"To be in love, what's that like? I'm 45 and I've never been in a serious relationship."

Do you want sex after dinner? 

Yes/No?

What about if you have kids? 

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Sometimes it creeps up on me just how different my life is from most other women.

I’m 45 years old and I have not been in a serious relationship. 

I've had one that came close when I was 24 and he kind of lived with me a bit but I’ve never lived with a partner, not really. (That relationship messed with my head so much I’ve had trust issues ever since). 

I’ve never gone grocery shopping with a partner, for example. I’ve not had many relationships. I’ve never gone on holiday with a partner. I’ve never been engaged and don’t envisage this will ever happen for me. I have never had children and the window to have my own is closed, I went through menopause early.

I can’t even foster children because I’m chronically sick. 

I have Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Fatigue Syndrome (ME/FS) and fibromyalgia.

I used to be popular. Had wonderful friendships. I had a successful career. 

I started my own business and it went gangbusters. 

I was healthy and I owned my apartment which became an investment property. I rescued dogs and then rabbits. I’ve lost all but three of them to different age-related illnesses. 

I volunteered in my community. I had dreams and plans. I wanted to buy a house. I wanted to scratch my creative itch, to renovate and do it up myself.

Last year I had to declare bankruptcy, I became so ill I couldn’t work. I couldn’t pay my mortgage. I wasn’t a permanent resident (well I was, but only for tax purposes) - I had no access to Centrelink. I have remedied that now.

For the most part I’ve accepted my life as it is now. 

I’ve accepted that I can’t go on holidays and I have lost many of my friendships or been forgotten about as my friends get on with starting families and raising children, making inroads in their careers and travelling.

They have their own challenges to deal with, I guess. 

I used to have money in the bank and now I live week to week. 

Still, I have a car and a beautiful roof over my head that somehow I can afford to rent. 

I have my business that brings in just enough to keep my head above water. I’m not on a benefit. But I don’t earn enough to pay taxes. 

I’ll never, ever get better unless a miracle happens. I am estranged from my family who were quite toxic. At some point I hope I can go on a disability support pension and then claim permanent disability insurance. 

This is my life’s goal now. To be able to pay bills and not be homeless. 

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I have no energy to get through any DIY projects although I would love to. It’s hard enough trying to clean my home. It’s mostly a mess because I barely have enough energy to work and care for my pets let alone do a proper clean and organise regularly. 

I’d love to to know what it’s like to move into a place with someone I love. I’d like to know what it’s like to live with someone I love. What it’s like to consider someone else into my daily life’s equation. And have them consider me.

I’d like to know what it’s like to be asked to marry someone. Be told that I’m loved, be told that they are in love with me. To be in love. Wow. What’s that like? To be given a ring.

I’d love to plan a wedding. Would we go simple but elegant? Would we elope somewhere amazing? Would we go big with all the people who mean the world to us and have our favourite band play our favourite songs?

Would we buy a house together? How would we plan our financial future together?

I’d like to know what it’s like to get pregnant and feel a child growing inside me and have a baby look up at me with my eyes staring back at me. I’d like to know what it’s like to raise a child with someone, have a career, be creative. Be the imperfect but go getter superwoman that I think all mums are. 

I’d like to know whether I would feel like sex at the end of the night or not. 

I haven’t had sex in years. 

I don’t think there’s any point wondering why my life turned out like this. It is what it is. 

I am a good person. I have many blessings. I am grateful. 

But still, on days like today... I do wonder what it would be like to know the answers to these things.  

I guess I’m sharing or venting because I can at least do that.

Feature Image: Getty.