wine — bring candles, flowers, salts, olive oils, a nice pair of scissors.

When you're out — get a round of drinks — not just a drink for yourself.

Obviously, if you're with 20 people, you don't need to get a drink for everyone unless you're rich-rich but similar to pouring other people's water or wine before your own, you shouldn't go to the bar to get your drink — buy a round, it'll come out in the wash.

No filming during a workout class.

Please, for the love of God. Let me be sweating, struggling and ugly in the privacy of my $60 pilates class.

Your eating restrictions can't travel with you.

I'm not talking about allergies — I'm talking about eating restrictions.

You don't like ham, but you're in Cuba? You watched My Octopus Teacher, but you're visiting Greece? You gotta eat what they're serving, babe. No substitutions when you leave borders.

Take both AirPods out when you're having a conversation with someone.

I've sat at a dinner where someone had 1 Airpod in the entire time — what dystopian Wall-E or Idiocracy world are we moving into?

Understand the purpose of a group chat — not for logistics, not for disagreements — those should happen 1:1.

Group chats with four or more people are not meant for logistics or disagreements — it ruins the vibe and no one needs you to air out all your issues there.

Don't blow up people's phone all day unless it's something that's going to make them laugh later. Group chats aren't the place to say that you've been waiting seven minutes for a train.

If you're with a group of people and you have to tell details about a story to one person in the group because everyone else was there, don't tell the story.

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I can't verbalise this well but it's basically about not making someone feel left out for not being at an event that they weren't at or invited to when everyone else was.

If you heard gossip from a friend but then someone else (maybe the person who the gossip is about) is telling it to you fresh, pretend you are hearing it for the first time.

You don't want to throw your friends under the bus for telling you something they shouldn't have.

Help a girl put her suitcase in the overhead compartment.

Be polite and help a small girl put her luggage away especially if she has an impractical metal suitcase that weighs more than she does. Image: Substack.

My middle finger is dislocated as I'm writing this — not because I had to put my own suitcase into an overhead compartment when I was traveling — but because I tried to swat a bee and my finger got dislocated from the motion of swatting.

If someone is singing a song aloud, don't start singing a different song.

This is so niche, but I'll be singing a song and my mum will pull one word from that song and sing another song — it's like a bad GirlTalk mashup.

If you have another song you want to sing while someone else is singing something under their breath, you have to wait.

Always help someone if they're cleaning.

You're a guest in a home and they start cleaning. Guess what? You have to start cleaning too.

Side note: it's kind of like the thing where you want to clean before the cleaning lady comes over and also not be home when she is there.

If you're going to start talking politics be okay with people disagreeing with you but…

Can we go back to not talking about politics, religion and money?

My friends talk about money so much (I am part of my friends in this scenario). It's so Crass with a capital C! It needs to stop. No one needs to know. I think I want to know, but I don't.

Don't tell people your dreams unless it was a sex dream with the person you're telling your dream to.

JK you probably don't even need to tell people about your sex dreams with them, but if you have a crush on them maybe you should tell them and see if that goes anywhere.

Okay, we're done here. Bye.

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Feature image: Substack.