8 signs you’re not (and will never be) a soccer mum.

“Soccer mums” appear to set the benchmark for the modern parent these days.

You’ve seen them around, with perfectly presented hair and makeup, clad in their expensive lycra weekend wear.

They drive large vehicles from behind oversized sunnies, are not afraid to holler over the boundary to rev up their offspring, and have schedules ticking over like clockwork from sunrise to sunset.

However, there are many of us out there who do not fit this mould, and yet perform just as well in the parenting arena.

Here are eight signs that indicate you (like me) are not and will never be a soccer mum.

1. You do not own a family calendar.

Nor the little stickers or individualised coloured pens that go with them. You have lists, sure, on that piece of paper there, and stuck on the fridge, and scrawled on the back of your hand… And you manage just fine.

2. You have never made play-dough from scratch.

Whilst you love and treasure your children, you have never felt the urge to bake play-dough for them. Where would the reward for your effort be in that? (Cookie dough = obvious benefits). Besides, play-dough from the shops is a perfectly sensible option and a small price to pay for entertainment.

3. Crafternoons do not set your world on fire.

Your idea of being crafty is cutting off the top of a strawberry at an angle. Your child’s invitations are handpicked, not handmade. You outsource bunting, sewing and cake decorating, and enjoy the time and energy saved.

4. You have never created a spreadsheet for your children’s activities.

Real Soccer Mums would easily be able to fill a spreadsheet with the various commitments of their kids and themselves, in overwhelming detail. Your plans are more sporadic and spontaneous. You live in the moment and don’t like to feel hemmed in by too many Things To Do.

5. You are not a keen fan of spectator sports.

You appreciate sports, sportsmanship and know that physical activity is great for your kids. It’s just that you always come prepared (iPad, book, phone) and ideally will view the courtside/trackside/on-field action from the comfort and warmth of your car. With a takeaway coffee. And the radio on.

6. Your ideal weekend attire is closer to leisurewear than ‘weekend warrior’.

While you admire the polished style of your Soccer Mum friends, you are more likely to be found in comfortable weekend wear. Loose fitting layers, accents of denim, scarfs and minimal lycra. Hair in a topknot, ready for anything from mopping up spills to catching up with friends.

7. You prefer warm and comfortable to cold and shivering.

You are secretly excited when your kids chose weekend sports that offer protection from the elements. Think indoor swimming pools, indoor soccer and netball, and even tennis, where you can avail yourself of the selection of tea and biscuits in the clubrooms. Win, win.

8. You like to keep your Sunday mornings free.

Speaking of weekends, Sundays are important to you. Sundays are often the only day of the week the whole family can hang out together – a drive out of the city, sampling the goods at that new café up the road, or even visiting family and friends. A schedule-free Sunday gets everyone’s week off to a great start.

What kind of mum are you?

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