"We walked out of Snatched after half an hour because life is too short."

Disclaimer: This is going to be the most incomplete film review you’ve ever read, because we walked out less than half way through. Here is a transcript of our conversation following the worst experience of both of our lives.

Jessie: I’m really sorry that happened. I’m sorry it was made, but mostly I’m sorry I suggested we watch it.

Luca: There was a moment where I felt as though you might actually like it, and it made me really uncomfortable. Like I might have a panic attack.

Jessie: Oh wow. No, no. There was something funny that happened in the first five minutes, I can’t remember it though. Maybe about her mum being bad at Facebook? And I laughed and felt really embarrassed after. As in… ashamed.

Mia Freedman, Monique Bowley and Jessie Stephens discuss Amy Schumer’s Netflix special. And they’re not impressed. Post continues below.  

Luca: That was funny but that’s always funny because everyone’s Mum is bad at Facebook. You could chuck something about parents and social media in the middle of Boy in the Striped Pyjamas and it would be hilarious.

Jessie: Yeah, valid. And I’d seen that identical skit on Inside Amy Schumer. So I feel like I didn’t need to pay $20 to see the same scene replayed in a cinema.

Luca: But Jessie we didn’t pay for those tickets. We went for free.

Jessie: Yeah, and what does that say? That we’re both mad at that experience and it cost us nothing except our time. 

Luca: It had so much potential though. Like, it opened on Amy Schumer being a ditsy blonde which was hilarious because that’s a cliche that hasn’t been explored enough in popular culture. It made me really think and feel and also laugh.

Jessie: Yeah it was really critical and also enlightening. Also… I have a confession. One time I was on a plane and accidentally watched Tammy. 

Luca: Are you f*cking serious right now?

Jessie: Yeah I don't like to talk about it. But dude... Snatched  just was Tammy. Except instead of a road trip across America, they went to Ecuador so they could be more blatantly racist. It started exactly the same with her losing her job etc. etc.

Luca: Oh yeah that was great when Amy Schumer got fired from her retail job by an angry black woman because in America, all store managers are heavy-set angry black women.

Jessie: And then she gets dumped by her boyfriend EXACTLY LIKE IN TAMMY because she's so unlovable and gross.

Luca: They played sad music and I think I was meant to feel something but really I just felt hungry.

Jessie: I also felt hungry.

Luca: What makes me mad is that Amy Schumer could have BEATEN all the cliches. She could have made them funny or clever or presented something slightly original. But instead she brought the vivacity of a homeless deaf cat.

Jessie: And literally the whole script relied on her making fun of her mum for being old. Cool.

Luca: You know who would have been better in the role Amy Schumer played? Me. Nikki Webster. Miranda Devine. Dr. Katrina the vet from Harry's Practice. Alf Stewart.

Jessie: Yes but they wouldn't have looked as good on the movie poster. Speaking of the movie poster, I saw it again just as we walked out and I felt triggered. I legit think I have PTSD and I'm re-traumatised every time I see their faces.

Luca: I actually feel sorry for Goldie Hawn. She seemed as though she wasn't quite sure about the movie either and couldn't entirely remember why she agreed to do it.

Jessie: Yeah she was all sad and lonely, because all women over the age of 50 are definitely sad and lonely. And she was all worried about her daughters drinking - speaking of. Is being drunk all the time really that funny? Is it?

Luca: No. It's not. And Goldie Hawn (I actually can't refer to them by their characters names because I've forgotten them) is convinced they're gonna get kidnapped because that's obviously what happens when you go to South America. And Schumer's all like "NAH MUM YOU SILLY" and goes off and gets drunk again.

Jessie: And then she makes several jokes about having a smelly vagina... which... I just. Why is it smelly? Do you need to see a doctor? Have you got an infection? That's fine, I just want her to sort it.

Luca: I liked the part where Amy Schumer ran out of jokes and just whipped her tit out.

Jessie: Yeah, what a gag.

Luca: But back to the plot. I feel like the title pretty much sums it up, in that Goldie Hawn's like "omg we're gonna get snatched," and then they do.

Jessie: And they wake up (it's weird that they were ever... asleep? I feel like movies fundamentally misrepresent concussions. Like they could be bleeding from the brain and need to urgently go to the doctor... but nevermind) and the acting was like something out of my Year 10 drama class. As though every movement was intentional and Schumer was delivering this awkward monologue in a dungeon. And their clothes were all ripped because... kidnapped.

Luca: And the kidnappers took their phones and Schumer is all sad coz she can't Instagram in captivity. Lol millennials are addicted to their phones lol.

Jessie: But THEN they get relocated for some unspecified reason, and manage to escape...

Luca: I've worked really hard to erase all of this from my memory...

Jessie: But how funny was it when Schumer kept accidentally killing people by hitting them over the head with spades etc? I mean that will go down in cinema history.

Luca: It was when she accidentally killed an Ecuadorian with a spear gun that did it for me. That was the last straw.

Jessie: Hehe how funny is it when non-white people with silly accents get killed by accident hehe.

Luca: My favourite part was when we left the cinema and couldn't hear or see the movie anymore.

Jessie: Yeah, I felt like everyone was looking at us but things I would have rather done than see that movie through include; watch packed buses drive past me for two hours, discover a parking ticket on my windscreen and remove each of my finger nails one by one on a cold day. They would each by infinitely more pleasurable.

Luca: It was just... like a collage of stereotypes mashed together into a jumbled smelly lump of crap.

Jessie: You should be a film reviewer, I think you'd be really highly respected.

You can follow Luca Lavigne on Facebook, here. 

And Jessie Stephens on Facebook, here.