The 'snail theory' and how it will change the way you approach friendships.

When TikTok made it possible to watch videos at double speed by simply pressing down on the screen, I knew our attention spans had reached a breaking point.

It is, of course, no surprise that we digital savants crave instant gratification. I mean, who can blame us? We can order food to our door, binge entire seasons of our favourite shows in one night, and meet new people online every single day.

Watch: 8 signs of a toxic friendship. Post continues after video.

Don't get me wrong, it's good stuff — convenient, impressive, etcetera.

But it also means that our expectations have changed. We want everything now. And that extends to our friendships and relationships.

"As humans, we yearn to feel heard, seen and understood," registered psychologist and President of the Australian Association of Psychologists, Sahra O'Doherty told Mamamia.

"If we connect quickly with someone, our brains believe that this is a shortcut to a deeper connection, when really it could just be surface."

Ironically, although we are more connected than ever, we have never felt more alone, adds psychologist Carly Dober.

"Young Australians, and especially young Australian women are experiencing a loneliness epidemic."

This 'epidemic' has been "turbocharged" by the cost-of-living crisis, she said — meaning we have less time for leisure activities, and often try to "maximise" our connections as a result.

"We live in a state of urgency culture, and people can forget there are other paces that we can explore relationships in," she said. "We're working more and spending less time with their friends, and have less opportunity to make friends. People may act on this emotion and try to maximise their connections and burn themselves or the friendships out."

So while instant gratification in friendships might feel good in the moment, it may not be all that. That's where the Snail Theory comes in.

What is the Snail Theory of friendship?

Going against what has become the norm these days, the Snail Theory of friendship is the idea of building those platonic relationships slowly, gradually and with purpose.

The term was coined by writer Rich Brown, who said: "Developing connections at a snail's pace allows us to appreciate the nuances of our friendships, building them on shared experiences and genuine understanding, rather than the superficial bases that quick connections often stand on."

It's certainly a refreshing pivot from the instant gratification and fleeting interactions social media has primed us for — not to mention toxic love-bombing.

"While we may want to connect instantly with others, like in the movies, friendships — like all relationships — take work and energy and effort," explained O'Doherty.

"Particularly as we get older and we get to know ourselves a bit better, we have a clearer idea of who we are and our values, and we may feel the need to really get to know people on a deeper level before we commit to spending our limited time and energy with someone new.

"We've probably also had our fair share of relationship breakdowns, which can add to our aversion to risk, and may not feel as comfortable putting ourselves out there for an uncertain pay off."

With 'snail' friends, we don't have to be loud and perform. We don't need to share constant updates to maintain a strong bond. These friends recognise and appreciate long stretches of silence as a natural part of friendship.

Think of that person who you can go days — hell, even weeks — without speaking to, but when you do connect, it's like no time has passed. No pressure; just unconditional love. Ahh, yes, that's the stuff.

This kind of connection is special, but can be difficult to cultivate in the digital age, when we form bonds fast only to have them fizzle our. So, how can we convince ourselves that a slow-blooming friendship is worth the effort?

"I think it's helpful to look at the data, and to consider the history of relationships around you," Dober told us. "It can take spending up to 300 hours in person to make a best friend. This takes time, and you're best to not overwhelm yourself.

"Ask friends you have about other friends in their lives, and seek out the stories that show there are diverse ways to make a close friend. Consider the impact this has on you to rush things — do you feel frazzled? Do you feel like they'll move on to someone else? What is actually happening for you?"

And there's another "crucial aspect" of Snail Theory, according to its creator: "Recognising the importance of boundaries, much like a snail with its shell," writes Brown.

"Our personal boundaries protect us, and respecting those of others fosters healthier, more sustainable friendships. It's about knowing when to share and when to listen, understanding that everyone's comfort zone is different. This respect for boundaries ensures that friendships have the room to grow without overstepping personal limits."

Of course, maintaining (and respecting others') boundaries isn't always easy. So how do we put this protective 'shell' in place?

"If you catch yourself wanting to overshare or text too much, pause for a bit and ask yourself if that behaviour is healthy and helpful in these circumstances," O'Doherty suggested.

"If you notice someone else doing it, be prepared to have open and possibly uncomfortable conversations, letting them know that you still want them to be in your life, but that you don't have the capacity for that right now.

"Honesty and communication are the most important factors in making any relationship work, particularly when we want to take our time and invest in that person."

Of course, it must be said that every friendship is different. And while the Snail Theory might work for you, others may have different expectations — which isn't something you can control.

"Some people overshare and it's helpful to them, some people are more private," said Dober. "I think, if you don't know where to start, experiment with moving at a slower and more intentional pace for new friends and examine how you feel.

"Making new friends and maintaining and nurturing old friendships is so vital to our health and wellbeing, that whatever time and energy you put into these connections will be worth it. Just don't exhaust yourself in the process."

Feature Image: Canva.